A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My friend is so stingy. And kind of selfish. She’s never offered to pay for anything and always finds excuses to get out of having to but never refuses and even takes advantage when others are generous with her. She also always comes up with excuses in order to get her way on things. For instance, we always have to go to the restaurant where she wants to go otherwise she becomes difficult and confrontational. I’ve found it embarrassing and stressful to be around her. I invited her to a small gathering where there was free food that others brought and paid for, and she spent most of the party standing around the table eating everything on the spread. She went back for thirds, fourth and fifth servings in the span of just an hour. Just pigging out. Which I found odd because she didn’t even know these people. And why was she so hungry? Watching her I got this sense that it was like, oh it’s free therefore I have to take advantage of this as much as possible. When I invited her and a couple other friends to a quick dinner one night at a restaurant because they helped me move, she ordered four different pricey items for herself. Since I was paying. While my other friends politely just got one item for themselves to not abuse my generosity. I’m not rich! When it was her birthday I bought her a cute gift and a cake and we went out. A friend of mine joined us and paid for her cover at a club, which was quite pricey, and asked just to buy him a drink in exchange. He is not her friend, he’s my friend. He was just being nice. She didn’t even buy him a drink or even tip the coat check on our way out. It’s like this sense of entitlement is astounding to me.When I threw a dinner party, I bought most of the food, and simply asked her to bring an appetizer, specifically cheese and crackers. Which was missing from the dinner. She refused to and made an ordeal about it and said she didn’t want to bring it because she doesn’t eat that. Because she is vegan. (She is loosely vegan and always pulls that card when it’s convenient).I brought to her attention that I’ve seen her stuff herself with cheese and crackers and dairy at another party. And furthermore, I had to remind her that one should bring stuff for others, regardless of yourself, when invited to a dinner party.She started crying, said she was having a panic attack, played the victim and tried to shift the blame on me. It was bizarre. I’ve seen her do this before to get her way. It’s very manipulative.When she “calmed down” she came up with some bizarre excuse about how her diet changes like the direction of the wind and that I needed to be compassionate about that and also said “well I didn’t know cheese and crackers was so important to you,” (which really pissed me off when she said that, I found it so rude) and basically made me feel bad for requesting her to bring cheese and crackers. I asked her why should a dinner party host need to preface a request with “this is important to me” in order for her to bring the requested items. That conversation went nowhere. She ended up bringing some celery sticks that she had in her fridge. And showed up to the party with a big smile having gotten her way. And of course polished off several items on the table and went back for fourths and fifth servings all night. The last straw was my birthday. A couple days before my birthday she called me to hang. I reminded her that my birthday was coming up in a couple of days and she changed her tune and said she was really busy but we would hang soon. I didn’t hear from her for three weeks and she called me out of the blue with no mention of my birthday.I confronted her and told her I was hurt by her ignoring my birthday. Her response was that I never called her and she “thought” she was waiting for me to call her. I told her she knew very well that was BS and that it was wrong of her to blame me for not acknowledging my birthday. She knows very well she could’ve and should’ve called me anytime to invite me out or bring me a gift. And that I don’t appreciate excuses and blame shifting. Though I didn’t say it and instead allowed her a chance to respond, I was pretty much sure at that point that she deliberately ignored my birthday out of stinginess, to avoid having to buy me a gift or spend money on me. Her response was that she can’t be friends with me anymore. Because she can’t be friends with someone who addresses conflict from a place of blame rather than one of respect and understanding. Once again absolving herself from accountability and putting the blame back on me. Then she blocked my number and deleted me from social media. Im so pissed off! Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2022): You call her a friend - that's wishful thinking. A real friend would not behave towards you this way or ignore or avoid your birthday. The real reason you are so down about this is that you kept putting up with her crap and hoped she would turn into a decent nice person and it did not work. She was an acquaintance not a friend. You need to learn to have boundaries and barriers about how close you get to people, how much you do for them, how much you are there for them, how much you spend on them etc, not just give give give and then expect the same to come back to you. And then complain when that goes wrong.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2022): I find your attitude very hard to accept or understand. You are typical of a lot of women nowadays who could have a trouble free life but invite problems into their life and then complain about them. You choose who you socialise with and mix with and have as friends. She cannot be your friend if you do not want her to be. Yet knowing how greedy and weird and unbalanced and selfish she is you continually let her stay in your life. This says far more about you than it does about her. What is wrong with you that you would do that? Are you so desperate for friends that just anyone can make the grade?
As for her, she is a user, not stable mentally, a liar, a user, greedy, mean, and that is just for starters.
I am guessing that if you were ill you would not see her for dust. No call to ask how you are or if she can help, no visit at the hospital. She only comes to you when you are of use to her cupboard love. Not you as a person.
If I can work this out from one message how come you have not worked this out over all this time?
It's bad enough when a person has a real problem. A real problem is when you are a mother with four kids and your husband suddenly decides he is moving out and does not want you anymore and does not leave you a cent for food or bills. That is a real problem. You don't have a real problem.
You invite petty problems into your life, allow them to stay there and then moan. Not very grown up. She does not want to change yet you go on and on about her and every little thing as if you are married to her and it is the end of the world!!
I promise you when you have a real problem you will realise how ridiculous it is to moan about this instead of handling it with sense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2022): She has blocked you because the truth hurts sadly and she will be licking her wounds in denial!
As the others have said, celebrate your good fortune and count the pennies you will now save!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2022): Now is not the time to be pissed off about a non friend finally getting out of your life.
Now is the time to celebrate and to thank your relatives who have gone before you for finally removing her from your life.
And better still, you didn't have to be a bitch to get her to walk.
You killed her with niceness and she finally snapped and cut you off.
Now you concentrate on yourself and people who put positivity into your life.
As she has done the cutting off you just need to tell people you finally fell out over cheese and biscuits.
It is a bit cheesy but don't forget to smile when you tell it.
There is every chance she will try to re-emerge in your social life and recreate contact but don't allow it as that is another manipulation tactic.
Set the bar a little higher when allowing new 'friends' into your life!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2022): People are right to tell you that this is your fault, that you allowed it to continue. After all, once you know how mean and selfish a person is you then decide if you will allow them to be this way with you again and keep them in your life. If you choose to invite them to places or spend money on them this is your choice. You should have seen it coming. This is the price you pay to have her in your life. It all has to be on her terms. But the reason you are so angry and writing to us is not about whether or not you should tell her to get lost. You are upset because you were a good friend and cannot get over how selfish she is. You are a good friend but she blocks you - the truth is that you should have got rid of her ages ago, but now you are kicking yourself because she did it to you instead. Can you not see that you are no longer of any use to her if you don't continue to put up with her bullshit and spend on her so of course she gets rid of you? You just do not see that you cannot change a turd into a diamond. And turds are never nice people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2022): Unfortunately Honeypie is right.First time ,blame on you ;second ( and third,fourth,etc.)blame on me.You quote several different episodes where this woman misbehaved and /or took advantage of your kindness. I can understand you wanting to give her a second chance ,but after that, why would you keep inviting everywhere like you did ? If she blocked you on phone and social media...celebrate your good luck .Yes it may be irritating that she took the iniziative to cut you off and not viceversa, but all in all now you have one less source of aggravation in your life !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 January 2022):
 OP
You bring up SO many situations and scenarios of her being a SHITTY SHITTY friend yet YOU (yes, YOU) keep inviting her!
You invited her to another friend's gathering with a nice food spread and she pigged out. What did you do? Just watch her in horror? Why not tell her, hey Abby leave some for the rest!
Seems like it's a habit for her to have no manners, she just pigs out when food is there.
You offered dinner to people who helped you move, she ordered 4 expensive things, How did you not guess she would pull a stunt like this? I mean you KNOW her!
Is her behavior HER fault? ABSOLUTELY!
But it's also your fault that you don't ACCEPT that this is the cow she is and either drop her or let it go. You can't change other people, OP THIS is who she is. Rude, obnoxious, ill-mannered, manipulative, and selfish. IS that really someone you want to be around?
Personally, I would just cut the cow off! Enough. She isn't your friend and you know it. Some people are just not good friends or good at BEING a friend.
Be glad she blocked you! She is now out of your life. Remove ALL avenues of access to you. Social media etc.
If she had shown up for your birthday she would have ruined it anyway so hey, win-win.
Let it go. Take a deep breath and tell yourself, the trash took itself out!
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