A
male
age
41-50,
*awan
writes:Hi,I came across this site today and was pleased to see the kind of service you are rendering. You are guiding people with their questions which they cannot ask anywhere else. Also, its great to see that you don’t want to make it erotic fantasy, rather giving very genuine answers which can help people avoid many problems which we fall in due to lack of knowledge, awareness or correct decisions. I was just amazed to see the balance you maintain between the practical approach and moral ethics. You don’t say sex is wrong in all forms that we normally assume in our society, at the same time, you don’t promote unethical sex. My question, I am 32 Years old, working in a private firm. I have a sister aged 25. She got married last year. Her husband left for abroad after three months of marriage. My sister is not very outgoing and a very shy type girl. She never had a boyfriend and avoids meeting new people. So after her hubby left for abroad, she was at home most of the time and a little bored. In last three months, I noticed that she was getting close to one of my close friend in the same apartment. He works in same apartment and lives alone. Though he is married, he lives alone here as her wife is posted in different city. He is 36. In last three months, they have got very close and have started having sex. After coming in his contact, she looks happy. I am very confused if I should interrupt her or I should ignore. Sometime I feel I should interrupt as she is my younger sister. One thing is bothering me that they have realised that I know about their relationship and as a result they are taking me for granted. Even when I am at home, she comfortably moves out to his flat. Recently when myself and my sister were alone at home, she just walked away to his flat and spent the night even without asking for my permission.Other times I feel as they are so mature and are very sincere and can manage their relationship with all privacy. Also I know she will not marry him and they are just sharing time and are not committed and the guy is extremely decent and have respect for me, my family, society and his own self. So he can’t harm her anyways. But I would still like to get your suggestion
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affair, never had a boyfriend, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): Given your update, I feel sorry for your sister. It seems that only now with this new relationship has she finally "come alive" and experienced joy in her life. And yet, as you say, you hope that soon her husband will be back and the new relationship will be over (I guess if the other man is also married as well??) then she will go back to "living in a cage" as she always was, and which is what you seem to want for her.
I feel so, so sad for her.
A
male
reader, Pawan +, writes (3 November 2012):
Pawan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for you messages. Before coming to this forum, I had never ever thought that I would talk about my sis sex life with anyone as you know how society is possessive on sex. Everyone likes sex but can never talk about sex.
I had decided to react and ask my sister to stop same way as every brother would react in such situation. But I gave a deep thought on it. I related it to my desires, specially for sex. I realised that every human being has some eveil desires. Male express this desire or fulfill their desires as they have freedom. But for girls, they are like a slave, they dont live their own life, they way they want. They live the way we want, we the custodians. I felt bad.
My sister is extremely beutiful. She is 5' 8" tall slim and fair. Many guys in her college life would have dreamt for her but she was so restrictive so reserve on this part that she never ever had a boy friend. We always appreciated her being so decent. But today I realised that she was decent not only because she was decent, but also because she was carrying the burden of our social respect, our moral values etc which she was trained for since childhood. It was very atrifical as I feel today. there is no doubt she is still very decent but she was hiding her natural personality same as every other girl where every girl pretends as if they only hate sex.
Now when I see her taking that guy, passing naughty smiles, gazing at him, giving sluty look to him, it all shows her an entirely different personality. She looks like a young juvenile girl, very energetic, passionate for life, romantic and a little bitchy. I love seeing her how she has started taking care of her make up, attire and her lifestyle. She is changed. It looks like she was in a caze for long and she is flying freely in a big open sky. She is expressing herself so well.
Looking at all this only, I decided to let her live her life without geting afraid of any imaginary trouble in future. I am very confident that the moment this guy will go out in a couple of months and her hubby will be back, she will be back to her normal life.
She is decent and would not create any trouble for herslef or anyone else. same is that guy. He is married and very sincere and responsible. He is a very close friend of mine and I know him just so well.
The only embarassing this I see is that it seems he has convinced my sister that I know about their sex relation and I am allowing it. This message to her has made her comfortable a little more than my expectation. This was reflected at two occasions. One when she started walking out in towel after bath even when I am at home. Her dressing has become a little casual as if she has developed comfort frommy side. Second, when she went to his flat even without asking and spent night with him. Though when I was out for three days during Dussehra, she called me up and asked if she can go to him. I felt good and asked her to call him to our place rather than going to his flat. These are the two areas where I feel that she is not caring about my presense. But I am confident that if i give even a hint, she would stop all this immediately. She is such a nice lady.
I have discussed few things here which I cant dare to share on open forum so I hope you will maintain my privacy and wont post it on open forum.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (3 November 2012):
 It really doesn't involve you and I would advise you to stay out of it. However, if it were my sister or brother, I would express my concern for the well being of the marriage(s) and her self esteem in living with what she has done. Make sure she is having safe sex and then walk away. I wouldn't condone what she is doing or cover for her.
As your roommate, she doesn't need to ask your permission but as a courtesy, she should let you know her comings and goings. You do worry about their safety if they don't come home, etc.
What she is doing is something she has to live with, not you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): You should stay out of it, as it is none of your business. Your sister, her husband, and your friend are all autonomous adults. Unless a crime is being committed or someone is being physically harmed, their situation involves only them and not you and you should not intervene.
yes I know that when a spouse has an affair it is 'harming' the other spouse, in this case her husband. But, I would not intervene because this is between your sister and her husband only. you don't know all the facts because I doubt your sister tells you everything that goes on in her head or between her and her hb. For all you know, maybe her hb has already cheated on her and she's just not saying.
If she were assaulting her husband, then you should intervene as a concerned citizen because someone is being physically harmed. But what she is doing is none of your business because, as I said, for all you know maybe her hb is already having an affair.
"she just walked away to his flat and spent the night even without asking for my permission."
Um, why do you feel you sister needs YOUR permission? She is not a child and you're not her parent.
If I were you, I would ignore it. If you simply must say something to your sister, tell her that you know what she's been up to and that you disapprove, but she is a grown woman and has the right to do whatever she wants if it's not illegal. However if she asks you to cover up for her or lie to her hb for you then that is where you can draw the line and refuse to get involved.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 November 2012):
There are some things here which I think many can point out as "right" or "wrong" but most of it are associated with facts of the situation. So I will point out some analysis (which can be wrong of course) and I will give my best advice.
Firstly, she is a grown woman and very much an adult. She does not need your permission to leave the flat even though she lives with you. The most she should do is say where she is going and when she will be back (to be safe) but not everyone is like this.
As I have stated, she is a grown woman and she is also allowed to make her own choices in life even if they are her own mistakes. It is her life after all.
Secondly, if I were in your position I would definitely feel awkward about the situation. Why is it that your only choices are "interrupt" and "ignore"? There is something else you can do which is to advise her. You are older than her and you can offer a different perspective on the situation. The perspective can be from yours, her husband and as well as her partner.
You could have a one on one talk with her in a calm manner. Explain to her that you know what is going on or that you at least have suspicions. Inform her that you are not going to lecture her but at least hope that she understands what she is doing. Firstly that the person she is having the affair with is someone living in the same place. This can cause problems because it will be easy for her husband to find out if he ever returns.
Also for her to consider what will happen when he does return. What will change? Will things be the same? Will this man she is with blackmail her? Will he cause problems for her? You might think that this guy would not harm her but you don't know how he feels about the situation and he may not choose to let her go. At the very least, cheating on your spouse isn't a good thing and even if she has problems with the marriage it isn't an excuse to cheat.
Say that you wont support her decision to cheat but she can at least have some respect for you and say if/when she is leaving and the overall situation does not bode well with you. Just as you have expressed with us , you can very well express to her. Whether or not she listens is really her choice but at least you would do what any good brother would do.
Consider that you may as well encounter problems in life and we would want some kind of support from our family as well as guidance so you would want to treat you sister with love, I am sure you would expect the same from her.
So my advice is to just be honest with her about your views on the situation. You don't have to interrupt or ignore. You may not have this kind of relationship with her but it is never too late to start. Good luck
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