A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a big mess and not sure what to do.Around 15 years ago I had an affair with my boss who was much older than me. He was divorced and I was single so technically we weren’t doing anything wrong but we didn’t want our coworkers finding out. We were together less than a year when we decided we wanted different things- he wanted us to settle down but I wanted to go traveling - I asked him to go with me but he declined as he had his 3 kids and 2 were still young so he didn’t want to not be away from them- which I understood.We went out separate ways.We lost touch and never spoke again- I heard through the grapevine years later that he had retired and remarried and moved away. I then started dating this wonderful guy (he is a few years younger than me)- we moved in together and started talking about marriage…. I met his mother early on in our relationship as she lived nearby and each time we had planned to meet up with his father plans fell through for one reason or another.Anyway 2 weeks ago I finally met his father- who just happened to be my old boss who I had the affair with. Both of us were completely stunned. We explained to my boyfriend and his dads new wife that we worked together years go (obviously we never said anything about our affair). It was so awkward - I’m so angry at myself for not joining the dots earlier- he has a very common surname and he mentioned his dad you used to manage a a section in a company but it went over my head. I saw pictures of him and his brothers with their parents when they were small but I didn’t recognize him either. I have no feelings for his dad - I doubt his dad has any feelings for me either. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend but I don’t want to keep this from him but do I risk telling him and ruining our relationship and his relationship with his dad? Do I contact his dad and ask him what to do? I can’t just walk away and end our relationship so please don’t suggest that. What’s the best thing to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2023): None of this is your fault, just coincidence and life. Tell boyfriend truth. But don't talk the way you did in your question where you call it an affair and as if it was wrong, it was not and you do not need to make it sound far worse than it was.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2023): You keep repeating it was an affair, as if you want to believe it was more wrong, immoral or acceptable than any other two single people. It was not an affair. It was just two single people. There is something wrong with the way you look at things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2023): Corrections:
"I wouldn't open any cans of worms; because that was an event you've lived to regret; but it is only by coincidence and fate that you should have to face the past to remind you. You never [know] when or how the past will revisit us; so be careful what you choose to do, and who you choose to do it with. Besides, the man was divorced, not married at the time."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2023): If you're 36, you would have been 21 back then. Such are the mistakes of our youth! How on earth would you have known this would be the outcome?
It was a decade and a half ago; and your life and his life have drastically changed since back then. I would admit, it would be shocking and awkward; but this is now, that was then.
You said you didn't do anything wrong and he was divorced. So what are you concerned about? Unless there's something you've left-out? It's not an "affair" unless you're cheating on somebody.
Sometimes our indiscretions and past mistakes catch up with us; because we need to be reminded of what we did, how we should learn from our past deeds and behavior, and how to proceed with the future.
I think the shock and guilt will subside over time; because it all caught you by surprise. If you think this is always going to ride on your conscience, and you won't soon get over it; then postpone any wedding plans, until you feel you've come to terms with the past. You feel nothing for him, and we all have our skeletons...don't we? I wouldn't open any cans of worms; because that was an event you've lived to regret; but it is only by coincidence and fate that you should have to face the past to remind you, you never when or how the past will revisit us; so be careful what you choose to do, and who you choose to do it with. Besides, the man was divorced, not married at the time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 April 2023):
 You need to be honest and tell your BF BEFORE the dad does and also because it's the right thing to do in this situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2023): This is a really difficult situation and I feel for you but I think realistically you have to end it with your boyfriend. I doubt he would want to hear the truth and you can't keep this secret forever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2023): Have you ever told your current bf about a relationship you had with your boss and you didn't want anybody to know?
Your choice of words 'affair" is really unfortunate, because as you said youdidn't cheat on anyone.
However, the situation IS awkward. How long have you been together?
Anyway, if you spill the beans your bf wil neve EVER be able to get the pictures out of his head. I mean if he can, he's probably one in a billion. And honestly, how could you have not recognized him? And worst of all, you didn't bother thinking about the fact who was this man who worked at the same company? With the same last name. I get that it is normal for you, you lived it. It would be a helluva story to swollow by your bf?
I'm sure that everybody else will tell you to tell the truth. And they're right.
I just don't know.
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