A
female
age
41-50,
*urnedOff
writes:I've been with an individual for over 11 years. We have one amazing son together, but I feel like our son is what/who keeps us together(now).I was never physically attracted to my partner. I fell in love with how safe I felt with him,how gentle he is (would not hurt a fly, whereas prior partners were abusive and controlling). My partner expresses how much he wants/desires me, and I feel so blessed because I am not perfect (very far from it,(lots of scars from life battles, although,..I receive attention from other men, ( and it always makes me feel weirded out. I see people for what their inner hearts are, not outer appearance.. usually, ..but he has gained so much weight and snores so loud now, and when shopping for groceries, he chooses nothing but junk!!! He chows down to the extreme!!!!!!, on chips/chocolate, extra sauce on everything!!!! (etc)... and Drinks..on weekends only, but geeesus!!!!!. He guzzle beers like there's no tomorrow. He also has a Video Game addiction, I enjoy playing now and then, but he spends wayyyy too much leisure time playing, and not enough time being active or enjoying activities I like (hiking walking etc) Did I mention he snores extremely loud?!?!!!! Very sorry for all the exclamation marks, but I would type a zillion more to express how frustrated and turned off I am with his choice of lifestyle. and pardon my horrid grammar/spelling and general ramblings that don't make too much sense. It is 7am where I am and I have not yet slept, (because he is snoring wayy too loud.) I hear his heavy breathing all the time and just want him to be healthy, and myself and son to be healthy. Diabetes is in my DNA (my mom) and heart disease is in my partners family (his mom's side). My wonderful gentle partner, desires me sexually, and I cant seem to ever feel turned on with him. I feel like the evil wicked witch of the west for being so shallow?!! am I? How am I supposed to accept and enjoy sex with him, when I am so turned off? and His penis is so small to begin with, and is shrinking with each pound he gains. He wants sex. I don't, and am disgusted with myself for being so turned off. What is wrong with me? Is this just how it is at age 34? Anyone else relate?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 June 2014):
 I can relate.
I will tell you now that the only thing for you to do is leave him unless he wants to change. YOU cannot motivate him to change.
Have YOU told HIM what you told us?
if not that's your first step.
"honey I have been with you 11 years through thick and thin and things have changed and I'm not happy. We need to talk about this and you need to decide if YOU REALLY want to make some changes or if you want this relationship to end since those are the only options I can offer you"
then sit down and tell him exactly what you are feeling and what you think he can do to help you not feel that way. Draw up plans.
"honey after work let's have dinner I plan fish and quiona and a lovely salad, then we can go for a walk"
I swear if you could get him to just walk for 30 minutes five nights a week after work (not fast at first just an amble) that would be a start and it would help. BUT HE HAS TO WANT TO DO IT.
My husband is 41 to my 54 and he does no exercise and he eats like crap (no fruits or veggies, lots of alcohol and full sugar soda etc)
If it was just about him not joining you in your activities that would be different. I would say just go do what you want... That's how it rolls in our house because even though my guy has gained nearly 40 pounds since I met him I still find him desirable
The big problem is you no longer find your guy attractive physically and that's an issue that you have to share with him. He has to know this no matter how painful it is to tell him. And then he can decide what's most important to him.
The truth is that after 40 you have to WORK to be healthy and if you aren't doing it by your 30s it's hard as hell to learn.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 June 2014):
 Are you just venting or do you really need some advice? I hate to have the Aunts and Uncles spend time when all you want is to get it off your chest and continue on.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (22 June 2014):
How about taking your issues to a third party if you have tried resolving them with him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): Before you walk away, and give up on what sounds like a guy you appreciate for the whats important to you.... try to fix the problems that your relationship has acquired. They are fixable. At least TRY to fix them, before you give up on something that sounds like it has lots of GREAT attributes.To fix the problems your partner needs to know that they are a problem for you, so tell him. Work with him in fixing his weight problem, support him. Losing weight will likely fix the snoring. In the interim, tell him you can not sleep with him anymore, in the same bed, till his snoring stops. Tell him losing weight will likely cure it.Tell him you want him to do more 'active' things with you, encourage him, arrange them and make sure he shows up.When you have given it your BEST shot to FIX what is wrong, IF he has no desire to fix the problems, only then review the situation.You have mentioned some great character traits of your partner, so don't throw out the baby with the bath water..so to speak.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 June 2014):
 I measured the "length" of your submittal.... It is 6.25 column-inches... and the whole darn thing is YOU explaining why you are disgusted with this guy who you took up with 11 years ago.... and why you shouldn't continue to be his squeeze.
The only "question" that stands out (in your submittal) is rather INFERRED... and it is: "What the heck am I doing hanging around with this guy? ... this guy who.. we have drifted apart... and he's NOTHING like my "perfect" guy... and WHAT am I doing spending even another MINUTE with him??????
The "answer" to that question is: "I can't imagine. Why aren't you and him going your separate ways?"
Does this help?
Good luck...
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