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female
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*aurette
writes: My partner of 9 years is being very distant. He's working all the time, and when he's not at work he is at the pub. We have three children; one is only 3 months old. He says he loves me but still hasn't made the effort to spend time with us.I need to know what is going on. Is he cheating on me and is there still hope of a happy future together?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2005): Your husband could be distancing himself for a variety of reasons. Stress, anxieties, depression all could factor into his behaviours. Going to the pub with friends may be just a quick fix for him to get away from life's problems or what he terms as 'problems'. Many men go through phases where they have a difficult time dealing with pressure of family life and/ or work pressures. However, it's unfair that you are left at home, managing the family and he's not there to help. I do agree, his place is with his family and you. My advice is that you attempt to calmly communicate with your husband, about what you and your family's unique needs are. Work to change that which can be improved in your relationship; try to negotiate & compromise. If that doesn't work, try to get into some good marriage counseling with him and have a trained mediator help both of you understand about compromise. If your husband won’t go for counseling, arrange personal counseling for yourself. You may need to become more assertive within your marriage if you are to survive, emotionally intact through this hard time. Remember dear-stand up for what you believe to be right and just. It is okay to be firm and fight for what you want in your marriage. It is not wrong to disagree with, or to challenge your husband's neglectful behaviours. Some boundries of what type of behaviours from him you'll NOT accept need to be told to him. You are part of this relationship, and can make some one-sided changes. Your children will benefit if you become more autonomous as a person yourself, and not so dependent on your husband, for your sense of emotional well being. Being a good example and living righteously involves liking and respecting yourself, and taking a stand to make life happier for yourself and your family. Stay strong and hang in there.
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2005): your husband may be depressed. If he genuinely has to work a lot then his depression may be caused by this. If he is at work by choice then it may be that the arrival of a new child is putting a lot of pressure on his family life. It doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating on you unless you have other reasons to believe this. You need to ask him if he is depressed. Is he having trouble sleeping? Is he uninterested in sex? Both these can hbe signs of depression. i have recently suffered this myself. However, this doesn't mean you should rule cheating out. But try the other logical parhs first, get him to see his doctor and watch for changes. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, [email address blocked] +, writes (25 September 2005):
Hanging in pubs w/o each other isn't a good thing. Maybe you need to give him a choice, more time at home and maybe marriage counseling or things are going to change. It's not fair at all to you to be home all the time w/o him and his help with HIS children too. that's pretty selfish. Or, what if you turned the tables on him and played his game for a while. You start going out more often w/o him and see how he like's it. You know what they say, what goes aorund comes around and sometimes a taste of their own medicine is just what the Dr. ordered. Put some fear in him and maybe he will re-think things and see what he's got. And that he really doesn't want to lose it. I don't see anywhere where women should sit around and eat crap from their man. Your self worth goes way beyond that darlin' and NO man is worth that kind of heartache.
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