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female
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anonymous
writes:My partner is very depressed because (I think) he has been through a big mid life crisis and although he has been seperated for over two years his divorce has only just gone through. I don't know how to behave. I have just had some therapy myself because I am not very emotionally robust. It has helped but I find it very difficult not to take this depression personally. I find his unhappiness hard to cope with as well as his negativity and moodiness. In fact it makes me start being negative again myself. He has just left to go and see his parents by himself although it is a nice sunny afternoon. This makes me feel exluded, I have no understanding of why he did not want us to go too. I suppose he should do whatever he needs and I should try not to worry. Worry won't help, I need to let him be free to be himself. Has any one else any advice for getting through this type of problem. I know he loves me so that is not the issue. I just feel very bad and wish I did not!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLooking at the typing I hammered out last night it does look a bit chaotic. I think I pressed to add my answer because my partner was coming up the stairs. Anyway, any further comments grateully received.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): Thank you to the last poster. It is interesting to know that ou are having a break. I expect you feel like me too, that it is hell at times being together, but I see that he is a good man and I love him, so the idea of losing this relationship is also hell. I came home on Friday night and found him still in his dressing gown and i was all rushed off my feet having had to do all the household fetching nad carrying. I asked him earlier if he would go to the supermarket and he just flatly declined. I found the vision I met with made me feel upset and grumpy. Bit I am not allowed to be because he "doesn't need it". He took it out on me for being stressed. Then last night he started talking to my young son about how we should emigrate back to his old country and live in a six bedroom mansion etc etc. I said firmly that I would like to establish a life HERE and mentioned to him that talking that way would not impress my son's father somay not be a very good idea. Actually I don't mind the idea of going there for a yearor something at a good moment like in a gap year before my son would start university etc to see how it feels. But that is not for some years yet. He snapped back "OK then we will NEVER go". Having found suicide searches on the Google bar at our computer last night I had a very bad night of sleep. I got up to have a cup of tea and he followed me. He said I was getting at him, which I wasn't. Then this morning I tried to get him to exploer his ideas about going abroad for a while/what he wants etc and it turned into a hug conversation about how my job was very crap and I had better get my finger out and earn some more money because at least I can do that to ease his pressure. I don't mind looking for a better paid job, but I have been consolidating myself after a few difficult years and so am not earning what I used to at the moment. It was the way he catalogued out my failings before coming to the point that I found so crushing. I feel very emotional and I start wondering whether I am causing the argumants myself. He says I am wierd. He tells me I am acting strange all the time, which has got me paranoid, because I did have some problems before which I think I sorted out. But I start to doubt myself. I feel as though I am going mad.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Hi, I read this and felt like I was reading about myself. I was in this exact position pretty much, recently so I'm taking a break from my partner (I told him we should have some 'space' and talk things through and although I miss him and the first two weeks were hell, I feel like my brain can breathe again and I can filter thoughts more clearly through my head. I made it clear to him that he has my love and support but that I can't be in close proximity to him if he does not treat me with respect. I also called his bluff on a few things. We are talking and making some progress although I don't know what the long term outcome will be. My thoughts are with you. take care of yourself and good luck xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much all of you. You answers contain things I know will really help me keep to the plot. I will be reading them over when I feel a bit weak and taking strength from them. It means a great deal to me that you took the time. XXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): I can understand your pain, my first husband went through a similar phase, and god it hurts when they do things without you and you feel so left out. He was a pig, so i wasnt too worried if he never came back, but clearly your is different. It must be hard also for you is you have had to struggle yourself to get well. You need to put your energy into yourself now. Sorry i dont believe in this crap about helping him, you can only help him to a point. If he keep doing things his way, then insulate yourself. Grow your own strength and get your own barrier strong around yourself. Stop worrying about him. Your relationship is new, yet you shouldnt be going through this. He need professional and medical help and there is very little you can do right now that will be right. I think you are very brave to stay with him, personally, i wouldnt do it again. I know how damning and strength sapping the whole thing can be.
take care and let me know how you get on.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): He probably has some family of origin work to do, so going to see his parents alone was a good way for him to try and reconnect and get in touch with those past hurts and issues, we all have them where our families are concerned......it is not your responsibility to make your partener Undepressed, so take a load off there....just be as supportive and patient as you can be with him and first and foremost remember to take care of yourself...take a little breather from him from time to time, go get your hair done, a massage, and excercising does wonders to lift your spirits as it created endorphins in the brain, in fact get him out of the house and start walking, long walks together....the excercise will do him good, and will give you a chance to bond....I would also insist that he seek medical treatment and start taking some antidepressant medication, as he can't will himself to feel better, he needs treatment if this has been going on for any length of time.....Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): I can understand how it must feel to have a partner feel so down, it's awful isn't it? You try at first, but then you don't see an awful lot of improvement, and start feeling at a loss with what to do. It's natural to feel this way, and to want to help him, but I feel that the main thing you could do for him right now, at this moment in time, is reassure him he's got you to talk to. When people feel depressed and down, they often feel lonely too. They need someone there, just to give him a big hug when they need it. To give them space when they need it. To just listen and listen for hours. To be able to show anger at (obviously not in a violent manner). It's bound to be hard, to feel like you have to satisfy all you needs, and you don't, you just have to be there. He'll come round eventually, and if he knows that you've supported him through the whole thing, he'll thank you for it in the end, and realise how much you do love him.
You just need to try and keep him strong, and let him know he's got a place in your heart. Imagine what you would need, if you felt like he did. Put yourself in his shoes. You might find it gives you ideas of what to do that you would never have thought of before. Good luck :]
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