A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 8 years to a good hearted guy with a compulsive lying problem. He has lied about everything, his age, his interests, his credit card debt, his salary, his taking care of errands, his losing something, even to hiding a letter my sister wrote me because he accidentally opened my mail and didnt want me to be upset. I am not sure what drives him to do so because i am pretty laid back person who is very understanding and open. I think it is because he doesnt want to disappoint me, he doesnt want me to worry about our financial situation, and he is afraid of rejection. every couple years, i find a new lie and i feel taken again, despite the numerous times he says he wont lie to me ever again. I have suggested counseling but he doesn't seem to be interested. the problem is that i dont trust him anymore and i am afraid to open myself to him because i am tired of getting hurt in the cycle. i can only maintain a casual friendship with him and we no longer have an intimate relationship. without trust i dont feel like we can have a quality relationship but i dont know what i can do to encourage him to be honest to me. in addition i have been really paranoid about what else he hasnt told me and question if he just tells me everything i want to hear. i dont know where to go from here. I know he is not malicious but i also know i cant live with it.
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female
reader, Starling24  +, writes (8 February 2010):
I think my fiance is a compulsive liar too. He tells lies about unnecessary things but always has an excuse for it, that its usually to spare my feelings. In the past ive asked for more time to see friends when we were dating, and he wasnt keen on it so wer carried on as normal.The nights i didnt see him anyway when he had football or something he would ring me to tell me how it went. I found out after a while that he didnt always go. His excuse for this was not wanting to upset me because he hadnt seen me instead. It didnt make sense with my previous suggestion to have time off?! We are about to buy a house together and im so excited, hes a lovely person and treats me well but im worried about this. Ive read your stories and its not quite as serious now but im concerned it will get to that point. His mom told me hes done it since he was a kid, im not sure what over but he tells me one thing and her another, when we talk we end up both feeling hurt at our findings.
I have reassured him that the things he lies about dont bother concern me, its the lies themselves. Ive told him he causes me to worry for no reason and im starting to not trust what he tells me. I dont really know how to get around this problem either, but it is an exhausting situation to be in!
Anna
A
female
reader, lifesnotfair +, writes (6 May 2009):
I'm in an almost similar situation, like satindesire said, I prefer the tough way of my husband seeking counseling or I'm out. But I've two little kids, all my savings are washed out due to paying for his misdeeds, I'd given up my job 2 yrs ago (and I was making heaps more than him then) because of many stresses, not to mention his habits. I've no other family and neither does he. I've been trying for jobs, but the recession is not helping!!
I feel totally helpless.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009): I too am with a compulsive liar. I have studied this quite a bit because of him.
My research shows compulsive liars do not know the difference between truth and lie. They feel entitled to all deception. They believe they are entitled to every untruth they support, and they have no comprehension of their problem. The sad fact is they are enabled by our loving them. So, each day of allowing a compulsive liar to remain accepted by us is another day of strengthening their problem.
I learned the hard way there is no helping them.
There is only one thing that triggers the few ex compulsive liars to stop:
Severe loss. Loss resulting from their lying.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): I know exactly what you mean. I have been married for 18 years. During that time frame my husband has lied about his age, who he previously had sex with, fiances,Credit Cards, even what he eats. It seems to never stop.
We did see a couselor who advised that he should come clean with everything. The couselor said that it would take 2 years from the last lie for the trust to be rebuilt.
The problem is the last lie never seems to come. Now the latest thing is he is trying to have our children lie to help him cover himself. I think this is aweful, but he also is not violent most of the time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): All liars should be treated with the contempt they deserve, it will be too late when all your money has vanished and your heart is broken, the ability to lie to you sets the stage for the ability to disregard your feeling again in some other more sinister manner. Put the liars on filthyliar.com and allow the rest of the community to save themselves the grief you are finally sick of.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): I wanted to add one more thing. If he refuses to go to therapy, then go on your own. It will help you learn how to handle him, because you can't change him, the only person you can change is you and how you react to his lying or what you can do when he does it.
It may also help you decide if this relationship is worth it, if you can live with this for the rest of your married lives.....Therapy helps you make these decisions for yourself, which is where you are right now.
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