A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met my husband about 2 years ago. There's no spark, no romance, and no heart pounding...but there is attraction. Very soon we started "dating", he moved in to my place and we lived like married couple, cooking together everyday and go to bed together. Seems like we have met each other for a long time, like old friends, or close family members. My parents wanted me to get married because I am already living with this guy, and in Chinese culture, you should marry the guy if you two are living together. So i said ok...we got married in 2009, signed paperwork, of course there is no proposal at all. Then we went back to China to meet each others' parents and decided to have our Chinese Wedding Party the second year, which is year 2010. Now that we are almost going back to China for our wedding, friends are all invited, restaurant already reserved, wedding planner hired...everything is set and ready to go...except my heart....I feel myself not happy, I am not sure if this is the Mr. Right for me. I find out he is very upset all the time, doesn't like to social with friends, doesn't know how to show his love (if there's any) to me...for example, no flowers, no dates, no sweet talks, no taking care of me when i am sick...things like that...the best way to describe us is...we are like couples who's married for 20 yrs...Deep in my heart I know i might not love this guy that much, but he is a nice guy...very nice to my parents, and will be a nice dad too. But...I am not happy being with him, or at least i am not sure if i will be happy marrying him...But I want my parents to be happy for sure. If i tell them the truth, they will be heart broken and lose face to all the friends and relatives....what should i do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): thank you again, everyone, just want to add one more thing...I do cook for him everyday, he will also help me do some prep work...but he cannot cook and no interest in learning it...that's why if i am sick, we don't get to eat...
I also tried to go dancing with him, but he doesn't like dancing at all, he only loves soccer.....we went to take dance lessons even..but he wasn't happy at all so he stopped after abt 3 month class.
He doesn't like to go to bars either, doesn't like to social, doesn't like to go hang out with friends, actually he only wants to stay home and work on his computer (soccer game)....
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (14 August 2010):
 Well, this is the problem that most women face when seeking to settle down. Most husband-material type guys are, sadly, boring.The good news is that as he becomes more assertive, adventurous, and self-confident, he will actually becmoe more attractive to you, and that spark you're looking for will be there. The trick is getting him to be these things.Before anyone flips out: loving someone for who they are includes loving them for all they can be. Self-improvement at the behest of one's spouse is a fine and noble goal. As long as it's honest encouragement instead of nagging or threats that drives the chance, it's just fine.So, encourage him to try! Plan a romantic vacation to get him out of his shell (include lots of late-night dancing and later-night sex). Set aside some time every month for dates. Encourage him to climb the ladder at work, cook for him and with him. The key is to be supportive and loving, not nagging; your goal is to be the kind of wife that inspires her husband to want to be better.One important caution: if that sounds too difficult (and there's no shame in that), get out of the marriage before you have kids. You need to decide before your discontent will do collateral damage to your children.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 August 2010):
 I think he's unhappy because the wedding is a show for your parents, and not really his decision. He's stressed that he would feel obligated to go to family functions which might bore him. But that doesn't mean you can't be happy on your own. Look for his good quality. Maybe he's not the flashy showy type so don't expect he would treat you like a princess. Maybe he's the strong silent type. Find common things among you two rather than emphasize how he's different from your expectation. No flowers no dates, okay, but no taking care of you when you are sick, that concerns me. Was it because he doesn't want to catch your flu? That's something he should be doing on his own not because your parents tell him to.
If the wedding really took place, then you have no choice but to be happy. It's too late to complain then. You made your decision and try to get the best out of the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): Thank you so much for your reply. This is what I am thinking of doing. However, everyone else keeps telling me if i just walk into the wedding like this, I am cheating everyone, him, my parents, and his parents...I will hurt everyone more at the end....
In the past couple months, I have tried to communicate with him, shared my frustration with him, he appologized to me, and promised to change. But he changed back after 1 week.......so I dunno if i should communicate with him again....
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (13 August 2010):
 I think that in the interests of your family you just have to go along with the whole wedding thing and pretend to be happy. A wedding ceremony does not make or break your marriage - it is just one day out of your life. Once it is all over, sit your husband down and go through all the things that make you unhappy just as you have done here. Sorting out your marriage is really a private matter between you and him. You should give him an opportunity to put things right as he is a nice man who will make a good father. He clearly ticks some of the boxes, but maybe he suffers from depression and needs treatment. He may need encouragement to fulfill your needs too. You may need to spell this out to him. There maybe things about the marriage that make him unhappy too - you both have to be willing to change. If that doesn't work, try counselling. If that doesn't work, at least you can walk away knowing you tried to make everything ok.
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A
male
reader, 1stimenwin +, writes (13 August 2010):
This is a no brainer.. DONT DO IT. Dont settle and wonder the rest of your life what could have been. You deserve happiness and should not have to be stuck with someone if you dont want to be. What have you done to deserve being unhappy potentially for the rest of your life.
However, before you entirely end it, let him know in no unsure terms how you are feeling and that if things dont change you will not continue in the relationship. He could possibly pick up his game a little bit.
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