A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I have a big dilema. Its a long story. My parents dont approve of my boyfriend or my best friend. It is mostly my mom that doesnt approve, I havent talked to the rest of my family yet. The reason why she doesnt approve of my boyfriend is because he is mexican, he is 20 (i am 17), and he isnt in college. He works for a landscaping company, and he is illegal. I have been dating him for over 3 months behind my moms back, and just the other day I decided to tell her. I told her we had only been together for a few weeks though. I really honestly do love him and I could see myself marrying him. My mom thinks he is going to ruin my life. She thinks he will cause me to not go to college, but I have talked to him about it and he supports me going to college and becoming what I have always dreamt of. When I told my mom that he was my boyfriend she said that I couldnt be around him, I couldnt go in his neighborhood, and he couldnt come to my house. If she catches me lying or sneaking around she will take my car away and kick me out or make me pay for everything (currently i dont pay for anything, im spoiled). I asked her how I was supposed to see him and she said that was for me to figure out. There is no way I can see him unless I lie to her, so what I was going to do was just lie for a while and get a job and than just start giving her money for my bills so that way I can be treated like an adult and do what I want. But there is a problem my bestfriend lives across the street from him and her parents know a little about this situation and could possibly tell my mom if im over there which would cause everything to be rushed (i would have to start paying for stuff now and i dont have a job yet). Well thats the problem with the boyfriend, now the best friend... My mom found out that my bestfriend was sleeping at her boyfriends house when she had told her mom she was sleeping at mine. My mom made her call her parents and tell her. My mom now thinks she is a whore and said i can never talk to her again. This is the girl that lives across the street from my boyfriend. Weird huh??? My mom is telling me who my friends are and who i can date. I dont think its right. Please help. Sorry it is so long and confusing!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Not confusing at all, in fact this is a common dilema. Your mom is, in her mind, trying to protect you. She has a whole perfect future planned out for you, and expects you to comply because it's in your best intrest. Most adults with kids are aware that they are a product of your enviornment, so if their kid is hangin out with a bunch of hoodlums, the kid will also become a hoodlum. If the kid is hangin out with a girl who thinks lying to her parents to have a night with her boyfriend (and possibly doing something that could risk that perfect future), the kid will, too, lie to her parents to do the same. Besides the racist judgement your mom has for your boyfriend, she really is just looking out for you. My mom was even more controlling than the at your age, and I wasnt spoiled. However, I am sooooo glad she was, because as it turns out, she was right! Damn the luck! The same guys she insisted were bad news, that I thought I loved, are now severe drug addicts, man whores, criminals, and are going no where in life, and the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, you're gonna want him to be well educated, with direction, moral, and standard, TRUST ME!!! I am not saying your now boyfriend is a loser, I don't know that, but I do know that your mom loves you, and is protecting your future. My mother and I are now best friends. I hated her when I was your age for being too controlling, but now, we are so close, we talk everyday, we share advice and my husband is a wonderful husband, and father, and I have her to thank for that. I know it's hard to see your mom in that light, but it's true. Don't be too hard on her, she loves you.
A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (14 May 2008):
 First, the friend. I think your mom is worried that hanging around her will get you into trouble. Although, personally, I dont think your friend is a whore but what she is doing isnt right either. Until you are an adult, you cant make adult decisions. Period. I would talk to your mother about your friend. Tell her that she is your good friend and just because she is getting into trouble doesnt mean that she is a bad person.
Now, the boyfriend. This is a tough situation. On one hand, you need to experience things for yourself. Its hard to take other people's word for it, it doesnt mean much coming from other people. If your boyfriend is truely supporting your dreams, thats great.
BUT, your mother is right on this one. I am not saying its not possible to date someone who isnt a citizen, not in college, and is working at a job that doesnt allow much room to advance BUT its RARE. The fact of the matter is, when you are in a serious relationship at youre age, it either brings you down or you will eventually break up with this person. Its rare that these situations work because at 17 you dont know who you are and what you are made of and by the time you go through college and experience this, you will grow and CHANGE. And you two could grow apart and end it or he could try to bring you down to his level. I'm not sure you want to go through all of that when you have so much ahead of you.
If I were you, I would take the easier road. End the relationship with your boyfriend and get a free education. As for the friend, I think I would have a problem with ending that relationship but you need to be honest with your mother.
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