A
female
age
51-59,
sweetiebabes
writes:My ordeals and mistakes in life will be my strengthWhen I was 24 years old, I thought of marriage as an escape from my father who was very strict with me. I married the man who was working with us as lead guitarist in our restaurant bar business. From that day on forward, my father and my family abandoned me and I learned to live my life in a very difficult way.I thought my marriage would be fine for I did not see signs from my husband as an irresponsible person. I worked as a public teacher and was earning enough and my husband at that time was dependent on me. In 1999 (5th year of my marriage), I pushed him to work in another country for I wanted him to be independent and at the same time he could help and support us to have a better life.He began to work both local and international with good earnings more than my teaching salary. But months past I began to realize he was giving us very low financial support but I did not complain for my teaching job was supporting our needs. His pattern of not supporting us enough went on and I began to question him and I later found out he was using drugs and he admitted his wrong doings. In September of 2004, I decided to quit my teaching job to help him with his life and guide him. My children and I decided to shift to another City to be with him but life with him went to worse. He had on and off work, not enough even to support his family.In April of 2005, I went home (without my husband) to my family’s house with my 3 children and lived with my father. It was my only option to be able to work at our owned family business and earn to survive but after 4 months my family terminated me without a reason from work but I continued to stay in my parent’s house for survival. I made small earnings from selling homemade skinless salted peanuts for my children’s school needs and infant milk for my youngest daughter. Not until June of 2006, I was forced to leave our house by my father. He accused me of stealing and selling belongings from his home and none of which were true.I went back to my husband for I had no one to run to with my children. We stayed at my husband’s friend, a basement room. It was the most downfall moments in my life. I began to self-pity. I was helpless, frustrated, emotionally and psychologically stressed. My life went to roller coaster and I felt so depressed. What I do know that time I have to survive.Going through social networking sites or online was my way of dealing my frustrations. On my mind, it was a desperate move and was hoping someone could help me get out of my messy world. And I met a married man; he was kind and generous and was helping a friend of mine. My friend was using him and me to get money out from him. My friend promised me that if I could make a deal with him I will have my share and I did. But cheating or playing other people’s life was and is not what I do. I told the truth to that married man and he appreciated my honesty.I befriended him despite his flirty and sexual chats with me. In my heart it was wrong but I took advantage of the situation with his help. He helped me with my health issues and the biggest part that changed my life, my turning point, was when he offered help with my visa and ticket as his Christmas present to work in another country. And I used that opportunity to survive for my children’s sake.Years went by and I began to feel close to him. I shared him my life and my vulnerabilities. I did not hide anything from him and from him I gained my strength. He became my best friend, my confidant, my lover. Everything I do and my progress in life I shared with him for without him I will not be where I am and what I am today, gaining my independence and my life back again.Our relationship went on for 6.2 years online and I met him once just recently this year. I fell in love with him completely and seemingly he was with me. A kind of love I never felt from anyone. I trusted him my life. Our relationship was great. Whenever we had misunderstandings we talked about it and tried to make changes. But I could feel the pain and hurt because I felt his love for me was not really that true and honest as he told me. Because he can never love another woman especially when he honestly told me too that he love his wife and will never leave her. Yet, he told me his love was true, honest, and pure with me. I stayed in the relationship because deep in my heart I could give the love and showed him my love but I couldn't deny as well I have my own emotional needs. Perhaps we both stayed in online relationship because we were both receiving rewards --- My need for love and affection and I feel so validated whenever he tells me how much he loves me. And perhaps with him, he needs to feel manly and the sexual chats (very very rare we show on cam) I was giving him made him feel wanted.A very strenuous relationship for I have no voice, no questions ask, no expectations, no commitments. It was a kind of relationship where I cannot demand for myself because when I do, he leaves. He did it with me not once but thrice. He leaves whenever I demand something for myself. AND IT IS NOT LOVE. He left me again and I went out of control…the pain, the hurt were unbearable. I became bitter, nasty, and vengeful and the anger was out of control. It was not fair for I asked him many times to just be honest with his feelings for me and he was not. If there is one thing I can wish now, I would wish I listened to my feelings and believed in myself but I believed in him more. Because of the need to feel the love and affection that my family and husband deprived me of, I made poor choices in my life. But I will never forget the good things that this married man had done in my life...I am back in my own two feet because of him, gaining my financial independence. I WILL SURVIVE FOR MY CHILDREN AND MYSELF!!!
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