A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm dating a man much older than me. He earns a lot more than I do and is very generous so is always the one spending when we are together. Apart from the spending he tends to plan our dates (which I like because he has so many great ideas and he thinks and finds them much faster than I possibly could). We are going away to Belgium in two weeks (paid for by him) and then Paris at the end of the year (paid for by him again). He picks me up and drops me home even though I drive... I'm worried that I'm not contributing to the relationship enough. I'm present, I help him out sometimes around his house, I think I offer him a lot of support emotionally but I don't know if I'm doing enough. Should I pay for any of the expenses during the holiday? What sort of things can I do to contribute to this relationship?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 November 2017):
 Am guessing he is a good bit older than you and has a old fashioned way off looking at life? If that is the case and he wants to spoil you then great, but there is plenty of things you could do to return the favor. Surprise him with a trip away or take him out for dinner or to an activity you both like. Me personally I like everything down the middle where possible so that I feel we are both equal in our marriage, but off course everyone is different and if you are happy with him paying for most things then great, but if you are not then insist on splitting bills so that you feel as a equal.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2017): Some men become resentful if they pay for everything. Personally I always ask the guys I am dating what they want to do men wise e.g. what kind of contribution would you like me to make towards our dates, they almost always want one. However saying that I date people nearer my own age so its a different generation.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 November 2017):
 How much older is "older"? If he's a couple of generations above you, then my guess is he likes that you don't contribute equally to him. Many men of the older generations were brought up to think the man should make the money, and the womans job is to look nice.
Anyway, there is such a thing as contributing to the relationship in other ways than financial. You join him for trips. Thats contributing. You have fun together, you make him happy etc.
But honestly, between you and me, Im struggling with the same thing. I also met an older man, although not that much older (just a bit, lol) and he's making about three times the money I make and have been making that kind of money for a very long time already. Whereas I barely just started my career. I have close to zero to contribute with. He pays for it all. And he can afford more expensive habits.
Being a modern woman, brought up by a single mom who always paid her own way, Im not at all accustomed to being paid for. It makes me feel uneasy. Im still checking if I will get used to it. Around a year into this relationship now, and I no longer protest when he pays the movie tickets, but I do feel uneasy when he buys expensive stuff for the house (for both of us to use) without batting an eyelid.
If it makes you feel better, I would suggest you let yourself get pampered. And then do the occasional splurge where you pay. I once invited my boyfriend out for a fancy glass of wine, and he was charmed when I paid for the whole shabang out of my own pocket. Because it wasn't expected that I pay (even though I did the inviting). I figured it was expensive to pay for, but all things added up Im saving a lot of money in this relationship, so I feel comfortable treating him from time to time ;) Then just take it one day at a time. I also contribute where it feels natural in other areas, but I wouldn't recommend you do anything you wouldn't normally do. You dont' want to put pressure on yourself or do things you don't really want because you feel you have to.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (8 November 2017):
 Personally, whether I made less money than my man or not, I´d want to pay my own way.
Now don´t get me wrong, a dinner and a date here and there are all well and good but when it comes to huge and expensive things I´d draw the line. That´s not to say that you shouldn´t be appreciative because you should but you should just have a talk with him about how you´d want to treat him to dinner sometimes or just pick up the bill a few times as your way of spoiling him a little, as he does you.
It makes sense right?
I think that a talk will straighten things out a bit and you guys can take it from there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2017): Thank you so much for the advice! I know the age gap is big and one day we may find our differences make us incompatible (I doubt it LOL) but for now I'm living the best version of my life and loving dating him I haven't even thought about it ending. If things do end in a couple months/years I'll still be young enough to bounce back so I'm not stressing about all of that.
In regards to the contributing I believe I was overthinking it as I have made an effort to do things to make his life easier and express my gratitude. After I posed this question I offered to pay for the travel for our trips and he told me to not be silly and I can buy him a beer or two if it makes me feel better. He's also told me several times that I don't cost him nearly as much as I might think I do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): I couldn't have someone buying me, even if that wasn't their intention or mine. That's just me, though, as I feel there's a difference between caring for someone and paying for everything like a parent or "sugar daddy" would.
Tell him you need to share financial responsibility for things. Is it at all possible he does this because he can and feels it will keep his much younger woman around? It's fairly rare for large age gap relationships to be long term because most don't actually have enough in common to last more than a few months to a few years.
What do you see your future being with this man? How old is he now? Marriage? Parenthood? A "grandpa dad"? Does he have an ex wife or grown kids?
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 You're considerably younger than your bf and most unfortunately, in today's society, there are younger women, who do "use" older men for money.
It's a well known fact and i'm not saying that all young women do it, however, there are those who do, just as there are younger men who "use" older women for money.
When there's a big age gap, the relationship may not work because the two of you and your generational gap is way too big and these relationships more often fail than work out.
I know, because i was one of those young ladies who dated a man almost 2 decades older than me.
I think/feel that your bf spoils you because he wants to and can afford to, but he may also be secretly "testing you out", to see what type of person/character you are and if you are with him because you genuinely care and are sincere about him.
You can do many nice things in return and why don't you offer to pay for some of the little things too?
It will allow him to see that you're also giving and are happy to contribute to your relationship.
You can also say, no thank you. He can insist on something, but you can say, no and no means no.
He'll appreciate and respect that in you.
With time, you wouldn't want him to assume that you're a gold digger or a charity case.
Show him, that you too have your pride and that you aren't penniless.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): Ask him to let you share the expenses sometimes. I doubt very much if he will accept especially if he is well off. Actually very few men accept sharing especially when going out with a date. I have been married for many years now and still when we invite guests for an evening out I still pick the bill and have been so with all my dates also in the past. My advice is dont worry about it. Enjoy being pampered.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): My boyfriend is a very successful businessman. He makes way more money than I do; because he actually owns his business, as opposed to working for somebody else.
He built his business from the ground up; and is now a self-made millionaire. When we met four years ago; he was just this guy I met at a home-maintenance and supply store. I had no idea what this guy was all about. He was in a tee shirt and jeans, and looked like any everyday Joe; but I admired his biceps and fantastic tattoos. Good-looker to boot! He started up a chat with me, we hit it off, and the rest is history.
I went through the same phase as you. He grabs the tab, plans fantastic dates; when I myself earn quite a hefty salary on my own. He finally had a talk with me, and reminded (let's say he firmly informed me) me that one of his joys in having what he has, is giving.
He reassured me that he is not in anyway trying to impress me or buy me. I'm a proud and independent person. It isn't easy to accept expensive gifts, although I might spoil my family and friends. He feels he has more money than he needs, and he enjoys splurging on his friends and family; so why not the man he loves?
It took me two years into our relationship before I could accept a car he tried twice to give me for my birthday. I have a great and well-maintained car. It's 11 years old, paid for, and it's mine! He insisted on giving me that car, and I guess he also has a very stubborn side; but I appreciate it. I've kept, and currently own, my good-ole reliable car. I also own my own condo. So I'm not owned by anyone, and I don't use anyone. I take care of me! I also encourage him to give to charities; because that's our spiritual duty, and humane responsibility! Not just splurging and wasting wealth, just because you have it!
Get up before he calls for the check, like you're going to the lady's room. If you can afford it, pay the check; or tell the maitre d' or your server you insist on covering the check. Let him know that you're covering the meal or some portion, because you insist.
I also do the same as you; when it comes to offering him creature-comforts. I give great back and foot rubs, I give full-body massages. I handle things when he's away on business trips; and I cover all the little details he misses to be his second set of eyes. I'm his sounding-board when he's pissed, and his support when he's down. Those are the things money can't buy; and a good man appreciates those things in you.
Accept his generosity with grace. Tell him when it overwhelms you, or makes you feel uncomfortable. Refuse graciously when it's too much. You should flat-out say NO!
No thanks keeps things in check; so he is ever-reminded you're not a charity case, or some gold-digger.
That's how you keep things balanced and remind them that we care about them. It's not the money or the gifts. You're still in the dating-stage. Establish lines and boundaries now. He may also be testing you. Set your boundaries rather that is the case or not!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 Tell him. TALK to him about it. Let him ease that worry of yours.
And there are SO many things you can do in return that costs nothing. You know him, you know what things he likes. It can be a foot rub, breakfast in bed on a Sunday or just BEING there in the moment and enjoying things you do together and EXPRESSING that joy.
I think if it bothered him, he would either NOT make these plans or tell you. Still, I'd tell him how you feel.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (7 November 2017):
 It's the little things that count. Be thoughtful and caring and it will be appreciated.
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