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female
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anonymous
writes: I recently broke off an 8 month relationship with my Ex boyfriend and met someone new. While I have only been dating for a month now, I really feel like I have found real love. The problem is that this new love lives a few states away and works 6 days a week. Since it is difficult for me to see him, he has asked me to move to his town so we can get to know each other better. Since I’m currently unemployed and no family here in NYC, I have nothing to hold me back. Well, not exactly nothing. Before I broke things off with my Ex, he had already told me he loved me and was seriously thinking about spending the rest of his life with me. I felt the same at one point, until I started thinking he was cheating on me. I later learned this was untrue, but by that time I had already thought I met my true soul mate. My friends are telling me that I am rushing into things and there are other things that I need to consider. One of them is that my new friend has only been in this country for 5 months. I myself am from another country and feel a connection with him. However, since I am the first person he has had a relationship with here in the US, I’m concerned that I may not be his last. And considering that I’m a 42 years young divorce’ and he is only 30 and new to this country, I’m wondering how my life will be. While my Ex is a stable provider and is great to his children from a previous relationship, I just didn’t feel comfortable around him and his family. Although, the intimacy was great with my Ex, I always felt insecure about not having a stable profession of my own. The real problem is this, even after my Ex found out about my new relationship, he said he would still take me back. Although he was deeply hurt, he said he still loves me but would not wait forever for me to make up my mind. I know I'm hurting him, but I cannot make up my mind and stop thinking about being with my new friend. Although I know I could live a happy and comfortable life with my Ex, I’m afraid I won’t feel the same excitement and romance that I’m am experiencing with my new lover. -Samba Girl
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (14 July 2005):
 This is a kind of common problem. Excitement and passion or stability and security. How about both? Can you have your cake and eat it? You can if you try but I don't mean for you to see both men. Instead, you need to have these qualities in one man and if that really isn't possible, then to simply be happy with the qualities that one man possesses that suits what you really want.
You need to perhaps find out a bit more about your new man before you committ yourself if you wish to go down the route of being with him. Try to find out his plans for the future and don't rush into moving to be closer to him as you have only known him for a short while. You need to develop the new relationship slowly.
In terms of your ex, have you thought it through why you didn't feel comfortable with him. Consider all the positives to the relationship and whether you can work on the negatives together.
When there is a dilemma like this, it sometimes means that neither man would be right for you because otherwise you would just go for one of them and that would be it. It could be time for you to move on as you must have had reasons for finishing with your ex.
Whether moving on means beeing with this new guy, only you can decide.
Perhaps being on your own might be a good idea as this will enable you to think through what you really want from your future. I know this wouldn't be easy but it is an option.
Think through all your choices and good luck.
A
reader, becky05 +, writes (14 July 2005):
You say your new lover is your soulmate. If you're considering getting back with your ex, he cant be.Decide which of these men you want and stick with your decisions. Make your choice for the right reasons.
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