A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for 3 and a half years. I just want an honest answer to some things. There are some things he does that gets on my nerves so bad that i can feel it physically. I have anxiety and he has ocd. He repeats himself, for example, 3-5 times in a half an hour. What can i do to cope with this problem. Or am i the problem. I tell him what gets on my nerves and he still does those things. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): My situation is similar/reversed, my wife has OCD and it has now got quite stressful for the family. She is 38 and I think the first trigger was 10 years ago when our son was born although I’m sure it existed prior to this but I was not aware and it seemed to be masked/hidden. Anyway it didn’t really come to my attention until my wife fell pregnant with our daughter 5 years ago when basically the she got admitted to hospital as she seemed to be having a mental break down. Soon after the diagnosis followed and during the pregnancy the drugs we kept at a minimum and afterwards she was prescribed fluxotine and had CBT, which seemed to work. The CBT ran its course over a few months and probably 2 years later she was weaned off the medication. So all was well until 2 months ago when it all flared up again and this time there appears to be no trigger and it is more severe, the OCD appears to be ritual based with some link to an occult figure and it she doesn't do xyz something evil will happen to our children. She is in and out of hospital and was prescribed setroline and has been a risk to herself with an incident of over medication and self harm with cuts to her wrists and she is now back in hospital as she is a risk to her self, although I think this is not high but still a risk and a concern. So now I find myself in a very stressful and difficult position juggling a busy career and family. I am supporting but also feel helpless at times as she is consumed by her thoughts. I guess I am trying to find a way through this and this time I am really struggling, as the behaviour patterns over the past years are now much clearer on reflection. She has become withdrawn and interest in every day activities is lacking, she is very needy of people around her, can be very irrational with her thought process, doesn't kiss, appears totally normal when visiting my family but nervous, evidence of hoarding/untidyness etc. I guess a lot of the problem I am having is that her behaviour is not obvious and semms to be meticulously hidden and it is like a constant puzzle I need to rationalise or figure out and even then she can convince me why a certain decision needs to be taken. I am constanly struggling to work out what is her rational or irrational thoughs and this is difficult. She works part time and has been sayng she is streed with hose work and cannot copy although i suspect the ritual are the main drain on time. I could go on but the message is, I am now really struggling to come to terms with this illness which is inflicting her and now I feel totally worn down over the past 10 years and struggle to see how a decent quality of life can be obtained. I would welcome any observations or suggestions. Thanks
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Hi. I can sympathise with what your saying. I am not a sufferer myself, but my sister is. She has suffered from OCD for over 10years, and has become dependent on her husband a great deal. Its not just the person with OCD that suffers but the whole family.Our family used to be very close, but over the last five years it has drifted apart. We understand my sisters OCD and sympathise, but at the same time are very frustrated with her, as she lies and pretends her OCD has gone, when its clear that this is not the case. She avoids her family, for example we havn't seen her in almost a year now, we miss her and her family (she has 2 children). She has been offered cognitive behavioural therapy but has refused this, she takes anti-depressants to attempt to control the illness.My only advice to you would be to encourage your husband to perhaps ask your GP for Cognitive Behavioural therapy, and make sure that you dont give in to his OCD and get bogged down in his daily rituals, be strong and say no I'm not doing that. If he feels compelled to perform his rituals fine let him but dont you pamper to him. Thats one of the worst things you can do, as you are reinforcing his belief that the rituals are necessary.I wish you and your husband well and hope things inmprove.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): As a married OCD sufferer myself, I can offer some insights but not much comfort I am afraid. You are not the problem and neither is your husband. It is his OCD.
OCD sufferers, in general, are more intelligent and sensitive than the general population. As a result, they have a great deal of emphathy and are well aware of how much their actions bother other people. My wife used to get very upset with my actions (taking a long shower being late for a party, washing hands at the sink while she waits for me to have tea together, not able to help her with household chores). But that was before she knew about OCD. She is now more aware and used to my actions athough she is still sad about the quality of my life.
Your husband also need medical care. Therapy is fine but is very hard without medications. This is because, unlike other mental problems, OCD sufferers are well aware that their actions are not rational. So while they tend to agree when some one find fault with their actions but can not help changing them. The repetitive behavior is sometimes compared to addictive behavior (and same medications are often used for both), I do not this comparison. OCD sufferer do not enjoy their actions like addicts. I have been in a shower long after hot water is all gone and I would come out very cold (after I was conviced that I showered the "right way" which is very ritualistic in nature). Medications do help in this regard to some extent but there is not cure. One should if they enable a person to hold a job and let him do atleast a enjoyable things in life so that the loss of control over life does not end up in severe depression. All OCD medications have side effects (sexual, lethargy, weight gain, dry mouth being most problematic). One has to try all of them to decide which works the best and then judge if lessening of OCD is worth putting up with the side effects.
Over time, your husband might become dependent on you physically and emotionally. It might be a problem if he involves you in the OCD rituals. But you should be fine with him not helping you clean up. In my case, I make my wife wash hands every time she does something for me. But I also try to clean up and fix things (that she can not) before showering (it is not a problem then). If you are unable to help with because you have anxiety issues, you might first deal with your problem before trying to help him. Talking about his irrational behavior also helps but do it when he is having a better than usual day.
I can say that unless medications help your husbands really well (and is happens in some cases), your life is going to be stressfull. If you feel that you can deal with him and wish to divorce, do so before he becomes dependent on you. I am sorry for this last statement since I do not believe in divorce but if your anxiety getting progressively worse will not help him deal with his OCD. Separation might actually benefit both. I myself have thought about it to spare my wife the agony but she is not financially independent and divorcees can not easily remarry especially at her age in my community. Also, we have a son who was born when I was a normal person.
One final thought, communication really helps as much as it sounds like a cliche.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 March 2010):
 Was diagnosed by a medical doctor? Did you marry him knowing he had OCD? Certain medications work exceptionally well for OCD sufferers. Make sure he is being well-cared for by his doctor. He's not trying to get on your nerves, he has a disorder for crying out loud. Show some sympathy here. With closely monitored care he may be able to suppress some of the behaviors linked to OCD. Be his helpmate.
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