A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a happily married man of 15 years and I have been with my wife for twenty years, However, I have moved to another country and have been in my new country for 3 years. I do have a soft spot for a neighbour, but I just ignored it, but tonight my neighbout admitted feelings toward me, and I did the same.We both said that nothing would come of it and we both love our spouses, but I am not so sure. I am worried and confused as I love my wife deeply, as does my neighbout loves her husband. The question is if we both loved our spouses, why did we admit to these feelings for one another?I have shared personal conversations with my neighbour about her husband, and she always says 'you read me so well, my husband has never done that...ever'. We talk all the time alone, and I have never said anything to suggest the way I feel, o rlead her on in any way.We both said that if we were both single, we would have fallen for each other, get married, kids, etc.I think this might be a 'mid life crisis' and we are both trying to have something we both can't have.Please help as I have never written into a column like this before and What is wrong with me, this is so wrong!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): (I just placed a post to this question and I wanted to make just ONE correction: I meant to address this to the MAN who had posted his question here. I accidentally addressed this as if it was a female, and I apologize for that. Still, my advice is NOT any different: Avoid the neighbor and get closer to your honey at home. Most people who do the things you are doing also know that it's wrong. Once you see it is wrong, the next step is to STOP the behavior even if you find it difficult. Be FAIR and be faithful. Don't lie to yourself or to the neighbor and start believing it's not really cheating without sex. IT IS CHEATING. It always makes me sad whenever I see posts like these here. If you are "happy" in your marriage, then act like it. Stop talking to that neighbor. Tell her you don't hate her but you don't feel good about the conversations you've been having and you sure wouldn't like it if that was your wife with some neighbor behind your back. Tell the neighbor that those conversations never should have taken place and feelings can come or go in a person't life but to avoid the wrong actions, changes must be made. Tell the neighbor that you are SORRY, but nothing can ever be between you and her, and it's not right to pursue the flirting or discussing feelings or anything personal anymore. Just tell her you LOVE your wife and you are going to stay a good husband and like who you see in the mirror. Tell her it doesn't matter what the attraction is because eventually it will change in time and it's best that you both go your own ways and not invite any further temptations to talk or open any other unnecessary doors. This was bad enough and it has to end here. Be emotionally faithful as well as physically.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): You have begun an emotional affair. There isn't exactly something "wrong" with you, but there is something wrong with your behavior and there might be problems in your marriage. Most people cheat because they want something they are not getting from their partners. It could be emotional support, or being there for you, or sexual problems, or maybe a spouse just got tired of being tied to one person. When a person cheats emotionally or physically, they either want the marriage to fall apart and be done OR they want the affair to remain a secret and keep the spouse and someone else on the side. Whatever the case, it is not fair to the faithful spouse at home. It is not right or fair to sneak secret emails, texts, conversations, flirting, gifts or other emotional intimacy with someone else while you are committed to someone else. It is deceitful and it violates the terms of your marriage. It hurts and humiliates your spouse and it is unethical. The cheater always enjoys the thrill of the new chase and those new feelings of excitement that comes with a new suitor. But the cheater does NOT see that those feelings will also dissipate once time goes by and you get to know that new person better. The excitement will also die down in time and the day to day pressures and routines will replace that new romancic feeling. MY advice to you is to find a way to cut your ties with talking to that neighbor and stop sharing such feelings even if they are there. I don't think those conversations should have taken place with him. Instead, talk with your husband about your marriage and what you both want and don't want, so you can accommodate each other's needs if that is possible. But the answer is certainly NOT bringing another man into this picture. It is hard, but your ONLY chance of keeping your marriage is to cut your ties with that other man and don't talk privately anymore with him about your feelings or your private marital problems anymore. These things are all private and reserved for the one you married and took vows with. He deserves your faithfulness and honesty, doesn't he? While you are enjoying the thrill of stealing moments with the neighbor, just know that you would not want your husband doing this to you and you are disrespecting him in the worst ways. My wife did this to me and even though they didn't have sex, this behavior of her emotional affair killed me. I couldn't bounce back until she cut off her little "friend." When she finally did, we talked things out for months and moved on and she knows I would have left her if she didn't get that third wheel OUT of our lives. Sorry, but that is part of moving on and resolving this mess. But whether he knows what you are doing or not, you are hurting and disrespecting him and this marriage.
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A
female
reader, Trinklett +, writes (10 April 2011):
 You are having this probably because your wife is away from you, you are attracted to her. Tell your wife to visit or go home. Since you still love your wife that will really help.
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