A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am very upset with my mother and I don't know how to handle this situation. My mother never gives me credit for what I remember. My dad was in the army and was being sent to vietnam. I was the oldest and my brother wasn't born yet. I remember my dad getting dressed up in his uniform and I remember he and my mom taking me with them to the train station. My dad bought me a strawberry ice cone at a shop in the station parking lot. I remember that I got ice cream on my shirt. I remember my dad hugging me goodbye and I remember that I could still see him when he got on the train and then he was gone. That was the last time I saw him. He never made it back home from the war. After my brother was born my mom told me that my dad wasn't coming home and that sometimes father's find new families to be with. She never told me the truth. After my grandmother died she left me an old cedar chest. I was going through it and I found a document that confirmed my father had been killed in action. There was also a picture of me and my father at the train station. I even had a spot on my shirt from the ice cream and there was a date written on the back. My brother was born a little over a year from when my dad left. My mother had an affair! Suddenly everything made sense. My younger brother and I look nothing alike. I suspect that my stepfather is not my brother's natural father either. My mom is not well and is not expected to live more than a year. I feel like I should tell her how I feel but I feel like I can't. I don't why she would keep a secret like that all these years. I understand why she said that when I was little but I don't understand why she didn't tell me the truth. I feel like my younger brother should know the truth and know who his biological father is. I don't know where to turn. What should I do now? I am afraid to think that the man I knew as my father wasn't really my dad either.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (30 March 2010):
 I tried very hard to make sure I had no unfinished business with my parents before they died. It has stood me in good stead in the years since -- I miss them, of course, but I have few regrets.
It's possible that your mother wants to get this off her chest before she goes. So if you can bring it up in a way that's appropriate to your relationship with her, do so. It may, of course, go very wrong, and could poison your last months together. So think through how you think she's most likely to react before you bring it up.
The bottom line, though, is that after she's gone you'll never have the chance to get answers.
A
female
reader, ChristineAvril  +, writes (30 March 2010):
 "Not My Name", you have hit it roght on the head once again. This situation is very difficult, but nothing is to be gained from upsetting your mother in her last year or so.
She would have had her reasons for silence and it will do no good to speculate, but I am as sure as I can be from what you say that the most important thing for you, your parentage, is in no doubt. He WAS your real father, that is obvious to me.
As for the rest, leave it be, or at worse talk it through with your brother, maybe after your mum is no longer around?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): you know we as parent forget that our children grow up and hold us accountable for our actions. you need to talk to your mum, you need to get closure and need to perhaps even understand her. i know you are angry, disappointed, hurt, feeling betrayed but if you want move on with your life without these ssues clouding you and your emotions , you need to "confront" your mother with perhaps finally make peace with what happened all those years ago. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (30 March 2010):
 There was a LOT more stigma in those days regarding 'illegitimate' children.
Your mother may have soulght solace with another after your fathers departure / or passing, ended up with a new life out of it, and either through social shame or best intentions, did what she perhaps thought was best to not have herself judged, or your brother labelled a 'bastard child' as people oft did in those times.
It is hard to say wether to confront her or not, ... it could bring up all sort of issues and circumstances that she may have trouble coping with.
If your intention in this is for your brother to know, ..then perhaps tell him, show him the evidence, and let him decide how important it is to him to know some man that was never there for him as a father anyway, vs the possible repercussion on the mother who raised him and was. I don't think it is your place to decide this for him.
You could be opening a huge can of worms here, far bigger than you may imagine, so don't act hastily or with your own moral compass ruling your direction. This is your mum's issue, and your brothers issue, .. little of it will imact you in the same way.
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