A
female
age
36-40,
*rystal_watz
writes:I'm a 31 year old woman who lives and works away from my parents. My parents were never the overly controlling kind, although my mother is kind of very conservative when it comes to certain things. She doesn't approve of partying or wearing revealing dresses. She's always been kind of over-protective about me since I was an only child, and also very hands-on with me, especially in matters of education. I've loved wearing revealing dresses occasionally; maybe a strapless here and a short-skirt there. My mother was never fond of these things; but recently she has started kicking up a storm about these. I live away from he and am 31 years old. But still she freaks out when she sees pictures of me wearing clothes that SHE finds 'inappropriate' (nothing overly revealing--- just a strapless dress). She was so upset about it that she stopped talking to me for more than thirteen days. I had to beg her to talk to me again.Two months after that, I put a picture of another dress that was nothing too revealing, but just a little bit low-cut. Again she started with the same drama. Saying that she'll stop talking to me.Now, I know that I have the option of not posting those pics, but it bothers me as a person. Why should I have to hide my true self from the world because of her? Isn't her behavior controlling and inappropriate? Should I continue to indulge her or put my foot down? Suggest Reply to this Question
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female
reader, krystal_watz +, writes (27 April 2019):
krystal_watz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, now you're contradicting yourself. You did say, "If your parents have authority on you then you're not an adult".
The debating point was authority of parents.
I didn't say that I have a low opinion on people of Asia, I'm an Asian myself (India is also in Asia, Asia is not only those countries with Oriental features) Middle East is also Asia. I said, that by YOUR LOGIC, people of Asia are all children.
Your point was clearly that adults who allow parents to have authority are not adults. Now you're changing your argument.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (26 April 2019):
 OP, stop it. Either argue with your mum, put your foot down or accept that her views won't change and you need to adapt to that.
Complaining here and not listening to advice will do nothing to improve your situation.
ACCEPT YOUR MUM.
- OR -
PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.
Make your decision and deal with the consequences. Weigh up the pros and cons of both beforehand. We can't help you because you're too determined to argue. That's fine, but it's not going to change anything.
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female
reader, krystal_watz +, writes (26 April 2019):
krystal_watz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me tell you something. In Asian societies, men and their wives often live with their parents traditionally. This is changing a bit since the past decade since more and more men are leaving home for jobs in other cities or preferring to have their own flat/apartment after marriage. We don't leave for college necessarily, so there's no compulsory 'moving out' concept. Same goes for the women except they leave house when they get married.
When a man lives with his parents, he adjusts with them and listens to them on certain things because he's expected to do so. This is the case with most households in this societal set-up. So parents (grandparents in case of the children) always have some kind of authority over the house and the family till they die. This has been the social culture for generations. And hence, we have been brought up to believe that we must honour our parent's wishes to a certain extent no matter how far away we live, because that's how the societal and cultural setting is. In our minds, parents always have some kind of authority over you unless they are very abusive or very bad parents.
Going by your definition, a whopping 90% of men and women in such societal set-ups are "not adults". Which would mean that most human beings in the Asian continent are not adults because most Asian societies to my knowledge are this way.
Now do you see how myopic and absurd your thought is?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2019): If you were as assertive and persistent with your mother as you are with Code Warrior; I think your mother would back-off.
The threat of being cut-off financially, or disowning you, are common forms of leverage. It's an act of desperation or cruelty; when overbearing-parents want to keep you under their control. Obviously, you're going to wear what you want to wear.
You can't change your mother, or her traditional values. She was born in another era. Some of her ways are outdated; or she's too bossy and prudish for her own good. You can compromise and do things to please her; if you're that afraid of her disowning you.
Dupatta scarves normally worn with saris are just as pretty around your bare shoulders. If that will make her happy.
Be as assertive with your mother as you're being here; and perhaps she will realize that you're an adult who can make her own decisions. After-all, if a mother truly loves you; cutting you off would hurt her more than it hurts you.
Listening to your parents advice and taking orders from your parents are two different things. Obedience is voluntary when you're an adult. It is required of a young child; if they wish to avoid punishment.
Your mother is only human; and she is limited as to what she can do to make a full-grown woman in her 30's take orders, as if she was still a small child. Like any other human being, your mother learns that she can't always have her way. In reality, she didn't always listen to her mother either. I doubt she always agreed or was obedient to her mother. Apparently, her own mother isn't around to remind her.
This post can go on endlessly; but you simply have to show your mother with or without her permission, you will dress as you please. If she cuts you off, she also ends the relationship with her daughter; and it is cutting off her nose to spite her face. karma will settle that issue!
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female
reader, krystal_watz +, writes (24 April 2019):
krystal_watz is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Even if you were to tell me that most people you know need their parents, I would then tell you that most people you know aren't adults"
Like I said, that is an extreme statement because by your definition, only a very small minority of people would be adults.
Can you spell out the difference between 'want' and 'need'?
"If your mother is still in a position of authority over you, then you're not an adult. My mom has zero authority over me."
Again, your definition of 'authority' is bookish and one-dimensional. Authority does not only mean legal or financial authority.
Many people who are still in their 40's or 60's listen to their parents' advice on things and don't go against them on certain issues. Are they not adults even though they're functioning perfectly in their daily life?
If your mother does not blackmail you with her choices and needs, then that's her choice. But she could if she chose to. That's because she will always have an emotional 'authority' over you as a parents, as the one she gave birth to and raised.
The difference you're trying to draw between 'want' and 'need' is therefore, forced and largely imaginary.
"No, it's not abuse. If you decide to date a guy that your girfriend knows is abusive to women, and your girlfriend tries to stop you from dating him, is your girlfriend abusing you? After all, that would be an example of you doing something related to your life that harms nobody else"
If this is not absurd reasoning then I don't know what is. What my girlfriend would be doing is to prevent me from facing real, tangible harm. Wearing revealing dresses won't cause me harm. If you were to prove something by example, you needed to come up with a more viable example.
Trying to protect someone from tangible harm and imposing your will on someone are two different things.
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female
reader, krystal_watz +, writes (19 April 2019):
krystal_watz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode_warrior: Emotional dependency on parents varies from person to person. It isn't the same as financial dependency. We all need our parents for some reason or the other. Because they're our parents. Most people I know have very close emotional connections to their parents, so don't know what kind of background you come from. Even big shots in real life are often emotionally dependent on their parents.
And like I said, interference and micromanagement that becomes too overbearing can count as abuse.
Let me give you an example, a very basic one if you will. We are aware that throughout history, less privileged groups had to fight for their rights from more privileged groups, right? Because depriving them of their rights was abuse.
So, by your logic, can I say that, "the underprivileged groups are abusing the privileged by causing them distress (by claiming rights)?"
You statement "You are abusing your mom b y putting up those images" sounds like the above.
I'm doing something that's related to my life and harms none else. So if someone else tries to stop me from doing it, then its abuse. And no, it does NOT work the other way round.
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female
reader, krystal_watz +, writes (18 April 2019):
krystal_watz is verified as being by the original poster of the question"If a person isn't independent in every way from their parents, then they're not an adult"That's a little extreme don't you think? Being an adult doesn't mean you're detached completely from your parents. Maybe in your family that is the case, but not in most people's families. Parents are parents, and we will always be attached to them emotionally. Saying that an adult should not be emotionally attached to their parents is downright absurd with no basis in reality.Your definition of abuse is also flawed. Attempts to control and micro-managing every aspect of a person's life can also count as 'abuse'. No, my putting up those pictures is not abuse on my mother since she can choose not to view them. She's actively seeking out those pictures despite my attempts to hide them. Also, by putting up those pictures I'm not actively seeking to cause harm to her. She, on the other hand, seeks to cause me emotional distress if I don't conform to her demands.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 April 2019):
OP, it’s not abusive. It’s a strong disagreement about core feelings. I’m sorry she disagrees with you, but you’re going to have to accept it or stand up to her.
You shouldn’t be emotionally dependent on anyone now - emotionally attached, absolutely, but not dependent. You’ve upset your mum and she’s upset you. That’s not abuse; it’s a normal disagreement. It hurts both of you. How are you going to deal with it?
Turn your settings to private when it comes to your mum. That’s why the option is there, so certain people can’t see certain things you post.
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A
female
reader, krystal_watz +, writes (17 April 2019):
krystal_watz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode_warrior: How is it not abusive? She knows that I'm emotionally dependent on her (most children are on their parents). Parents are not replaceable usually no matter how old you are. If she tries to deprive me of that using her power just because I don't live my life on her terms, that's not abusive?
It'd be interesting to know your definition of 'abuse' then.
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A
female
reader, krystal_watz +, writes (16 April 2019):
krystal_watz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Honeypie,
She's very old-fashioned when it comes to these things. There is no such thing as 'believing in the arranged marriage tradition". It's like, you either have a boyfriend/girlfriend, or you choose arranged marriage if you're single and looking to settle down. So there's no issue on that front, but she's still very old-school in matters of clothes and drinking. She doesn't mind me wearing mid-thigh length clothes or narrow straps (not noodle straps), but anything other than that is an issue.
I want to tell her to back off, but she's stuck in the 'my little girl' mode as you said.
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A
female
reader, krystal_watz +, writes (16 April 2019):
krystal_watz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Code_warrior,
It's a matter of semantics. because an attempt to control is as good as controlling. Because in today's world, there is no way you can control someone by direct physical or mental force. So this kind of manipulative and coercive behavior should be called 'controlling' in my opinion.
I'm not dependent on ehr for money, just emotional support. She's my mother and I love her very much, but I want to draw some boundaries now and want her to respect those boundaries. Threatening to cut off all relationship with me over a trivial issue is abusive.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 April 2019):
 Is she doing this because she fears for your safety and reputation? Or "just" because she doesn't want her grown daughter to dress in a certain way?
While I think at 31 you are old enough to dress yourself and know WHAT is appropriate in certain situation and what is not. She still sees you as her little girl.
My advice? Up your controls for what she has ACCESS to when it comes to social media. And you CAN decide if you even WANT her to see your social media.
I know CULTURALLY, there is a BIG difference in what women can wear in India and STILL be safe compared to Europa and other Western countries.
From a "mom-perspective" I can SEE why she isn't happy with revealing clothing choices you make. I really NIP that in the bud with my daughters (however they are teenagers not 31 year old).
If you are unmarried and you dress like a "slut" (according to your mom) you might also be harder to marry off, if arranged marriage in a tradition your family believes in. And even if you DO NOT expect to be "married off" the likelihood (in your mother's eyes) of finding a DECENT man goes down if you have a "bad reputation".
So I can DEFINITELY see your mom's point of view. However, you have to LIVE your life as an ADULT woman, not her "little girl".
Which means, I think you HAVE to decide if POSTING pictures of you in provocative clothing (according to your mom) OR if you want to maintain a status Quo of NO DRAMA with your mom.
I'd choose to set your PRIVACY setting in a manner where SHE can't see your pictures (and if she has sisters/brothers/ other family members who will tattle set those to NOT allowed to view your pictures).
Or you MAKE yourself an Instagram for the more flamboyant pictures and don't tell your mom about it. (set that to PRIVATE as well so only FRIENDS you can trust and view them).
Some times parents have ridiculous standards and view, doesn't mean that we can't HONOR them as best we can. In your case, JUST not post pictures you know will offend her OR block her from seeing your pictures.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2019): I would never disown anyone over clothing, nor would I dress to please others or give up my free spirit so somebody gets their own way. I would respect their choice of clothing and expect the same. It would have to be goodbye (WITH LOVE) from me until they learnt that nobody owns anyone's free spirit and free will. I would not be emotionally blackmailed, bullied or guilted into another persons mind set or their world view. This is not disrespecting your mother it is respecting your own values in your life. Every individual should have 'the right of choice to live their LIFE how they choose.
Be smart with how you use social media and it won't cause distress to anyone.
I hope you can sort your differences out, nobody likes to see families fall apart, don't know if it's easier to open a mind or close a mind.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 April 2019):
Just be yourself and have better online security on who can see your photos.
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A
female
reader, krystal_watz +, writes (13 April 2019):
krystal_watz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode_Warrior,
I understand what you're trying to say, but how can you say that I'm not being controlled? Since I live away from my motjer, she cannot physically or otherwise force me not to do what she hates. Threatening to cut me off is a controlling tactic as far as I know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2019): I would put my vote in for putting your foot down. Your mother's behavior is out of line and if you continue to indulge her the boundaries will become even more frayed between you.
Have a conversation with her calmly and tell her that you are not open to discussing your wardrobe with her anymore. This topic is now off limits because you are an adult and can buy and wear any clothes that you like. You can also tell her that if she continues to berate you over pictures you post online that you will block her from access to these, then follow through!
It is emotional blackmail for your mom to give you the silent treatment just because she does not get to tell you what to do anymore. Very immature and abusive really on her part.
Remind her that she raised you well, and did a great job. You are confident and self sufficient, and healthy and happy. She also can no longer parent you as she did when you were a child, and tell her you will not permit this type of behavior to continue.
Then, even if it is hard, you need to follow through and walk away or end the conversation as soon as she starts in about your clothes next time. Remind her at this time that you told her this was an off limits topic, and that you will have to talk some other time.
Also try not to be the one to call to start your communications again. Let her cool off totally and come to you. Even if it takes a long time. It is her choice, after your explanation of your boundaries, to cross this and have the consequences of being blocked on your social media and not having you allowing her to speak to you in that way.
Best of luck, I hope that your mom cares more about your relationship than the power she believes she should still have over your life choices. I think she will come around.
Best,
R
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2019): Select who you post your pictures to. If you wish to share, just send your posts to selected individuals; and don't show them to your mother. Your mother is not being controlling, she's being the moral's police; and doing what very conservative and/or religious mothers do.
You have a choice with whom you share your photos on social media; and it would be best you choose the selective setting on each of your accounts. Arrange your photos on your phone so she won't find the saucy ones, unless she hunts for them.
Your mother uses a passive-aggressive approach to manipulation. She won't cut you off. If she does, you should make sure you are financially-independent; so you won't need her money. Her threats are only as effective as you make them. She forgets she's getting older, not younger. Who's going to take care of her when she can't care for herself?
You still have a father! Does she rule-over him too?
You're a grown-woman, as you've clearly indicated. You should have better control over your own emotions. The silent-treatment is her chosen weapon, and threatening to cut you off is ridiculous. She may be stubborn and strong-willed; but ruining her mother-daughter relationship is cutting-off her own nose to spite her face.
Old-school traditional-parents will never change their ways; but they do learn to adapt to the reality of the times.
Wear what you want to wear, and expect kickback when she finds out. Stop behaving so childishly; if you truly believe you're an adult. Let her throw her tantrums and ignore you. Who will she turn to when she's old and sickly, and can't tend to herself? Spiteful mean old-people don't get a lot of visits or attention. If that's how she wants to be, allow her to be that way. Leave her alone.
If she thinks maids and nurses will take her nonsense, she's fooling herself. They will take only so much from a grouchy old-woman. She'll miss you, you're her only child!
Be respectful of her, and stop showing her your flashy clothes. Dress appropriately, if you want to keep the peace and maintain class and respect.
You are aware of the limitations of your culture; and she only wishes that her child-rearing and guidance was effective. You represent your family everywhere you go, like it or not.
Carry a lovely silk scarf or shawl, when your shoulders are bear. It can be something shear and see-through. As long as you can cover your shoulders, she'll be happy. As for short-skirts, wear them whenever you like. If you say you only wear them now and then; how often can she complain about it?
How often do you post such pictures? Maybe she shouldn't have complete access to your social media photos.
Handle it like an adult; and stop falling apart because she ignores you. If she doesn't hear from you, she'll start to worry. Dress as you please! Just be considerate of her feelings; if you're going to flaunt your pictures in revealing outfits. For anyone, including her, to see.
Although you're an adult, she is still your mother. She didn't always please her mother either. Ask your grandmother. She might need to be reminded.
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A
female
reader, krystal_watz +, writes (12 April 2019):
krystal_watz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, I mean *Code_warrior
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 April 2019):
 Well, you’re an adult. You’re living your life for yourself, not your mother, so I’d say do as you please.
She’d have to be extremely childish to disown her daughter over her dress sense. Tell her to stop her nonsense and you’ll dress as you wish.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2019): You are a grown woman. Your mum is no longer responsible for what you do, wear, live or behave. Emtional blackmail is such a despictable thing, especially from a parent.
Tell your mum that she cannot behave in this way towards you as it is urtful and unjust. Tell her that her judgemental attitude towards will destroy the mother / daughter bond if she keeps it up.
Live your life my dear and if your mum chooses to behave in sucj a manner then ignore her.
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