A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband told me on Wednesday he needs help but doesn't know how to get it for his problem.His mom has come out as a transman after knowing for 15 years but struggling with the issue, and my husband can't cope.He's started stress-eating to cope, and is on edge all the time, feels he's losing his relationship with his mom and is worried over his parents' marriage.We've got twin girls, aged 9, and they refer to her as grandma.But won't it be odd for them having three grandads and a grandma? (three grandads because my mother-in-law would technically become a father-in-law?)I want to help my husband but don't know how, and he told me he doesn't think he can afford high-end counseling.He's really concerned because it's a shift in their relationship and she's usually open with him about things as he is with her.I've tried to be there and listen to what he has to say, but he hasn't spoken much about it.There's also a second medical issue in his household; his sister (the kids' aunt), well one of his three sisters has been diagnosed with lupus a month ago; not as serious as COVID-19 by any means, but still serious and she's started to have worries about going out in public and people seeing her flare-ups, she's concerned over her appearance. I get on very well with my sister-in-law but haven't seen her for a long time for obvious reasons with lockdowns etc.So there's two issues to deal with; his mom being a trans man and my husband not coping and his sister, my sister-in-law having lupus.I really need your help on dealing with this.Cheers, Alison (not my real name) Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2021): Congratulations to your husband's dad! Transition is wonderful and exciting and the best thing for a trans person, and his life will only get better from now on.
You and your husband need to address your unintended transphobia. For starters, your husband is focusing on his own needs. Your in law is going through a major transition and needs love and support from his children, reassurance that they love him.
First. Stop calling this man "she" or "mother in law." You need to make the mental shift; call him he and correct your husband every time. This may worsen your husband's depression in the short term but it is essential to both of them reaching long term happiness.
Then, suggest to your husband that he spend time with his dad and do things they always did together, so your husband can see that having two dads is perfectly normal and great, and that his parent has not changed just because he is finally able to be honest with himself and his kids.
Finally, tell your kids. Even if your husband doesn't want to. It's important they get to know their grandpa, and it's a wonderful learning opportunity! Have your FIL there and tell them how grandma recently learned that he is a boy, and this is very normal and healthy and that they should call him grandpa now and that his body might change. At 9 they should hopefully have encountered trans issues, but if they haven't, there are some good children's books that can help them understand. Kids get it quickly and rarely have any issue. And having three grandpa's is super normal, they undoubtedly have classmates with gay parents.
Remember in this that your husband is an adult and your father in law should NEVER be expected to coddle your husband or help him through this, any more than you would expect your sister in law to help him process his reaction to her lupus. Your FIL needs to focus on his own transition and mental health, and can help with coming out to people (because he needs to have control over that) but not with your husband overcoming the messed up ideas he has about trans people.
Your husband has lost nothing, and gained a happier parent. Hopefully his other father is okay with it; if not, it might be an amicable divorce where they stay friends (doesn't impact your husband, since he's an adult) or your other FIL might reveal he's an asshole, in whcih case your husband might need help processing the knowledge that his father is not a good person, but he knows then that he's removed a toxic person from his life and his children's life before they are old enough to be hurt by it. But for now, assume his fathers will sort it out amicably and act accordingly.
And make sure to tell your trans father in law Congratulations and you're happy for him. Trans people constantly deal with the happiest moment in their life becoming about their family being irrationally sad. Imagine announcing your graduation from college or the birth of your child and people acting like it was a tragedy!
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (25 August 2021):
There are charities and internet forums in the UK which which provide support for relatives of transgendered persons who are struggling with their loved ones plans to transition. I'm sure there will be something in Canada too. I think you and your husband should start there. Do a Google search.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 August 2021):
 First. I'm so sorry for your SIL. Lupus IS worse than Covid 19. (in my book).
I would just ask your SIL what she needs help with. Such as perhaps you go shopping for her when she is having a flare-up, as her immune system is weaker at those times.
While it's easy for the rest of us to say don't worry about other people, I can understand that she feels self-conscious when having a flare-up, the thing is, there isn't anything she can do about what other people may think. So working on JUST not caring what random strangers think, and focus on living her best life.
I hope she is getting adequate medical care.
As for the MIL. I don't know what to suggest. Perhaps your husband can "grab the bull by the horns" and just sit down and talk with her. It is a LOT to take in for your husband. People "presume" that you "just" accept such a total change and get on with it. In reality, your husband is mourning his mom. The mom HE grew up with. Who no longer wants to BE that person. THAT is a lot for your husband to take it. How is his dad (FIL) taking it? There is no easy fix here. Not for MIL and not for the rest of the family.
The kids calling her grandma is not that important. Because THAT is who she has been THEIR whole life, so far. But it might be better to find a nickname down the line. Your MIL can find a name she is OK with and that the kids/your son/you are OK with too. As for how many grandpas/grandmas a kid has? totally irellevant. The number is unimportant. Grandparents divorce and remarry too so there can be 8 of them!
I think TALKING about it is probably the best thing. (your hubby and MIL).
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