A
female
age
41-50,
*oveyDoveyBear
writes:My parents try to include us at some dinners but it always seems it's an after thought (calling us over for dinner the last min)and only if my bros fam is there too, they see my bro, his wife and kids every wkend. We live 15min away and they never come by to see our kid, while my bro family lives 45 min from them. They could go month or longer without seeing my kid and when they finally do just for a short time they don't seem to care and my mom just keeps talking about my nephews, I pretend to be happy to hear about them but truth is it's hurtful that especially my mom doesn't give a crap about my son except to lecture me and say I don't know how to be a mom (because my son is older than 1 and doesn't walk yet and other little dumb crap). Im a stay at home mom and going to school, we have no sitter, we haven't had a date night since my son was born, she's declined 2 times that I've ever asked just to watch my son for a couple hrs. My bros fam on the other hand has a FT nanny and my mom does activities with them including other grandkids! Ive been sad about it for awhile but im tired of the way my mom treats us, i just feel like cutting her off completely, if I'm on the phone with her she casually ask about my son but u can tell she doesn't really care. How can parents be so cruel esp to a grandchild? My grndma didn't favor me as a child but it wasn't as bad. My husband resents my mom a lot from this. I almost forgot to include that when my husband and I went over for dinner at my parents to tell them the I'm pregnant news, I will never forget the face she made and what she said to us. She looked at me as if I offended her badly and then said What? You mean you're pregnant? I'm too old and can't watch any kids anymore. The dinner ended shortly after that and we left, I was shocked at her response, angry and sad at the same time. I had a friend's opinion on that and she told me everything will be different when the baby is born, I really hoped so but it just keeps getting worse, and of course since then she sees my nephews at least 2-3 times a week. I have so little contact with my family now that I feel like I've been an orphan for a long time. I really hope that as my son gets older that he doesn't get hurt seeing the favoritism. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2018): It seems this relates back to your own history and relationship with your mother, and your child is standing in the fallout. His treatment is the collateral-damage from a failed mother-daughter relationship.
It seems your relationship with your mother has been strained all along. There's insufficient backstory; but I don't think it's your son she doesn't care for. Apparently, you two have never really gotten along. You two must have butted heads most of your teenage-years into your adulthood.
My guess is that you've held a suppressed resentment for your mother, and she's not particularly crazy about you either. I also suspect that she has historically picked your brother over you; and that has created this ongoing hostility between you. You can't do anything good enough.
Old-school traditions and double-standards sometimes raises the son(s) over daughter(s); because they're male, and they carry-on the surname and can pass it on to their wife and kids. Giving your father a son; is like presenting the whole clan some sort of esteemed prize in so many cultures.
I think your brother is her favorite. He's successful, and he can afford a full-time nanny. She overcompensates for his attention by outwardly showing her preference; it's her way at getting back at you for letting her know how much you resent her bad behavior.
I speculate you've repeatedly called her out on it. Even if it means her being indifferent to your son to retaliate. She uses passive-aggressive behavior to punish you. She's obviously pretentious; because she knows how much it breaks your heart. She assumes you tell your brother and his wife everything she does that hurts you.
People who can be cruel or apathetic to innocent children and their own offspring; have to have a mean-streak the width of a six-lane highway! Some families just never get past parent/child conflicts. The feud rides them to the grave. The fear of hell might get your a last-minute apology before the final gasp for breath.
Family drama!!!
You're not just trying to seek your mother's acknowledgement of your son, it appears you also need her approval and validation. I don't think she's crazy about who you chose to marry; and she doesn't mind showing how little she cares about you, your son, or your husband.
Your son is too young to realize what's going on. Don't influence his feelings towards your mother. Just make quick visits in acknowledgement of her existence; for the sake of family-heritage.
Teach him proper respect. Don't repeat her failures, and show him how to be a good person in spite of the cruelties others may show. How you treat him and your nephews negates your mother's bad behavior towards you. Make sure all the kids are close; regardless of the previous generational-curses. You have a chance to undo her damage by being a much better mother.
Cutting contact with your mother only perpetuates the animosity. I think as a mother yourself, it is better to take the high-road. Protect your son's feelings, show respect for your mother's age, and never forget the fact she gave you life. If for nothing more than that.
Your mother is getting old. Age either mellows the meanness in older people, or it forces them into isolation. Their kids start to drift-away, or move-away. They may end-up the sad old soul with no visitors; or lying in their deathbed with tons of regrets.
Loneliness and being forgotten in your old-age is not a very good feeling. Feel free to remind her in so many words.
She assumes being nice to one set of grand-kids will plant her deeper in their hearts. It just may turn-out it is your son who shows Grammy he's the only one left to give a hoot about her. He may become someone great, with many blessings bestowed upon him. She'll want credit for the DNA!
The others may grow-up spoiled and privileged. He will be taught to rise above the damage of her cruelties; and to break the strongholds that kept you and your mother apart. He may be the bridge between you someday. God works in mysterious ways.
Protect his feelings and your tender heart. Don't push, or retaliate. Visit briefly and sporadically. When the others start to drift-away; she will look back on her life, and wonder what went wrong? You should have no regrets; because you've always tried. When people are left alone to themselves; that's when they look back in retrospect and their sins return to haunt them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2018): Hi sweetie. Know how you feel.
I have had similar thoughts about my mother and family. My 12 year old son has autism and I always felt he was invisible at family gatherings or just in life in general. My two younger sisters have two daughters and two sons each. My mom dotes over the two girls and the two boys. My youngest sister who is the Godmother of my son barely knows my son is alive. She never sees him or calls to talk to him. However, she is always going on outings with my two typical nephews. She is always talking to them at family gatherings but never making an effort to talk to her autistic God son. He certainly never asked for this condition and neither did we. But we always feel that he is excluded. Maybe some of this is people not knowing how to cope or being afraid of what they don't know so they distance themselves and this is the worst thing they could ever do. First of all, after 12 years, this condition is no longer foreign to them and after all this time, they should have stepped up to the plate and didn't.
I already feel isolated and alone and family members, those whom you are closest to and expect to love and support you, are the first to let you down. It hurts. Why? Because we have certain expectations of the people closest to us. Their actions or inactions also hurt us the most. They somehow know which buttons to push. Also, we choose to allow them to hurt us and base our happiness on what they do. It's time to change that mind set.
Here is what I have learned through my own experiences of having a special needs son, the resulting isolation and having to rely on myself and nobody else.
At the end of the day, it's your life and your happiness. Be pro active. You have a couple of options.
You can talk to everybody as a family and tell them how you are feeling. Let it all out. Have them explain their side. Maybe your mom and brother's family did not realize they were acting this way and causing you to feel hurt and disregarded because of your child. It is possible. When we are upset we wallow in it and may not see things objectively or think logically. We are ruled by our emotions. And especially when we have young kids and are pregnant. And of course hubby will take our side. Not only is he right, as you are, but it's his duty to do so. So, a little advice from somebody looking in can give you another perspective.
My mom has said some pretty ridiculous and mean things to me. So has my sister and so has my brother. I don't think I will ever forget them and it has created a lot of necessary distance but you just have to put on your suit of armor and deal with it the times you are obligated to see them. Other than that, just live your life and do not base your own worth or your son's worth on these people. Yes, they are related by blood but sometimes family members can be the most toxic of people to have in our lives or your children's lives. I think you are still seeking your mother's love and approval. Guess what? Neither you nor your son need it. I am going to venture a guess that she was a very emotionally distant mother. So, you probably never felt truly loved by her. And are living out your childhood issues through your son.
I am wondering. Do you mix with the family? Invite them over? Call them? Are part of their daily lives? Just asking in case they feel you never reach out to them either. I have been accused of this. Mostly because my hands are full raising a special needs son and not needing their ignorance to compound matters.
Also, is your brother and/or his wife competitive? Competition happens a lot in families, especially once grandkids are born. I was married before my sister but come hell or high water, she was hell bent on beating me to have kids. And she did. Everybody kept asking what was wrong with me??? Seriously??? This is why I do not talk to these so called family members anymore (except at weddings or funerals.. whew!) ... As an aside to that story, it was so nice to see the look on my sister's face when we had the first grandson and she had two girls. This is significant in our culture.
I have asked that same sister if she could watch my boy on my bday because we had theatre tickets. She said no because she had a hairdresser appointment she wanted to keep and it would take weeks before she would get another appointment. Really???
I've asked my mom only a handful of times if she could watch my son and she always seemed to complain. And then I reminded her of how many times she not only babysat the other grandkids but also slept over.
How can they not see their actions are so outright unfair?
I called my mom out on it everytime. I have had some serious fights with family members. But once they realized I meant business, they shaped up.
It may take telling them you will no longer be part of these events if your son is continuing to be ignored.
Sometimes not being subjected to hurtful behavior, even if it's family, is the best decision you can make. If they care, they will change their ways.
If they don't, then you were vocal and stood your ground.
I'm a big believer in communicating at all costs. It puts your position out on the table. At that time, either it can be worked out. Or not. And you can pick up the pieces, whatever they are, and move forward. It's better than sulking, constantly feeling hurt and depressed and stuck in one place.
Holding it in is not good for you either.
I really hope I have helped sweetie.
In this life, people are going to disappoint us often, not meet our expectations often. This is when you need to wear your suit if armour and take responsibility for your own happiness. Count all the joys and blessings in your life. Never let others bring you down. Never let your happiness reside in other people. Even people who are supposed to be family.
Best wishes. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2018): Hi Honeypie, thanks for your response. My husbands parents were divorced when he was in his teens, his mom died of cancer about 3 years ago. His dad doesn't seem to care about anything else except money so doesn't really want to have anything to do with our son. I'm sure if my husbands mom was alive that she would have been happy to be involved with our son. My husband did say the same thing about my mom that she might be jealous, but I always thought that parents would want their kids to do well, at least that's what I would want for my kid.
I would like to agree and say yeah I should minimize the time she has with my son, but she really spends no time at all with him. Hopefully later it will get better when our son starts going to school and he has his own friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2018): I have a similar sort of relationship with my father - like there is a total dis-interest over me (and my child) unless it is to complain. It hurts. But in the words of savage garden "I believe our parents did the best job they knew how to do", so I've learnt to accept my father's limitations and just let it go. I haven't cut him out of my life but i have limited how much effort I make, I usually only do what i want to do because it is what I want. It really does help doing things more on my terms and not having the constant rejection because I don't push contact. I realised that I wasn't the one missing out, he was.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 January 2018):
 Honestly, I this is how she feels I would rather minimize the amount of time she spends with your son.
I could be wrong but she might be jealous at you. Some moms are like that with daughters and daughter-in-laws.
Make friends, even older people. Your son doesn't NEED people like your mom in their life. TBH, in this case I'd say that family is what you make it, not just by blood.
What about your husband's parents? Are they involved?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (31 January 2018):
 Confront her. If you're already considering cutting her off, what do you have to lose?Meet her in a public place, just the two of you and *calmly* speak your mind. Tell her facts, not just emotions. When you're done, ask her why she does it. She may not realise. If she flat-out refuses to accept it, then you know where you stand. Tell her to "reach out when you stop being in denial and genuinely want to get to know your grandson."If she doesn't realise at first, give her a chance. Stay cool the whole time, or it will be pointless. Let her speak too. Be patient.My paternal grandmother was cruel to me, as a child. She never liked my mum and prefered my dad's sisters over him, so it passed on to me. She has 6 grandkids and I've always been her least favourite, for no particular reason. For that reason, since I was old enough to decide for myself and understand the consequences (13 years old), I've barely seen or spoken to her. Same goes for the rest of my dad's side of the family, as they've never shown an interest in me. It is sad, but it's my normal. Your son would probably grow up a bit confused and sometimes upset, if you cut all contact with her, but he'd be equally upset (if not more so) to realise he's being treated differently to his cousins - which children do pick up on.If you have nothing to lose, confront her in public (or at her house, if she refuses to go out). Stick to the facts, try to stay unemotional and give her a chance to process it. Then her reaction to it all will give you the deciding vote on being patient with her actively improving or cutting all contact until she realises what she's lost, *if* she ever realises.
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