A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Since I was little, my mom was never good to me. She was wicked with me as a child and constantly put me down. She went through a lot of problems and I guess it was just easier for her to take her anger out on me than the real problems she had. She never made me feel like I was good enough and as a result I've always had no confidence and still struggle to make friends. My teenage years were HELL living with her and I moved out at 18, the first chance I got. Since I moved out, my relationship with her did improve, because we only see each other in small doses. I still visit to see my younger brother and our dogs, but lately, everytime I go, she shouts at me for something. Yesterday, she went off in a rant at me about how I need to get another job because it is not good enough, and about money. I feel my finance is no longer any of her business, and I certainly never ask her for anything! If I am not doing exactly what she wants, she won't support any decisions. I am now deciding if I should stop visiting and cut her off altogether, because she brings nothing but bad feeling into my life.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 August 2014):
 I think that perhaps you've kept her up to speed with all that is happening in your life a bit too much. If she doesn't know something then she won't feel the need to comment on it now will she? Cutting off all contact will do more harm than good to the relationship that got a little better after you moved out. Your doses seem just right but stop giving her insight as to what is going on in your life. The less she knows the better and the less ammo she has when she decides to go off on you. Keep the relationship as sweet as possible by not telling her much and taking the good (if any) you can from her criticism. That's all I can say with the info you've given. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): If you cut yourself off from your mother, you will also cut yourself off from your younger brother and the dogs.
You mention nothing of your father. If he was absent during this time or all along; your mother is stressed-out, and over-compensating as a parent. She is bitter about her life and people often take out their frustrations on the closest people to them.
Continue taking her in small doses. Learn to let most of what she says go in one ear and out the other.
If what she says makes sense, use her advice to your benefit. Show her what she says means something to you, and you just might get the same in return. If you are spiteful and you never listened to her; she may be conditioned from your growing-up to come down hard on you. It's hard to support someone who is ungrateful and sassy.
If you're snarky and confrontational when she's talking to you, you'll only piss her off all the more.
Sounds like your mother had a hard life. If she started out young with two kids to raise, and she never really did anything she wanted to. She is mad at the world.
You catch hell, because she's not happy. You're the oldest, which is probably when she thinks her troubles started. If her life went down hill from there, she may feel subconsciously you're the reason. She never got counseling or had a good talk about it; so it's buried deep inside, and comes out in anger.
Daughters and mothers often clash anyway. They can't see eye to eye on very much; being from different generations and having different outlooks on life. Sometimes when a person comes at you with a nasty attitude, you tone them down when you kill them with kindness. If you don't respond with anger, they often may calm down.
Try a different approach, pretend to be listening. Be agreeable,regardless of your past. You have to start from somewhere. If nothing works, then see her less. Spend time away from the house with your brother.
There are two-sides to every story, so we also would have to know what she gets in return from you, that really sets her off. How you grew-up in your teens, and how you behaved as a child, at home and in school.
Anyway, you can always invite your brother out to the movies, go on bike rides, and find things you can do out of the house.
Go walk the dogs when your mom gets riled-up. Tell her, you're not there to fight. You just want to get along. You'll try if she will. Someone has to offer an olive branch. You claim she's a total monster. I don't believe it.
If she was, you would have taken from her by CSA.
Your mother has unresolved issues, and you should take a lot of her mean words with a grain of salt. You can also tell her when you've had enough, and ask her to please change the subject; or you'll have to go.
Maintain civility and be respectful.
She may not support your decisions, but she can't stop you from doing what you want to do either. Keep the peace and don't shut-out your family. You will regret that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): It's hard to tell without many specific examples of how she was "wicked" to you. Sometimes, parents do take out their anger on their children, but other times, they are looking out for them and may not know the best way to express that. If telling you to get a better job is the worst thing she has ever done--or if it is typical of what she does--you should definitely NOT cut off contact. Certainly, if she is encouraging you to go to school, you should listen to her because survival without an education or job training of some kind is extremely difficult, even for people who luck out with decent jobs when they are young. If this is not the case and her anger is irrational, then maybe limit your contact with her and let her know why.
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