A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mom is really stressing me out. She lies and is a very selfish person. I have a 9 month old baby and my mom never wants to see her. She never helps me out, if she has a week off work, like this week I asked her if she was off because she mentioned before that she took the last week of Jan. off, and she told me no. Then my brother who lives with her said she was off this week. I called her a cpl. days ago she didn't answer so I told her I thought she was at the casino (she likes to gamble) she lied to me and said no that she was home all day and didn't see her phone rang, so she didn't know I called. Then my brother told me that she did go to the casino (not knowing my mom lied to me) Once I asked her to barrow 500 b/c I was pregnant and needed to put down a security deposit on a house, and she had just won 10 thousand at a casino, and she said no. I found out not long afterward she went to the casino w/ my aunt and loaned her 700 to gamble with, knowing my aunt has no money and I always pay ppl. back. Although I have never barrowed anything from my mom. She hasn't once babysat my daughter. I am going to the hospital to have another baby in March and I expressed my concerns abt. not having anyone to watch my 9 mo. old and she told me she couldn't get off work, but that's a lie she gets 12 weeks off per year at her cushy gvmt. job. She will notdo anything for me, but plays favorites to my other sister and brother and gives them money when they don't even need it like I do. Her husband told the police I was the only 1 that had a key to the house b/c one of his buddies from the bar he's at everyday broke into their house and stole money and he didn't want his friend to get in trouble, my mom never told the cops that his bar buddy did it, and she allowed the police to interrogate me, when she knew I was working at that time. Then a few months later, my mom's car was parked at that bar, and someone broke into it and stole her purse. Yet she still goes there because her husband hangs out there everyday. I hate that she lies to me, and treats me like I don't matter. All my friends have mothers that watch their children at least once in a while so they can go out. My mom is retiting soon and she said that she wishes she were retired already and I said why, and she said so we could go out. and I said well, you never want to see me now, why would you want to see me when I have 2 babies? And I would like to go to college I told her, and I know she wouldn't watch my kids for a couple hours if I were at college. She also has stolen from me, we were at the mall shopping and I had to go to the bathrom and she held the bag of things I just bought, and when I got out, I looked in my bag and some of my stuff was in her bag. I confronted her and she just laughed and changed the subject. She shoplifts, and she changes price tags on things at the store. So if I ever go with her, she'll lose me so she can go do this. The list goes on and on but I am really upset that she's still lieing to me, I am older now w/ kids of my own. I wish she would respect me. I treat her with respect. And I never ask her for anything. I have learned that it is a losing battle. She's been married 3 times, the last 2 are really hard alcoholics and every guy she's dated in between have been alcoholics or losers who use her and have no job. I just feel like it's unfair, I want a mom that I can depend on!
View related questions:
alcoholic, money, she lies Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, justme4once +, writes (30 December 2010):
hi,I have a mother who cumpulsively lies, when she watches her grandaughter she calls me every 15 minutes to tell me how much my daughter (2) misses me. I have a similar story as yours that could go on and on. Advise- Go to a local senior home and volunteer some time. There, you may find an older (motherly) figure who you could share some of the feeling that ur mother is unable to give you. Your mom still works and may not want to care for children anymore cause she's older dont take it as she doesn't love you she seems to have a lot of issues herself. She may not have the $ you think she has especially if she is married to an alcoholic who doesnt wrk. I think she just has her own issue just like my mother. The best thing is to distance yourself and not expect ANYTHING from her. good luck and go to college, no more babies for now :) Look for parenting groups.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Who said anything about an addiction? Gambling, hun, doesn't alway mean addicted, degenerate gambler. The volunteers are making a lot of assumptions based on nothing and blaming you for them. Granted, the father of your child should be helpful. But thats not what we're talking about. The question is clear enough for me to understand. "What do i do when my mother ignores me and her granddaughter?"Why is everyone making statements based on assumptions (crystal balls) and then when their predilection is revealed, they blame you for their assumptions? She didn't ask about her husband, (here i go with an assumption) maybe she was focusing on the rift between her and her mother. You've got big crytals balls to assume she's got a mother that's an addict and abusive from childhood. I didn't really see anything that mention her problems as a child. Here's another assumption for you volunteer ppl, maybe it began when she had her child, then the mother developed issues? that's using the informaiton present to create a logic assumption.
...............................
A
male
reader, Bitter Truth +, writes (17 November 2008):
I think you might be dealing with a few different issues. I'm sad that every response on this subject has basically called you a needy teenage mother that's trying to rope your mother into raising your children. Honestly, I feel if that was the case, you wouldn't be here looking for advice.
I think a lot of the ppl that have responded to this subject are raising their kids kids. Maybe they should think about what they might be transfering into this situation. I'm 35 years old, maybe I'm closer in age to you and haven't developed a mistrust in strangers to that degree yet.
When I read your question, I felt you were disappointed that your mother is treating you like some acquaintance.
"I get the feeling she thinks you made your bed by having kids, so you can go and lie in it." Since when is having children such a crime? She had you. I think Phil needs to stop watching so much television, or he needs a hug or something. He really sounds...um...bitter. "Maybe she feels too young to be a grandma." I think if that's the case, it's not your fault. I think Phil and your mom need to grow up. And by the way, your age is listed above your question, these ppl just what to come down on someone.
"You just have to suck it up and move on." Right Arkiteck, who needs parents? It sounds like these ppl responding have severe parent issues and seriously need counseling of there own. "Concentrate on being there for your children and if you do things right, they won't have a need for their grandmother." Your not giving good advise Arkitech.
It really hurts me to read that.
"It takes a very special kind of woman with courage and the big heart to embrace that unselfish,"not-me" generous attitude and do all they can to help." Good lord ppl.
Here's a website that will explain Narcissism in detail. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism
I think this is more likely the issue your mother (and a few ppl responding to your question) might be facing.
I'd go some place else next time for advice. All I'm seeing besides my post are ppl ganging up on someone that probably represents a situation in their live that they aren't handling correctly, hence the poor advice that the slap in the face to the person asking. Good luck with your mother.
And to the person asking the question, good luck with your mother too.
The Bitter Truth
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): Well, hun...as volunteer advisors who graciously give of their spare time to help, others...I do think your response may have shown your true character. Perhaps. a more generous quick thank you, should have been given. Sometimes, if you don't like the advice..I would say it's maybe better to not say anything at all.
I agree with Phil, I think you used this site to rant about your Mother. As I said, I think you are suffereing a deep emotional loss and that is...feelings of attachment from your Mom. This issue can only be worked out with you Mom and if that is not possible...perhaps some family counseling is the way to go.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): I'm sorry you found the replies unhelpful, but bear the following in mind:
You never mentioned once that you were married, so obviously we took it that you weren't. Without a crystal ball, all we can do is comment on the content of the question. I got the impression you were a single mum who was stuck at home with one kid and another on the way who needed someone to look after the kids while you went out. Your age, or whether you're a teenager or not, makes no difference to the replies you got.
If you read through your post, you might also notice that you didn't actually ask a question, but just made a lengthy statement. If I had moderated your post, I could have rejected it because of that.
So, if you have a question, please feel free to ask it! If you just want to holler at someone about the unfairness of life this isn't really the place to do it.
Phil
Phil
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): She doesn't think I see her as a baby sitter. How can you even get that impression when I told you she has not babsat once. Nor have I asked this of her. She doesn't like me because I am an honest caring truthful person & she is not. That is the only reason, if any that she doesn't like me. I am married, my husband supports us, so why would she be mad that I got pregnant? I am 26, not a teenager. I haven't lived with her for a lot of years, and she likes my husband so that is not why. Your advice is really unhelpful.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): After all you have stated about her questionable character in your posting, I am wondering why you would even complain about her not helping you with the kids. Do you want a woman like this, around your kids? I think this about your feelings of loss, isn't it. And I am sorry. We all want Mother's who share and value our lives, and our children. I had a Mother very similar to yours. I learned to accept it. Many older women take on responsibilities to help their adult children, because they want to be involved with the lives of people they love. It takes a very special kind of woman with courage and the big heart to embrace that unselfish,"not-me" generous attitude and do all they can to help. Some women are not wired this way and your Mom is one of them. There is nothing you can do about this. Your mom has made her choices. Now you have to make yours and look at other avenues of seeking the help you need. A grandmother, an Aunt, friends, other Mom's you can switch babysitting with, etc. All I can say to you, is it is time to handle this with maturity and grace. Look for other ways of seeking help. You are not going to get it from your Mother. Truly, I am sorry.
...............................
A
male
reader, Arkiteck +, writes (28 January 2008):
Well first off, you said yourself you know it's a losing battle. Almost everyone wants to have a special relationship with their parents but sometimes it can't or doesn't happen. You just have to suck it up and move on. I can understand that it hurts but you can't force someone (even your parents) to change or be who you want them to be. They're just going to be who they are. You have to learn to let go of things that you can't control.
Secondly, they're your children, not your mom's. I'm not defending her, but she did her time in rasing you and it's not her job to raise your kids. I know your saying you just want her to babysit for you once in a while, but again, you can't make her if she doesn't want to. Concentrate on being there for your children and if you do things right, they won't have a need for their grandmother. To this day i have no relationship with my grandfather, yes it's sad, but i don't need it because i know my parents love me and raised me right. And because of that i'm happy. I know you care about your mother, and you want to depend on her, but it sounds to me that you'd be better of depending on yourself. Besides, what mother throws her child to the police to protect someone who isn't even blood?!?!?! The nerve of some people!!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): I'm trying to see things from her perspective. I think she thinks you think she's a ready-made babysitter but all she wants to do is go out and enjoy herself. Looking after one kid, let alone two, would severely disrupt her routine. They're not her kids, so why should she bother. Your kids, your problem.I get the feeling she thinks you made your bed by having kids, so you can go and lie in it. I also get the feeling she's avoiding you for fear of being asked to look after the kids. Also, I get the feeling that she doesn't particularly like you all that much. Have you done something to upset her in the past - like getting pregnant, for instance? Or something else?I don't know, but this doesn't sound like a happy relationship you have with your mother. Maybe she feels too young to be a grandma.Phil
...............................
|
