A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Aunts!I apologise in the first place that this isn’t going to be a short or “ethical” post (in the opinion of the most). I met my bf 3 years ago at work and he was my boss. We were very good friends and had gotten married recently back then. His wife used to live in his homecity and he was alone in my city. Friendship turned into a non-commitall affair with him (he said that his arrange marriage wasn’t working at all). Later on that year, he asked me to be his second wife (he’s Muslim and polygamy is legal in his religion) to which I wasn’t interested at all cause it’s unacceptable in our society and my religion. Next year, his wife got pregnant which he said as “accidental “ and “unplanned” (could be possibly as he has never lied to me about their relationship or family situation). We were going fine until his son was born. Don’t get me wrong, I love his son a lot but he’s been using his son as an excuse to call off our relationship. He’s scared that if his wife gets to know about the affair, she might leave with the son and he can’t afford to lose him. He now even says that me might not be able to manage two wives and can’t give me commitment.Now I want a commitment and he doesn’t. The tables have turned. I have invested so much in this relationship that I have even put my papers to be able to move to his home-city later this year and not looking for any guy. It breaks my heart when he says that I should look for someone else as he loves me a lot and doesn’t want to ruin my life by making me his second wife.I’m totally at a mess, losing my sanity. Can’t focus on my work or life. Please help me with the next step as this is probably the end of my romantic relationship quests as the last one was 9 years long and abusive (‘my ex was single). Also I’m feeling that I’m on the thin line of turning into a lesbian because of the tremendous trauma men have brought in my life. Please be a little kind, not in a situation to accept harsh words.
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affair, at work, lesbian, muslim, my boss Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2021): Sounds to me like he wants rid of you but doesn't have the balls to say it. Like he didn't have the balls to divorce his wife in the first place. He obviously isn't going to change or commit to you properly and is now basically telling you to go. Maybe he just liked the chase when you weren't interested in a commitment, now you can't have him and youre suddenly interested in a commitment, he doesn't want it...
You did get yourself into this situation, but he's obviously a bit of a charmer and got you hook line and sinker with his bull so don't blame and hate on yourself, that'll only make it worse. Being in abusive relationships does damage to your self esteem so when a guy comes along offering the moon its easy to jump straight in, they make you feel so amazing.
Just walk away now with your head held high knowing you're finally doing what's best for you.
It will be hard, but in the long run you'll be so much happier.
Do t go on a "love quest". You don't need a man. You need to just do you. Get to know yourself, do some stuff you've always wanted to. Forget this waste of space, let his wife have him.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 January 2021):
 I'll try to be kind.
You made this mess happen when you ACCEPTED to have an affair with a married man. So take responsibility here.
He didn't walk around without pants on and fell on his wife so she got knocked up, you know. They had sex.
If he is so afraid the wife will find out, then his priority is NOT you. You are side dish. Entertainment. Something to take his mind of a marriage HE claims isn't that good. Having an affair with you... doesn't MAKE his marriage any better either, nor does it DO anything GOOD for you.
Make better choices, OP
Like, END it with the married man, focus on YOURSELF, your life, your career and your future.
You don't have to pretend to be a lesbian because you got into an affair or had an abusive ex. And yes, I say pretend to be lesbian because your sexual orientation isn't a "shirt" you put on and *bam* you are a lesbian. That isn't how things work. I get that you mean you think you would be "safer" with a woman, but reality is that it is NOT a guarantee that because you DATE a woman everything will be lovely from then on.
While having a second wife might be "legal" for (some) Muslims doesn't mean it's for you. And since you are not Muslim why would you even consider it? unless you intend to convert? He CAN NOT marry a non-Muslim, OP
Don't move to his home town/state/area. Move somewhere ELSE, somewhere you have always wanted to see. Learn new skills, make new friend. Take a break from "dating" while you sort yourself out.
The only one ruining your life...
IS YOU.
Love yourself more. Want better. Be better.
LISTEN to what you slimy "lover" says - "he says that I should look for someone else as he loves me a lot and doesn’t want to ruin my life by making me his second wife."
He is right. You DESERVE more and better.
Let him go and CUT, block ALL contact.
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