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female
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*hunky_monkey
writes: My boyfriend and I of almost 2 years have hit a rough patch. He went away to school about 5 hours away. Nothing seemed wrong at all the first 4 months of him being away. I thought we were closer and on the same page. As It turns out we weren't The past 3 months I have been finding out something new every month of something that happened up there. Each time he promised that nothing else bad happened up there. There is nothing to worry about. I one i was juts told about was that he has been offered every so often cigarette by his friend that smokes and accepted them. It last 4 months before he came to the conclusion that they are bad for you. Never once during these four months did he even try to tell me. I makes me feel sick of the thought of him smoking during the day and seeing me on the weekend. I don't like smokers and he knew. I have been asking him indirectly about it for a while. He kept telling me no. Finally I asked again last wednesday and he told me he has some few and far between but since christmas he stopped. I have gotten past the whole angry and yelling at him. Now I can't forget, everytime i see someone smoking I think about my boyfriend smoking and then i tell him about it. He gets defensive and guity. Sure he should feel guity because his decision are the reason why i am upset but i hate to see him this way. I feel betrayed for months and have lost my trust in him while he is at school. I feel like our relationship was somewhat based on a lie since he went to school. I don't at all trust him around his smoking friend and i dislike his friend that smokes. I know that if it wasn't for the friend my boyfriend wouldn't have smoked. I know he did it to be "social" and fit in. I have no trust in the friend. I know this is horrible to say but his friend is leaving in may and i am excited about it. I know my boyfriend at times can be easily influenced and without a friend that smokes around the less of a chance this will happen again. I am stuck with idea on how to trust my boyfriend again. He kepts on saying i know in your heart you want to trust me, i give you my word it won't happened again. But how am i supposed to know when I am not there. He told me he couldn't lie to me if it happened again. But I worry it will happen again and he won't tell me to not make me upset. I want to some how limit the chances of this happening again. I have saked my boyfriend to not be be around his friend when he is smoking. But I still feel insecrute. I don't know what method to use to somehow make sure he isn't without making it seem like i am checking up on him. I don't know how to give him back my trust. The one this i know is i want to fix our relationship and he does too. Can someone please help?
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (6 April 2006):
 Why are you so obsessed about what he does when you are not around? If he wants to smoke when you are not there that is HIS choice!!
A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (6 April 2006):
 Dearie, i think u are worrying too much. smoking is a bad habit and has it health hazards. But it is really up to an individual whether he wants to smoke or not. dont think i am taking his sides, really i dont smoke myself and my boyfriend smokes. he knows i hate smoking and he only smokes outside the house or when i am not around since he doesnt want me nagging.
The thing is that u can not really stop someone from smoking. they can only stop smoking by themselves.taking up smoking is also ones decision. Who knows he probably just tried it and perhaps didnt fancy it. in groups that happens while some dont go along with it as a habit others get sucked in it.
I know he is far away from you and all. which each new development you worry. that is the thing about long distance relationship ones feels insecure not seeing the other person for some periods of time and wondering what they are up to. you could try visting him sometimes, chatting on the net and phone calls. Dont make him feel u are checking on him just that u miss him.
Take care, all the best. i hope i have been able to help abit.
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