A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently completely my last semester of college (just two classes) and interning at a great company. I hope to work for them full-time after graduation. My boyfriend is in the middle of his MBA program in Shanghai. I'm from the States and he's from Asia; we met several years ago here through a friend. He visited again in August on a business trip and we really hit it off. I've never felt so in love and we've maintained an LDR until now. He came to spend time with me for a week in the fall, and I spent three weeks with him in Asia over winter break. Everything is great; after many years of dreadful college I finally have a promising job in a field that I enjoy. He is also working hard and very busy. However, since I came back from Asia, I hardly heard for him for three weeks. He took days to respond to each message which made me nervous. I was upset and asked him what's going on. It was hard getting it out of him but FINALLY and we had a long video chat. He was an a car accident and his legs are damaged. He will be in a wheelchair for now and perhaps a long time. I was so shocked about everything but I can't imagine what he's going through. What do I do? We haven't been together for so long; especially physically which makes our relationship seem even newer. I feel nervous and heartbroken at the same time. I want to take time off and see him but with my schedule and expectations from school and work, it's impossible. He's currently taking a break from school and resting. Spring break is not until two months. (Also, I know it sounds selfish but I haven't made that much money yet and it will be expensive for me to see him. I will have to focus on saving up). I'm worried I can't be the best girlfriend to him and I'm starting to doubt our relationship. Please don't get me wrong, I truly care for him but I've never experienced anything like this and I feel powerless. Any advice? I'm afraid of the regret I will feel not going to him, but also regretting going and leaving during a crucial time for me.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 February 2014):
 I'm sorry, but I have to echo YouWish, because that's exactly what I think as well. If he was in an accident and you didn't hear about it for three weeks, and it wasn't like he was unable to tell you... Well, it is blatantly obvious that he didn't want you to know. You had to drag it out of him. This shows you, in big words, that you are not considered a part of his life.
So do not worry about how you can be there for him. If he wanted you there, you'd have been included a long time ago. He deliberately didn't tell you because he didn't want you to know = he doesn't want you around.
Sorry, maybe he thought you were great fun and all, but he isn't serious about you and doesn't want you to be part of his life. You shouldn't worry about being the best girlfriend possible for him, when he doesn't care about being a good boyfriend to you. Why should you feel guilty for not affording the trip to go see him when he so openly informs you that he does NOT want you to come see him?
Look, if he wanted you there he'd have told you about the accident as soon as it happened, and he'd have contacted YOU about coming to see him. Sorry, but that's the harsh truth. I strongly advice that you no not spend another second worrying about him, because he deliberately kept you out of this. Do not string yourself along in the hopes that he will turn around... he ignored you for weeks and didn't tell you about something very important that happened in his life. The proper response to that isn't to cling on to him even harder, the proper response is to let him go. If he wants you around, he will come looking for you himself.
Unless, of course, the accident was so dramatic he didn't have the opportunity to inform you, as in him being in a coma. Or him being so traumatized he was not allowed to talk to anyone or call anyone. But if he was free to pick up the phone and call his friends/family etc, then he was able to call his so-called girlfriend.
A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (5 February 2014):
 I think you could send him a parcel full of funny things. Something like Twinkies, funny/romantic/erotic toys, something you made yourself (a lucky charm for instance), some pictures of you alone and of you together during a nice moment spent lately, one or two DVD of your favorite movies (something funny to support him, as he must feel a little depressed in his cart).
Suggestion of movies:
_ Shallow Hal
_ The Transporter
_ Groundhog Day
_ An Ideal Husband
_ The Fifth Element
_ An Affair to Remember
After this parcel, you can send him just some love letters nicely written (a treasure for his future) and why not sometimes ordering something to be delivered directely to him by Amazon ?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 February 2014):
 You have Skype, right? Phones, texting, video chat? He didn't talk to you for 3 weeks when he got hurt. I think your relationship has run its course if he didn't tell you he had had an accident for 3 weeks and you had to chase him down for the information. He would only get a pass if he had been in a coma for 3 weeks, which he wasn't.
Unless you have a deadline to become NOT LDR within the year, you're wasting your time and preferring to live in reality, instead choosing a neatly packaged fantasy where you can have idealistic feelings, yet not have to experience the true day-to-day of relationships.
Don't go visit him, and in my opinion, don't waste any more time. There isn't a future in this one.
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