A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been living with my boyfriend for 6 months now and known him for several years, he has a child with another woman who is now 6 years old. He rarely has contact with him one or two times a month, we have had him to stay twice in the time i have lived here. His ex is a messer, she says we can have the child then changes her mind, she says she is coming round, then doesn't, and doesn't even bother to call, or apologise. When she does stick to her word she turns up unorganised and rude, often late, and picks the child up hours late too. My partner continues to say nothing to her, and hasn't pressed for any kind of secure arrangement over access, never pulls her up about the way she messes us about etc. We made an arrangement over a month ago regarding christmas, and she has gone back on it 3 days before, again my partner has said nothing, simply agreeing to her changes, despite the fact it has completely spoilt our own plans. It is starting to really grind me down, my life seems to be run by his ex's demands, i understand he needs to do everything for the child, that isnt a problem, and wouldnt be as long as i knew whether i was coming or going with it. It is causing problems between us now, and i have tried to talk to him about being more firm with her but its got me nowhere. Is there anything else i can do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): Your bf feels his hands are tied and he's being passive to make life 'easier' for the child and himself and to avoid confrontation' with the ex wife. As hard as it is, he's basically trying to work with her for the child’s sake but she is working against him without considering the harm she is doing to this child. Backing out on promises to spend time with his father, and alienating the child away from Dad is wrong. And your bf must get stronger or seek some way, that as the legal father of this child, he will do all he can to ensure this child isn't continually volleyed back and forth and possibly getting hurt in the middle of this mess.
Plainly... your bf wants to be involved in his child's life but is simply feeling, she has him backed into a tough corner. And it sounds like she is exploiting the child to suit her own ends. The only way your bf, can fight back with her is to take legal action. His ex is seriously being emotionally abusive to treat her child in this cruel way. She has taken this situation where an innocent child's emotional well being is being disregarded due to her own vindictive feelings towards her ex husband.
As for you, all you can do is stay out of it, no matter how much in inconveniences your life before the actions of this ex wife destroys this relationship you have with this man. Emotionally, remove yourself from this situation, now. Tell him, this is his issue, hand him the number of a good solicitor and hope like hell he has the balls to call them for legal advice. He will have to get a binding, legal court order, forcing her to agree to a clearly spelled out, vistation order. This child needs his Father and his father has rights. This could be the only way.
Your bf and his ex-wife may need a mediator/ family services counselor to help them through these troubled waters. This issue involves him and her and the child is caught in the middle. I am very concerned for this kid, because if this ex wife isn't more caring towards the feelings of her child, this child will need counseling, too. But, what a mess. And no one is 'winning' here. This isn't a competition. Take yourselves out of the race, and have him get some legal counsel.
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