A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been involved in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years now. We are literally on the other side of the world from each other, but considering the crazy distance we were able to see each other every 3 to 4 months on average. Now he is a few hours away from getting on a plane to spend what will be the longest time we have ever been together in row and maybe even getting married (we are still considering the long-term logistics of this relationship because of our nationalities, immigration laws, families...). However he is having a case of cold feet, he even described himself as "feeling like a bride before the wedding".We both very emotional people (he is probably the more sensitive one and the more defensive person is me), with a lot of cultural differences, a 10 year age gap (he is the older one) and somewhat a communication/ language issue (he only speaks english and even though I am fluent, this is not my first language which causes a few misunderstandings). Our relationship has developed a strange dynamic: I get upset when he gets upset, then I can't help him because I'm upset too, then I get angry because he does not feel better and then he gets angry because I am angry. The whole thing can happen in the reverse order and the upset is most always generated by insecurity on both sides. So we've been telling each other that when we are able to be with each other physically for good, most of the insecurities will disappear because the distance will cease to exist. On a side note, when we're OK, not feeling down or upset, we both display a lot of love and affection towards each other, the big problem is to remember to display them when things are going downhill, it just seems like an impossible task.The problem is that we are now doubting if that will be true (the insecurity issue, that is). I was the first one to doubt that, so 2 weeks ago I broke up with him and he asked for another chance and booked a ticket to here as soon as he could. Now he is the one unsure. Last night he got insecure about the whole thing and I didn't know how to console him and ended up getting angry at his insecurity (and digging resentments from the past), which made everything worse. I have apologized, asked him to please come and promised to work on my emotions, but he is pretty shaken, I am afraid he won't get on the plane.I've read a lot of things about this pattern "one person gets upset, the other gets angry", but it's usually the guy the one that gets angry because he feels he is not making his wife/ girlfriend happy, but what happens when the roles are inverted? Because most advices to women is somewhat to let a guy be a guy: "just deal with your own emotions and needs", "find a girlfriend to confide", "don't complain"... that sort of thing. But what do you do when you are a woman in this situation? I'm obviously not allowed to be angry at his upset, because he doesn't feel loved if I do that, how do I work on not feeling not wanted/ rejected (and consequently angry) when he is upset or insecure at me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, riya_rulez  +, writes (14 February 2011):
i can somewhat relate to your problem.. i am in an LDR since 4 yrs.. there was a time when my bf had become way too emotional and insecure.. he cried at the drop of a hat.. kept calling me every second.. dint even let me go anywhere.. i was feeling very trapped and suffocated.. i had loved a man,not a child !
then i decided i have to say the truth on his face !!
i directly told him how pansy he has become.. n he no longer behaves like a man ! he was taken aback for quite sometime. i felt bad for being so brutally honest but i had to.. had i left the matter there then today i would had been telling people that im seeing a girl nt a guy !
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