A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid:I have a LD friend with whom I am very close to. We talk every day, and I was due to fly out to see him next month. However, there is one issue that, when I finally brought it up, caused such a rift that I fear the friendship is damaged beyond repair.He refuses to introduce me, or even mention me to his family, friends or co workers. I met one parent by accident, and we got on quite well, and as far as I know, nothing bad was said about me. Quite the opposite I believe.His reasoning is that I am not his girlfriend and therefore our friendship is no one's business.My contention is that since we are just friends, what is there to hide?I think he is ashamed of me because I am older, not pretty, and he is horrified at the thought of anyone possibly thinking we could be anything other than friends. He refuses to answer that question and instead, turns it around to make it look like I am purposefully sabotaging what to him was a perfect friendship.I don't feel comfortable being a ghost, but in all other things he is the best friend a person could have: Caring, attentive, generous, a pretty good listener (for a guy)and over all quite sweet.He has told me that I have two choices: Get over my issue or get out of his life. He seems to have already chosen the latter, and I don't know how to repair the friendship without having to apologize for something I don't think was wrong to try and address?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your detailed replies. You've both given me much food for thought.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): 'Get over your issue or get out of his life'?! He's obviously not that caring then! I don't think it's a big deal for him not to introduce you to his family - that is what people do when they are seeing someone romantically. I haven't gone out of my way to introduce my friends to my family either. However, I do mention them occasionally. How do you know that he hasn't mentioned you to his co-workers? He must have told you this, and I can't undersand why he would do that? I discuss my friends with my co-workers but men are different, they are not like us women and they don't sit and gossip about that weekend as much as we do! The one area I do think is weird though is not mentioning you to his other friends - surely if you are very good friends then you should be meeting up with his other friends in a big group when you fly out to see him? It all seems a little odd, but perhaps the majority of his friends are male and the friendship between the two of you is a different kind. Perhaps people nag him to settle down and if he starts talking about your friendship to his family and other male friends, they will put pressure on him and make a big deal of your friendship. Are you sure you only like him as a friend? You say he is horrified that people may assume you are more than just friends, I'm assuming they are your words not his (beacuse, if he said that to you, that's a bloody awful thing to say). All in all, he sounds very young mentally - very immature. Do you really want to be friends with someone who is ashamed of you? You say he is caring, sweet and attentive - but the way is acting ashamed of you certainly do not make him sound any of these things. I think it might be time to let this friendship go - we don't have to be friends with people forever, sometimes we outgrow them, and it sounds like this is the case here. Best of luck XX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): Well it isn't fair to you now is it?
He isn't the best friend a person can have as he would work to be hear you and do what he can to fix things so you both can be happy.
What the word compromise isn't in his vocabulary?
Why doesn't he get over his issues? Why does the sole responsibility lie with you?
A friend will be fair.
Say fine, since you cannot be a friend to me and validate my concerns and realize that I matter as a friend, I have no choice but to have you out of my life.
Or...
Tell him that you are tyring to deal with your issue and that you need three weeks or whatever amount of time, make it six weeks... to think over his ultimatium.
Then think it over. You don't need him in your life, you just want him in it but why? How is one caring and sensitive but then can give you that unfair choice? Does that make sense? Does it support what you stated about him?
Hmmm.
Can you and should you accept this friendship?
Best wishes.
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