A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey Guys..Im in a bit of a dilemma…I have written to you guys before about my insecurity problems…I am very insecure about myself, and get very jealous in relationships. This is the reason that I split with my last boyfriend, becuase he couldn’t cope with me. I am a very difficult girlfriend…one minute I am perfectly fine (especially if it is just the two of us) but then something has to trigger me and I start saying that I want to end the relationship because I cant cope with the jealousy. I have had counselling for my insecurity and although it helped a bit, it obviously hasn’t helped a lot.Anyway I have a new boyfriend now, I have been with him for about 6 months, we have had a brilliant summer together. However, I looked through his computer and found that he had been looking at photos of his ex girlfiend and various other girls that he has slept with in the past. I also found that his ex girlfriend( apparently she finished with him a year ago and he was devastated) emailed him and he sent her a very long email back .i read the email and I think it was just ‘friendly’ but it upset me. I explained to him that I was upset and he said I was being pathetic and that if she emailed him again then he would email her back because they are friends. Now he has started a new job and I asked him if any of the girls he works with are pretty and he said ‘ a couple are pretty yes’. This also upset me, but he said he was just being honest. Then he sent anoyher girl who he used to have casual sex with, a message saying ‘happy birthday gorgeous hope to see you very soon’. All of these things might seem small but they make me feel really down. On top of these there are little things like, he bought a poster of a naked woman to put on his wall, and he watches porn on the interenet. Am I being petty or do you think I need to find somebody who makes me feel a bit more secure???i do love him very much, but I don’t trust him. Then again I don’t hink I can ever trust anyone in which case can I have a relationship???(one more thing, I looked at his sent emails, and before he went out with me he messaged lots of girls constantly saying they were the most beautiful girl in the world and he wanted to see them etc…this makes me feel like im not special.)He says he loves me and doesn’t want anyone else but he is getting fed up of my jealousy.Help!!!!! X x x x x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): There is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. You don't have the problem, he does. I would have ended it as soon as he'd called me 'pathetic' after asking about his relationship with his ex girlfriend! The one thing you shouldn't have told him is that you had counselling in the past for your insecurities (if you have told him, that is). Once you do that, people then feel that they can put the blame for their behaviour onto you - and blame your insecurities. Perhaps you are not insecure after all. Not many women would have tolerated him sending a message to his ex calling her 'gorgeous' for a start! It sounds to me like you are very laid back, if anything! A naked poster on his wall?!! That's also a dumping offence! Why are you questioning the way you feel? You are perfectly within your rights to be offended at his behaviour! Jealousy is normally the result of us not feeling comfortable in a relationship. Many times this is caused by how the other person treats us. This is why you felt the need to look at his computer. It's very important to be with someone who treats us well, who thinks we are the sexiest person alive (or someone who at least says it!). Putting a picture of a naked girl on his wall (I mean come on, how old is he?!), is down right disrespectful. Personally, I would tell him that you don't like the way he is treating you and that you would rather he didn't contact you again until he has learned how to treat a lady. Then wait a week and watch him come a-running... Best of luck x
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