A
female
age
,
*ister1959
writes:My husband's ex-wife charges her adult children to do things for them. For instance, she takes one of the grandchildren to school each morning and they must pay her to do so. She also buys things for them and expects to be reimbursed. Her gifts for them are always "cheap". She moved out and left them when the kids were still teenagers and dad finished raising them so everything she does makes her a target for being an "unloving" mother.She has an administrative job so it's not like she is indigent. My husband thinks this is horrible but he is a bit extreme on the other side (I think it is an attempt to overcompensate for their mother's stinginess). I think he spends much too much on the kids and grandkids. Maybe it's pity, maybe it's a competition, who knows?I'm just wondering what everyone else thinks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2009): It certainly looks like he's putting his kids before you, which in itself is not that unusual, but the fact that he's putting you both into debt to do so doesn't bode well for your future.
Christmas aside, you really need to make the point that you're both getting into debt and in the current financial situation that is a really, really bad thing to do, and he'd better start making sure the two of you are finacially secure before he starts giving handouts to his kids and their families.
As my extended family grew, I made a decision a couple of years ago. The kids get a present from me at birthdays and Christmas while they are still at school. Once they reach the age of 16 or get a job, whichever comes first, they get no more presents from me. A greetings card yes. Money or gifts, no. In most cases they were earning more than me anyway, and I was finding it difficult to balance my own books without subsidising their incomes. They've accepted this, and now I have more disposable income to enjoy myself. Call it selfish if you like, but I'd rather call it self-preservation.
If your husband still can't grasp the seriousness of the situation, I think there are going to be some very rocky times ahead for you. I don't know if you have any income of your own, but if you have, I'd say to start salting some of it away somewhere for future emergencies - like if you decide to get a place of your own for example.
A
female
reader, Miss Potter  +, writes (14 January 2009):
 Get a separate account for paying for the bills and then another account for whats left over so that your bills are paid which is a priority and then you have your pocket money, and he can do whatever he pleases with his.
Try talking to him about this again though as this could potentially lead to serious debts.
If the kids don't agree with their mothers methods well then they can find someone else to do the job. I can kinda understand why she is doing it, I dont think its about money, its about kids realising that nothing is for free in this world and she is sacrificing her time to do them those favours. I dont know if I am right. Having said that, my mothers mum lives with us and she does everything around the house, takes the kids to school and cooks, she saves a huge amount of money on our food bills, my mum gives her a bit of money each month like a wage but it is at least 4-5 times less than what we would have been paying to someone else to do this job. Anyway, she ends up spending that money on the family anyway lol.
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A
female
reader, Sister1959 +, writes (14 January 2009):
Sister1959 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, this does infringe on my lifestyle. He just bought birthday presents for a grandson and I checked our bank balance this morning and we are overdrawn. This is right on the heels of a Christmas that he overspent for them.
He bought a stand mixer for his daughter-in-law back the first of December for a Christmas gift, ended up giving it to her early and bought another gift before Christmas. I got one nice gift that (not to be counting pennies...ha) cost less than the kid's gifts did.
We are also having trouble keeping up with our bills. I've tried to talk to him about this but he doesn't seem to want to listen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2009): Unless your husband's over-compensation and the amount of money or time spent infringes on your lifestyle, you're best to grin and bear it. You'll be the wicked stepmother if you interfere.
The way some families behave in their daily lives can be somewhat unconventional and you just have to accept that. Whilst you may see this set-up as unconventional they might think the way you would do things in the same way!
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A
female
reader, MT19 +, writes (14 January 2009):
Stay out of it. You are not responsible for you husband or his ex-wifes behaviour. All you can do is be the best person you can be. If you comment to your husband you think he overcompensates or to the ex-wife that she is stingy, or even to your husbands kids either of these opinions it will only spell trouble for you. Be there for your husband & his kids when they need you and leave the ex-wife to it. sooner or later her kids will see her true colours for themselves!
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