A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im concerned about how often/much my husband is drinking. He is a big guy so it takes a lot to get him drunk and even if he does get drunk he is ok, not nasty or silly or anything. But I think im worried if this will continue when we decide to have children.I see him drinking between 2 and 5 cans of beer per evening from 6pm until midnight. I know at least its not spirits and he is not often drunk. But he does like to get drunk once a week/fortnight - he seems to need this weekly fix. He doesnt like to do anything unless it involves alcohol or else he finds it boring - its like he needs a can of beer in his hand wherever we go - its getting me down as we are only married a year now. I must point out that I dont drink much. I dont believe he is an 'alcoholic' but alcohol dependant. He wont accept that he drinks too often so I dont know how we can make changes for the better. Does anyone have similar experience of an 'alcohol dependant' partner?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): Your husband is a "Functional Alcoholic", the proper medical term is "Alcohol Abuse - Non-Dependent" or "Alcoholism - Non-Dependent". This is a progressive disease, it is incurable, the only effective treatment is complete cessation from all alcohol consumption, and it is genetically passed on to children.
This quiz can help you and he understand why he drinks, the impact on him, and on others around him. The alcohol is affecting his brain function even if you don't see him as intoxicated, and doing so more than you realize. The disease may progress even in the absence of ongoing drinking, that is no clear yet.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
People relapse and remit from the disease, they "cycle" in other words, it is very hard to diagnose in the earlier stages, but your husband is clearly beyond the early stage, although not a late stage alcoholic yet from what you say.
My wife's father is an alcoholic, he was when we met and had been in inpatient treatment. My wife was the only family member, and still remains the only family member who accepts that he is. Everyone else denies it.
She herself drank, but only minimally, married at age 30, I never saw her drink more than 1 or 2 drinks total at any one time, around 10 years pass. One day I come home from work and there are 7 empty wine bottles outside the back door. We talk, she admits that her alcohol use was increasing (she was drinking way more than I ever saw and at that time admits now to as much as two bottles of wine a day on occasion), and she "watches it". 10 years after that, still I've never seen her take more than two drinks at any time, she is in AA, admits that when I saw the wine bottles that it might have been only a weeks worth at that time, that she had begun to drink and drive even with the kids in the car, drinking WHILE driving, and drinking when I was gone and hiding it with every thing she could think of, and making every excuse to herself about why she drank.
She has the disease, and it is a disease, make no mistake of that (I'm a medical person and I have no question in my mind about that despite many people who are alcoholics thinking that it is a moral failing and not a disease).
She accepts it, does not drink, and struggles with life sober now.
Her siblings all disagree with this, complete denial, yet over the last 20 years this has happened, they are; 1 - narcotic addict/alcoholic, 2 - narcotic addict/alcoholic, 1 - alcoholic, one nephew is alcoholic, one niece is alcoholic, the remainder of the kids are not of drinking age (not legally) and we don't know what will happen to them.
Get yourself to Al Anon, it will help you. It helped me keep my family together, although I only do online discussions.
http://www.ola-is.org/
See if your husband will talk to his doctor, attend AA meetings, and open up about why he drinks.
If you do not have kids yet, do not have kids until you deal with this issue. We didn't understand how important that was, and we had kids and the stress of kids and life made my wife's closet drinking start and spin out of control. You cannot trust an active alcoholic, they will do anything you can think of, because alcohol has fucked up their thinking processes.
You cannot fix him, only he can engage in the treatment, but you can learn from Al Anon members what it takes to survive yourself.
Trust me, I've been there, and my wife wasn't a drinker like a lot of people I've known, and we still went through hell because of it...even if I didn't know she was drinking and that was at the root of the issues.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 January 2012):
 Your husband is what we call a functional alcoholic.
I'm engaged to one. my best friend is married to one.
they drink excessively on a daily basis but they get up they function and work...
even without getting druk he's drinking to the level that he is an alcoholic.
You should contact Al-Anon for support. YOU cannot fix him. You can only take care of yourself.
Note that they think that alcoholisim can be genetic my fiances's father and grandfather were also alcoholics.
he can tell me they were but refuses to accept that he is.
I'm nt a big drinker either... so I know how you feel...
my fiance drinks beer/wine/scotch/sake/vodka (not all in the same day) and will gladly tell the doctor he drinks 5 large glasses of red wine a night... but he's "not an alcoholic" she called him on it... he opted to ignore her.
he gets up every morning and goes to work and works and earns a good living. He eats food and waits to drink till after work (and he works from HOME so he could be drinking all day) and he will admit when he gets drunk (happens 3-5 times a month).....
My best friend's hubby always has a can of beer in his hand ALWAYS from the minute he gets up. He just retired from his job (he is 64 now) but he manages a case of beer every few days....
what you drink is not what makes a person an alcoholic... drinking to excess daily makes a person an alcoholic.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (10 January 2012):
 Hi
alcohol dependant is just a polite word for acoholic hun, and if it is bothering you then you need to sit him down and discuss it with him. He may feel that with a drink he is more popular, or a more fun person to be around.Some people cant cope with who they are in life, and are more relaxed about themself when they have had a drink. If you badger him about it ,it will only make him feel like a fool, and may make him upset or even angry,because the truth hurts. you need to step carefully with this issue, make him feel like its his idea to cut back on his drink intake. I know you worry about his health BUT sadly it is his choice to do so, and it will be his choice to cut back or stop. at the moment you say he is not a changed man when he drinks, this is good. Have you thought about suggesting starting the gym together? if he starts working out, he may want to stop drinking to feel more healthy. Another thing you should remember is times have changed a lot over the past few years, and some if not many people have turned to drinking to cope with every day life, and allthough this is not the answer, its been a crutch for many people. Just let him know how much it worrys you, and how much you love him.
I hope this helps xx
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