A
female
age
41-50,
*issi
writes:My husband doesn't want sex with me anymore but I know he is getting off on his own it in the bathroom or watching porn. We have been married for 18 month and it started only a few months after we got married. We had sex only when I initiated and then it got to a point where all he wanted is quickies. I stopped pursuing and now we don't even have sex once a month. I asked him why, he said that he is not attracted to me because I have some pimples on my face and that reminds him of herpes and that is why. I got tested negative on all STD's a couple of times since we met and cheating is not even a topic. I have always had minor break outs and he didn't mind when we met. He made me feel so beautiful at first and now I feel ugly and unwanted, I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, girlwabrokeheart +, writes (30 June 2010):
I am so thankful you posted your letter, I have the same problem. My husband tells me i'm ugly everyday we have been married for 14 years and at first he was wonderful, I always had problems with pimples. I try everything and spend alot of money trying to clear my face up. He has sex with me but puts a pillow by my head so he cant see me. Also when I get attention from a male he says that I'm just a slut and they are looking because I'm easy, not pretty. My husband looks at porn that reminds him of women that he has crushes on. If i say anything about it he will get abusive and put me down real bad. I stay because he has the money and I'm getting through school also we have 2 4year olds. He doesn't help around the house but expects it spotless. If its not I ruin everything I touch, I'm disgusting and a bad mother. I am nothing that he wants in a girl and everyone is better than me. I just go about my day trying to keep my head up. I am sorry that another person is going through something similar and that I can relate to still loving that person and never feeling good enough that person. I hope everything works out for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): Hey Mrs Anonymous, I'm glad for your post, it made me realise I wasn't very clear with my response. I'm angry that he puts Sissi down, that made me loose my temper. I don't find anything wrong with a man looking at porn, I don't share your views. This is something guys do, and women (surprise, surprise) look at porn too. It's a form of stress relief, it's erotic, it's sexy and it's fun. There are men in porn, lots of men, they are handsome and strong and look good.
But most married men don't make their wives feel ugly, they complement them, they tell they are beautiful and make the feel loved. In my haste to reassure Sissi, I forgot to say that looking at porn is something most (not all) normal men do. However most men also want to have sex with their wives all the time, they chase them arround the house and want to have sex in all positions and at funny times of the day. Any man that avoids sex with his wife, denies her sexual pleasure is a jackass, in my humble opinion.
His criticism of her looks, his inability to have proper sex is the real problem, not his liking for a harmless activity like looking at pictures of men and women having sex.
Sorry Sissy, I should have been clearer to you. Your husband has issues, that's why porn for him is bad.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): Honey, your husband is the one with the problem not you. He has a living breathing loving REAL woman in the house and he chooses to go into the bathroom with celluloid images of surgically altered women? He is voyeuristic. Rather than engage in a satisfying intimate relationship with his wife he is engaging in a one-sided sexual relationship with a video and a magazine. Your "spots" are an excuse!
I think maybe someone is afraid of not satisfying you sexually, or maybe it is easier to pick on you to take the spot light off of his imperfections. I don't see a letter from a less than attractive wife, I see a letter from a woman who is dealing with an emotionally stunted porn-addicted husband who may need therapy to deal with issues of emotional detachment!
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A
female
reader, lena1 +, writes (17 August 2008):
 this is just childish!!!!don"t lose ur congidencebecause of his stupid comments!!we all get pimples!!and if u hadit before u marry him why he complain now ;;or he was blind then he just notice u do!!!!and i am sory to say ur husband is silly mana nd litlle boy,because grown man don"t act or say such things!and if he really love you he would not even care about that!!!
i just hope god help u with this man!!and if he is not happy with that don"t waste ur life with such a man!!i am sure u will find man that apreciate u and know how to talk with u!!!
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A
female
reader, sissi +, writes (13 August 2008):
sissi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for your help you made my day brighter
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): Hi Sissi, you present as aged 26-29 and currently living in the USA. Your husband is a pig, he married you, but all of a sudden he dosen't find you attractive and says words that hurt and steal your confidence. Don't worry about the spots, I got spots too, they make me feel bad about myself, but men that care about me never seem to notice. I'm not perfect, and neither is your husband, but it seems to me that having good feelings and kindness for someone helps little imperfections to go away. Your husband is judging you by some idealistic perfect standard and you fall short. But what about him, what man masterbates to porn when he has a real life wife waiting for him in bed. You are still young, you are in your prime, you can wait for 30years for him to change, or you can find 30years happiness with somebody else.
He has asked you to get married again,but he throws a tantrum because you wanted to share your happines with the world. Your husband sound very immature, he sounds like a small little boy. Continue your hygine routine, and go see a doctor and get a recommendation to see a determologist. Don't let him steal your confidence, he has the issues and phobia's here. You could dump him tomorrow and find a better guy, but the way he's treating you, his hangup's about the reality of life, point to the fact that he needs counselling because he's got big mental health issues.
You love him, you have good times. Ok then you probably should stay. But he needs to see a counsellor who will help him to grow up, and a second wedding is a reward if he gets well. In the meantime, you become a strong confident woman, happy and pleased with yourself and your imperfections. If he continues the porn and avoiding your bed, put him on a time limit and tell him if he can't do the job because he's frightened of real women, you will find a man outside your marriage that will do the job for him instead. Good luck, your man's got problems and he's dumping them on you and trying to make you feel bad.
Unfortunately, even I can see you value yourself, and his stupid tricks aren't working. If he dosen't wise up, he's gonna lose the best woman that he's ever met, because both you and I know you deserve better. Blessings, unless he changes and treats you better, I suggest you dump he's useless ass.... Good luck my dear, you are a very kind wife. :)
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A
female
reader, sissi +, writes (13 August 2008):
sissi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for you repy
well i thought about leaving but i thought to myselve i invested so much money time and love and now that he is finaly out of college he tells me the truth? well since i can not sove his problem i thought maybe i tell him to go to a professional and seek some help with his "phobia".
the funny story is that we did ask me o2 month ago to marry him angain since we just signed papers the first time we wanted to have a ceremony. so i tried to make plans right away since my family is from austria. he was kind of anoyed about me talking about it and since he told me the reason why we dont have sex i pulled back and now he wants to talk about the wedding. so i could have my dream of my wedding come true and hope he can fix his problems or blow it and hope i can find someone else.
the problem is that i love him and we do have good times
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