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female
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anonymous
writes: while i was taping an account name into my computor a list of previous names typed in on my computor came up, i had to double take because a porno/horny type name came up with my husbands name in it, i instantly kicked him out but he denyed knowing anything about it , so i went back did some investigating on my computer and found that he had set up an account on a singles looking for sex site, he was inviting girls to send him pics, and his profile said he was after sex, and an affair of sorts, plus all the pics of the girls on this site were pornographic.he has always known i am the type of girl sickened by porn and couldnt even date someone who blatently checked girls out, he knows any of it would kill be and i trusted him because he always loved he so much and seemed like he would do anything to make me happy .now i find this and i am so confused and i cant believe a word he says because after i found his account and gave him a last opportunity to fess up saying that i knew, and he still denyed it , till i read all the details out to him , then he said it was revenge but i checked dates and at that particular time all was really happy in our relationship , so now hes admitted it wasnt revenge , but says he dosent remember why he did it cos its all a blur , but he says he remeber the whole thing made him sick , he couldnt bring himself to look at the pictures and it didnt turn him on because all he wanted was me and he is confused as to why he did it!but he paid to upgrade his account , so i dont see how he can be telling the truth and he has no answers cos he cant remember , he says in his head he only sees swirling clouds cos he feel sick but he knows he didnt get off on it!i feel like booking a hypnotist or a lie detector just to get the truth out of him just so i know what i am getting over and how to move on , because i cant move on till i know the truth.i feel crushed , i cant breath, i cant do anything , hes ruined my whole world.please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2007): I am in the same boat. I discovered my husband had posted adds for sex on a website. When I confronted him he denied it. I had to print out the adds to show hiim. He did not know what to say. I asked him to leave. He came back a few hours later telling me it was only a game and that he never went through with anything. I find this so hard to believe. We are now going to therapy,but all I keep thinking is he still lying, and can I forgive without knowing the real truth. I feel that he is only going to tell me what he thinks I know. How can anyone regain trust when you don'y even know if the person is still lying to you. I have loved this man for more than half my life and I don't want to imagine my life without him. I also know that I can't live my life always wondering and with dout. How can I forgive him without know the truth? I still don't know what I am going to do. I feel so hurt and I wanted to blame myself, but I know it is not my fault I did nothing for him to do this. This does a number on your selfesteem. Not to mention what thought run through your head at night. I live day by day and somes days are really hard but I keep moving forward. I don't know if my marriage is over, I still have not let my husband come home yet. I miss him but I am not ready for that step. Good luck in what ever you decide to do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni just wanted to add to the female anon that answered this post who said the same thing happened to her , well i took a bit of your advice and i found that he has these singles accounts all over the web, it seems he prefers the non explicit ones, i dont know if thats worse!, yes he denyed everything he could till it was thrown in front of him.
but he says he stopped because he stopped being interested about last september and cos he was never really that interested he didnt fancy any of them or contact any of them (that he didnt contact any i know as i investigated) he says he dosent know why he did it , like maybe for the thrill or sommin , he said maybe he fancied them , then changed his mind because he said it didnt sound right , he said it wasnt all that , it was something about actually doing it.
but he says all that has gone now and i am the only one now, does anyone know how i should take this, seriously any help is good as i just cant seem to think straight
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou everyone for your replys,
anon you are right i could prob forgive a drunken one night stand , a mistake but this was sober and deliberate.
which just makes it harder.
i dont think he contacted anyone as there was nothing on his account to suggest he had done anything but this was nearly a year ago and maybe things get wiped off after time .
i am confused because he is the most loving giving man i had ever met and although he wasnt perfect he knew this would be the worst thing he could do to me and i always gave him everything he ever wanted, attention, love and he seemed perfect!
i forgot to mention we have young children and that he started doing this only a year and a half into the relationship, also i we are quite young , and the passion was very much alive, i dont know how many times he went on the site but it dosent seem like more than a couple, but like irish says i have strong boundaries and this is because i know what i cant deal with.
i showed him these replys and told him its obvious he lying to me and he has demanded a lie detector test, because he "knows " he wasnt interested or got off on it.
to be honest i think i might go with it (so trisha , i know!) but its my family and maybe , just maybe i might hear that he didnt look or like it (yeah i know ive gone through every possible reason , but with the lack of "revenge intent " or "being forced " it dosent look good .
he still living with me so its hard like irish said i keep throwing myself into his arms , he was always the one to comfort me now hes the one hurting me im just lost! so ive asked him to find some where else asap. but my head is still spinning between what wendyg said "hell prob not do it again , and if i can just put it in the past we could have all that happiness again all our dreams, and just being too hurt to let it go.
please dont stop giving replys maybe someone might have the magic answer i need.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): Dont let him convince you that he hasnt cheated. He has and he's not going to confess if thats what you think. I would leave him. I feel for you, I really do. I know what you're going thru. Leave him and dont look back. Have you ever heard of that saying "Once a cheat, always a cheat" He's going to do this again no matter how sorry he says he is. It wasnt like oops I made a mistake and kissed a girl at work once, this is something that he did over and over and over again without telling you! This is major. I hope you find it in your heart to leave him for good. Keep us posted to see how you're doing. Take Care and God Bless!
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female
reader, ShortandSweet? +, writes (24 May 2006):
 you don't need any more advice. I am very sorry for your troubles but...dump him, big time. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006): I give you credit, you have boundries in your love relationships and you are not afraid to set them. But with boundries, there comes risks of loss. Your hubby knew this when he made the choice to look for sexual tittilation, online. So why the confusion, dear? The evidence is plainly there, for your eyes to see. From my perspective, you really aren't losing a whole lot. Your husband is a cheater and a bald-faced liar. You don't need hypnotists, you don't need lie detectors...he was on sex dating sites looking for flings, illicit affairs, etc. Discern his behaviours-his actions. Do not believe what he tells you-he doesn't deserve that type of honor and respect. Why would you want him in the middle of your life when you know he's a cheating bum? His bad behaviours are all indicators of poor character. I think your confusion stems from denying what is 'really the truth' and you have become emotionally blind. You shouldn’t have a husband that disrespects the covenant of marriage to you. Don't allow him to compromise your integrity and self-respect.
You will never trust him again and living with him will further damage your soul and the essence of who you are. You will always wonder and you can't live that way. Walk away and don't look back. Marriages that end should be mourned and I am sorry. Give it time. Because you love him, you will find a strong desire to want to call and communicate, but over time, this will diminish. After you recover from this pain and extricate him from your life, you will carry on. I know you will, because you sound strong. I respect that. You will find another beloved, someday who will truely respect and cherish you, for who you are. I know this because you have been a good, loving wife, you seem to know what you want and you have pride. There are many men out there looking for a woman, just like you. But before you get into any new relationships, do the work and get this man out of your life. Take care, dear. .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006): Perhaps he is sick, unwell, depressed. If he is, he needs to get help. he needs to see a counsellor and find out why he needed to do these things. You may still not be able to overcome this terrible discovery, but you do need to find out why he has taken this course and caused so much unhappiness. Just be thankful he wasn't actually having sex with these women. He hasn't actually done anything about them yet has he? Some men are just stupid and take a bit of power where they can, perhaps he felt powerful on these sites. Only you can decide whether your marriage can survive this but, some women have to hear that their husbands have wined and dined and fallen in love with other women and that they want to break up their marriages and abandon their families. The sex was better, they are better loved and their future lies with someone else..Your husband has been an ass.Your husband is a decietful immoral man who lies to those who love him. He has a problem, you either work it out or walk away
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006): oh my gosh! this same thing happened to me! i just recently found that my husband has been putting his ad out to meet up women for sex! and this was just the day before mothers day! i want to leave him so bad! as for now i dont talk to him much unless i have to. and of course he lied about the all of it, said he never met up with any of these women, etc. but i know he's lying. afterwards, i was literally glued to the internet trying to find more single, sex, matches websites to see if he had posted himself in other websites and so far, i found that he was a member of another singles site looking for sex. so he's posted on two seperate websites! i hate him for doing this to me. he cancelled his membership with the first site that i caught him on, but i found that he was still a member on the other one. i didnt tell him of course, that i found his profile on another site because i want to see how far he has gone, or will go. but so far i know that his attentions are to still meet up with women and that he really doesnt care. if anything he was sorry that he got caught and not sorry that he did this to me. this is so discusting! he disgusts me! he thinks im stupid and that i dont know that he might might be doing the same thing on other websites! he must think im really dumb! his day will come though, i believe that what goes around, comes around someday! how i found out, well i was having this gut feeling that he may have been cheating on me, and so i was doing some searching on the web on how to catch a cheating husband, and i came across this website thats called, www.womansavers.com and they give helpful and very smart advice on how to catch a cheating husband. i know exactly how you feel. my husband says he loves me and that im the only one for him, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!!!! and how sorry he is! i dont believe a thing, i dont think he really cares! my advice to you is to go get tested (as i have) a.s.a.p! you just never know what kind of woman he may have been with. they're sex sites! these kind of people dont care who they are sleeping with and it doesnt look like they care about std's! if you want to see if he's truly sorry, put a profile of yourself on this singles site disguised as another person and email him to see if he'll take the bait! just put a fake name when setting a email account so that he wont know its you. or just do what im doing see if he put himself on any other singles websites. i hope this helps.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006): "I didnt do it, I can't remember", er, er. If you believe any of this then he must be laughing. You deserve MUCH better....my advice would be to leave him , as he clearly wanted sex with other women behind your back. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006): I hope you can see through his explanations.. "dosent remember why he did it cos its all a blur"... (blur??!!)"the whole thing made him sick"... (Did it, really??)"couldnt bring himself to look at the pictures and it didnt turn him on because all he wanted was me and he is confused as to why he did it"... !!! "in his head he only sees swirling clouds cos he feel sick but he knows he didnt get off on it" !!!!!!!! - Come on!!! Do you really believe this crap he is giving you????? He is a jerk. Not only did he lie to you about his real self, he also disrespected you, took advantage of you and cheated you from right under your nose!!! Please don't waste anymore of your time or your money to get him to accept what he's done. Please get rid of him. You definitely deserve better. MUCH BETTER!
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (24 May 2006):
 Hey, He got caught! Of course he doesnt remember!!! Okay lets see, He has done this regardless of what he says to you, he has joined a site and put himself out there as a single man so to speak advertising for sex. NO matter how much he says he didnt etc etc he is lying. Now what to do. You have a couple of options, a, ignore it and hope you can move on from this and never mention it again. b, kick him out for being so deceitful and never look back. c, Talk to him, tell him how you feel, tell him you dont feel you can trust him and he needs to earn your respect again, before you can both even consider being happy, and that he is really going to have to prove to you he is sorry for what he has done.
Now all assuming you want to give it another go, Im sensing you will, you will need to consider this, has he actually met up with someone from this site or any other site ? If you know he hasnt then hes probly not likely to now. But if he has then its totally different, and you would need to decide whether you could live with that. Regardless of which it is this is going to require a lot of hard work to get back on track. Another angle is that he did it out of boredom and thought he would see what was out there, I know that to see pics of hot girls you need to upgrade your accounts on these types of sites, perhaps he felt that whilst he knows you dont like porn, this was a better way of getting pics to look at of real woman that were through a slightly different channel rather than hard porn, and did it this way so that it didnt show up, i dont know, im not condonning what he has done, he is wrong for doing so and you have to decide whether you can move on from this, and give it another go or let him go and have his little sordid flings on the internet! YOu may never know the whole truth behind what he has done, but many men are cowards when it comes to things like this, and when it came to it, if he hasnt already done so,(highly much doubt) i doubt that he would have met up with anyone, it was more a buzz for him while no one else was around and he was safe stuck behind a pc looking, feeling that he was the big man. But now he knows you know about it, i doubt he will be going back on, if you can learn to trust him again its going to be hard, but you gotta tell him straight that anything like this in the remotest form happens again and hes straight out on his ear. I think you need a couple days to think about what YOU want, i know you love your husband and hes crushed your world, but can he be the same in your eyes again ? It will take hard work and it can be done, but equally so can walking away be. I sincerely hope you make the right decision for you and that your world turns around real soon!
Take care x
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (24 May 2006):
 I understand that you must be feeling really hurt and betrayed at the moment, but you also have to thank your blessings as you found out by yourself - if he is still in denial about the whole thing then he probably would never have confessed this to you had he not been caught. At the end of the day, he has disrespected you, and you sound like a strong person so no matter how bad you may feel at the moment remember this is not your fault and you are better than him. He hasn't 'ruined your whole world' because if that world was based on a lie (i.e. that he was a decent, faithful man) you are a better person for knowing that is not true. In some ways he has done you a great favour because now you know what he is like however shocking that is, and saved you the risk of STD's and all that horrible stuff. You have your evidence so don't waste money on hypnotism etc as it just gives him more of your attention and he doesnt deserve your time.
He was probably using those websites for attention seeking purposes, but that is his issue that he must address when he is willing to accept responsibility for his actions. Time for you to move on and not give him the satisfaction of hurting you anymore. I hope you feel better soon.
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