A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I've been in a marriage 25 yrs I found out that for 15 years of the marriage he has been sleeping with men, mainly older men but told me he stopped Doing it 5 years ago but I dont know whether To belive him we are now separated but I'm having Trouble figuring out how he could do this to me any advice would be appreciated thanks :( also can u love someone and do that to them? Help
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 OUTCH! that's got to hurt like crazy, I don't think he "turned" gay. I've been informed you're born that way. So, don't try to internalize or take on any blame. Might want to think about getting tested for HIV though. good luck, that's a sad one.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Well the thing here is a lot of men realise that they are attracted to men but they dont want to admit it because they feel that there family and friends will think of them differently and therefore they try to hide there feelings and marry a woman and do what they feel is the right thing to do. Its not something that you have done and it doesnt mean that he doesnt love you he is just confused about his sexuality and he was living a lie. Am sure that it is very hard for you to accept and deal with off course it would have been a major shock to you.
But now you need to concentrate on your own life and how you are going to overcome this shock. The best thing to do is to stay seperated as he is living a lie and things would never be the same. If you are strong enough to support him as a friend then do that, as am sure he just wants to be himself and is sick of hiding his secret. Are there any gay/bisexual groups in your area that you could attend as am sure its somewere that you could go to and talk to people about it, it could help you understand more.
Goodluck in the future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Lots of possibles here. First off, IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Keep that in mind.
Lots of men, faced with their wife leaving them for another woman, have to go out and prove themselves with a younger woman or some other way, truth is it has nothing to do with them.
Your husband may have been sexually or emotionally abused by men, women, or both, and this may be due to this, it may be due to a host of other issues. However, give him your blessing, treat him well, if you have children then let them know to not treat him badly.
Honestly, he may (probably won't) never tell you the entire story, no matter how well you handle all this.
Yes, you can love someone and do this to them.
Whatever you do, don't go back to marriage with him unless you are OK with this and the risks it imposes to you from STD's, if he's been doing this that long then he's committed to this and he's simply not heterosexual and he will almost certainly go back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): The truth is people don't just "turn gay." It's just part of who he is. It's really not that uncommon with homosexual men or women for that matter. They get married to someone of the opposite sex because they think that's what they are supposed to do and because of the way they were raised and because of society, they go through life living a lie. Many hope that it's just a phase and they will grow out of it or they can resist being who they are. He obviously loves you or he wouldn't have stopped, but to be honest it's not really a healthy relationship for either of you. If he is actually bisexual and you can live with him having a relationship with another man then it could work. You need to sit down and have a talk with him and you both need to get counseling. He's probably very confused about his sexuality. He needs to find out if he is actually bisexual or if he is homosexual. 25 years is a long time to spend with someone, but both of you need to be true to yourselves and figure out what you need in your lives. If he is truly gay, neither of you will ever be really happy in this relationship. Just remember this isn't your fault. It's nothing you did or didn't do and it's not a reflection on your abilities as a wife or a woman. It's just who he is.
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