A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of over 20 years became very distant and i asked him what was wrong. He woulnt answer and i provoked him to tell me tat he wasn't sure that he wanted to be with me anymore. He said that something died. The truth came out some weeks later he was having communications with his x girlfriend from way back then. I wouldn't agree to a temporary break and he decided to stay. We agreed to try to work on our marriage and things were going really well. Except that he refused to talk over any problems. Basically i guess i was pampering him and running after him feeling guilty and desparate.You see a few years ago we seemed to get into a lull where everything was habit, we didn't seem to care how the other felt anymore and things just seem to move along. I understand that he may have fallen out of love then but he didn't try to discuss this and neither did i. Anyway, Unknown to me he continued the daily contact until i found out 3 months later ( Phone bill ) I confronted him and all hell let loose again. I got the blame for snooping and this was not right etc etc. Once again he threatened to move out and i begged him to stay. He did. Again things were better but he could never really commit to telling me what he felt for me. This started to eat me up from the inside. i really wanted to be loved and was now comparing myself to the other woman. I then found some old letters he had been hiding which were very old. I confronted him again and asked why he needed to keep these. Why he had no respect for us and why would he stay with me when he was obviously still besotted by another. He was so angry that i had snooped again and said he couldn't trust me!!! Amazing really when i was being cheated on. I do love im and seem to be prepared to accept any behaviour to keep him from splitting our small family. A few weeks ago he told me during another heated discussion that he would no longer keep in touch with her. He seems so miserable.He likes to cuddle me more now than before and our sex life is good but i don't feel any deep intimacy, almost like there is a barrier. I know this may be my fault, i want more confirmation that he only wants me when deep down i know this is not the case. I am deeply unhappy and scared that he will up and leave. What can i do now to save this marriage, what can i do to help him see that staying is not so bad. I do look after myself and haven't let myself go, so this is not an issue.I have gone to counceling but don't really know how this can help when he is not interested to join me there.Please give me some advice i dearly need this. I have no close friends to help me.
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female
reader, lovesick2  +, writes (13 January 2009):
I am not someone you would want to get advice from because I am The "other women" in a relationship.My lover and I had a affair for about 6 months, both of our spouse were told.I am on the website for therapy because i do not have anyone to talk to either.
I have being feeling like you described your husband. I am miserable.My husband has been the one that has been supporting me while I cry over my lover.I have been cuddling my husband more and this confuses him also.My lover is trying to decide who he will be with and his wife wants to save the marriage. I know that my husband would do anything to save our marriage but I am confused.
I think that you need to ask your husband if he is in love with the other woman. Make him answer you and demand the truth.You may need to wait about a month or so and see if he still seems miserable, depending on how long he was having the affair.If things are recent he is confused and with a little time he may realize that the other woman may have just been filling a void that was missing from your marriage and he can live with out her.Then he may be willing to communicate more with you about why he had the affair.However, if he continues to be miserable, refuses to go to counseling with you and admits to being in love with her, then let him go. It takes two to make the marriage work.you can't make it work by yourself no matter how hard you try.
I am sorry that you are hurting,I know that may not mean much coming from a mistress, but I am also hurting.
Try to stay strong
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): Have a look on line for a book called "Love Must Be Tough". It was recommended by my parson and it really helped me through something similar, step by step. It teaches you how to get back some control and how to make the other person see that they too have to work to save your relationship. You can't make him stay by begging, it has the opposite effect. Try the book you wont regret it.
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