A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for around 2 months now; my husband wants me to add his last name to my last name (i.e. Smith Jones). I had always intended to keep my last name as it is (i.e. just Smith) and I had assumed he wouldn't have any issues with it - obviously if we have kids, they would take his last name. He was really mad because he has asked me this a few times already, and each time I say no because I feel like I'm losing some of my identity by changing my last name. Also, deep down, I don't want to do it so if I do end up forcing myself to go through with it, I know I will feel resentful. I already moved to his city, so I don't think it's fair if it's always me who has to compromise. He said if we have different last names, it's like we're just living together and that we're not married (even though we went through the whole marriage ceremony). He doesn't want people to think we're just living together. He also says if I don't change my last name, it's because I have change in my mind (i.e. can easily get divorced, remarried, and no one would know). We obviously have very different views on this and I feel that we both don't understand each other's opinion. He said if he were female, he would change his last name. I really love him and don't intend on changing. It bothers me a bit that he needs me to change my last name in order for him to feel more secure that I won't leave. Technically even if someone changes their last name, there's nothing stopping them from leaving. Any suggestions on how to address/resolve this situation? Thanks in advance.
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2008): Its a symbol / tradition of marriage. I am surprised you didn't discuss this before?! Anyway I know what you mean - I gave up my last name and took my husbands last name upon marrying him and felt like I lost a bit of 'me'. If you feel strongly but want to keep the peace have a double last name? Ultimately it doesn't make you less in love (or shouldn't) I think its a kind of possession thing with men - as if you 'belong' and its a the tradition of a woman passing from one family to another (father handing over the bride). Very old fashioned but pretty common! One of you is going to have to compromise. Perhaps write down a list of why its important to keep the last name and read it back - see whether these reasons are short term or long term?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2008): It's the accepted 'norm' for a woman to take her husband's surname upon marriage, but that doesn't mean you have to!
Presumably you discussed this issue before you were married? If so, and if you made your intentions clear to him, I don't think he has a leg to stand on. If I were in your position the only concession I would make is to call myself Mrs Smith rather than Miss Smith.
The bottom line is that you can call yourself whatever you want. I think I'd suggest he change his name to yours if he wants both names to be the same and a double-barrelled one is unacceptable to you.
My gut feeling is that you'll have to agree to disagree on this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (15 November 2008):
Ah the name change debate.
I have no idea what it is about men and having their wife take their last name.... but it is as important as wearing a ring.
I and girl I know came up with a compromise when we married since we had already established ourselves in our professional fields and people knew our names.
So I took my husband's name for purposes of bank account / passport / pay cheques etc.... but I have kept my name at work. My cards and everything else have my maiden name.
Could you do that?
Or would you consider a double barreled name? Smith-Jones.... or Jones-Smith?
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2008): I got an ideal, how about he changes his last name to Smith? That way, you both win.
...............................
|
