A
female
age
41-50,
*rokenharted
writes:My husband said he didn't love me anymore about 2 1/2 months ago. Then I kicked him out because I was fed up with his crap. I did not think he would stay gone this long and I have tried along with our 11 year old son to get him to go to counseling or come home and work things out but he refuses. He blames me for everything and I have taken the blame for the things I did or the pain and anger I have caused him. I cannot take back the past. I can only work towards a better future together. He won't talk to me or come over to the house to take care of anything if I am there. He cannot even be in the same room with me at his mother's house; that is where he is staying. His parents say that they don't understand why he won't try to work it out. They say he is not the person they knew. Even my family is utterly confused. In the beginning he was coming home to see our son but he could not handle that. So I offered for our son to go to his mother's home on his days off so they could spend time together but then he made plans with friends and ditched our son. After that our son wanted nothing to do with him. My son and I are both going to counselors for all this. Our son had a conversation with his dad recently and he told his dad that he wanted him to come home and he felt that we should go to counseling together, but his dad told him he did not think it would work and he did not want to try. My son was crushed. My husband cannot face my family or me. He has become very irresponsible and unreliable, not just with things around the house we just purchased a year and half ago but with our son. He is drinking a lot and hanging out with people who are 10 years or so younger than he is and is behavior is not something I want my son around. He is a Police Officer, and he thinks he has people wrapped around his fingers. I have asked him several times if he wanted a divorce and he keeps saying I don't know or I am thinking about it. He says I might go talk to a lawyer, but he never follows through. Recently he told me there was no hope and it was over, but he has not seen a lawyer. I want to know if I should let our son see him or not, and do you think there is a chance we could get back together? I want to but I am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing.
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female
reader, Brokenharted +, writes (4 July 2008):
Brokenharted is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your excellent advice. I greatly appreciate it. I am going to see a lawyer, but I am unsure if I am ready to file for a divorce or a legal separation. I think that is what he wants me to do so he does not have to make the hard decisions himself. Plus I am still holding on somewhere deep inside, and I am still hurting and I am angry. Yet I still love him and care. I really hate to see our entire relationship and our family go down the tubes for some stupid reasons. I still don't know how to move on with my life without holding on to all the memories and future plans we had. It is a day to day struggle, and its hard sometimes to see my life as a life without him in it, on a permanent basis. Anyway thank you, thank you. You are helping me with all the advice you're giving me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): I agree with Gabberjackranch - stop leaving the ball in his court, scoop it up and take your ball home. If he is leaving you in limbo then take control of the situation yourself and see a lawyer, even if it is just to find out what legal rights you and your son have, and whether (from a legal point of view) you would be better off and more secure by filing for a legal separation if not actually filing for divorce.
If nothing else, the fact of you actually taking the bull by the horns may either shock him into getting his act together and coming home and trying to work things out or he'll just carry on the way he is and then you will know finally where you stand and will be able to slowly but surely start to move forward and begin the long healing process for yourself and your very mature son.
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A
female
reader, Brokenharted +, writes (1 July 2008):
Brokenharted is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate your responses. I believe he is playing games with my son and I. Yet that is the worst part. No adult should play mind games with a child; especially their own. Having complete strangers to my situation give me advice sometimes feels better than the advice I get from family. There are days when I feel that his leaving opened the door for a new life for myself and my son, but then there are days when I feel lost and alone and scared and unsure of myself and my abilities. Sometimes I just get down about what was to be for our family and I get angry because I think how could he do this to us and why. Every morning I get up and wonder what happened; one day everything was fine and next a bomb went off and I am left to clean up the pieces. It is just not fair. Where are the men who face life head on and deal instead of running away from their problems. That's the man I want. Anyway thanks for your advice, it was greatly appreciated.
Brokenharted
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): Sometimes when people fall out of love, they become very irritable and annoyed around that person, and they can't help feeling that way. They almost can't stand you. And I don't know why this happens, it's absolutely no reflection of who you are, its just like a biological response. Everybody has felt this way at some point in their life, even you. But that's what it sounds like has happened to him.
He just cannot see you right now, he physically can't. It's too irritable to him. And I think that your son is, unfortunatley, suffering for it. I don't think its that he doesn't love your son. I think that he is just going through this period of needing to be away from you, for reasons even beyond his control, and unfortunately that includes being away from everything that has to do with you.
I think your husband will definitely come around, especially regarding your son. But right now you need to understand that he needs time alone, and right now you need to be the one to take care of your son and somehow make him understand that soon enough everything is going to be ok. Try not to bring up your own resentment about your husband to your son. You need to be the strong one right now, even though you have to do it standing alone (at least without him).
As for your husband coming back to you...I don't know. But I do know that the best thing you can do, is take good care of yourself and start being and looking sassy. And above all, try to figure out what went wrong. He didn't just leave for no reason. And if you do want him back or even want to have a successful relationship in the future, think about your own flaws and faults in this relationship. And try to work on them. And, above all, just hang in there and be strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): Why are you waiting on Him to make up YOUR mind. Do you want him in yours and your sons life? Who cares what he wants at this point...he is just playing games "I may go to the lawyers." What Ever!! You are worth more than that. If you have truly appologized for the things of your past, and are trying to fix them, and he is still wishy washy, Sister, It's time for YOU to go to the lawyers, if not for your sake, but your sons. Please know that I will be praying for you and your family. From the depths of my soul, I beleive that you should fight for your marriage, and the vows you made before God Almighty, but You shouldn't have to take this emotional abuse. God Bless!
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