A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband recently confessed to me that on occasions while out of town working he has looked at internet porn in order to masturbate. He travels for work about a week at a time once every 1 to 3 months. He says he looks at it only for ten minutes or so just until he sexually releases himself. He says he uses it as a tool to release the sexual pressure. He feels bad about it and that it is wrong for him to do because it is disrespecting to our relationship. He feels guilty. He says he used to look at porn as an adolescent and it became more of a habit for years waxing and waning depending on whether or not he was in a relationship. He says he does not want to do this anymore and wants my help to stop next time he is out of town. I have no idea how to help him. In the past I have taken dirty pictures of myself and emailed them to him while he was away. I have offered phone sex. At the time I had no idea he was using porn. It saddens me to realize my pathetic dirty pictures were not good enough.....In our relationship I want much more sex than he does. The sex is great but there are some things (cunnilingus)that he is not willing to do for me. I have accepted that. It has always been that way. Right now I am angry more at the deception than the porn use. I feel foolish for thinking I was enough and for feeling so safe and secure in our relationship. I told him he can use porn if he wants just don't lie about it. I will adjust. He is the one who wants to stop. I am upset because I have built my whole concept of safety and confidence around a belief that my husband did not want or need porn. So my questions are: Can I believe he is being truthful that his porn use is as little as it is? How do I help him stop while he is away? Can a man truly stop even if it is he who wants to stop?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007): I think you both have more to discover about each other sexually and this could provide the springboard for doing that - exciting times - be creative! Have a positive open discussion with him and say that you understand his needs whilst away and that you are pleased he is able to share what he does with you - telling you must have told you something? It is a common reaction from us girls that we take it personally that we are not somehow good enough they are looking at that. What is important is your relationship - no real person is actually invading it so that is very positive. Recently I dressed up as a secretary and my boyfriend put on a smart suit and tie - we booked a hotel room in advance and wound each other up for days about how it would be. We had a great time - role playing in a way that allowed us to feel different. Trust me - watching porn is just one dimensional and, in itself, is not a threat to a powerful, passionate and loving relationship. I think you have the opportunity for that.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (19 July 2007):
 If the worst he is doing on those trips is watching porn, and not using up his sexual energy with an actual person in the room, I think he is still a better husband than the number out there that actually CHEAT on business trips. The fact that he feels guilty about it I think adds to this case that you still have a good man with you.
He gets aroused by watching, so I would suggest that a trip to a local swingers club together so he can watch live people in action, and then use his energies on you would be the spark to get your kindle back.
It is not just looking at nakedness that is part of the arousal for men...it is the VARIETY of nakedness. That is the way we are hotwired, and trying to rationalize it away, and then feeling bad about yourself for it, is just not going to help your situation at all.
-Frank B Kermit
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