A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Not sure what to do. Been married for 12 years (2nd marriage for both of us)My husband has generally given me the silent treatment when we have argued however lately he stonewalls me without arguing. every week we drive over to the next town to see family but its never set in stone just depends on how we feel and the weather as my husband works graves he wakes up late. He woke up later than usual he asked if I wanted to go or stay I said that it didnt matter either way was fine with me its our day off not a big deal. Then out of the blue my lack of decisiveness gave him an axiety attack and he wouldnt talk to me and hasnt talked to me..I thought at first he was irritated with my indecision so I gave him time to cool down then went and apologized for any miscommuncation he just glared at me and said nothing to me at dinner he ate then said thank you for cooking and nothing else. I felt bad if I caused him to have an anxiety attack but later he was taling with one of his friends on the phone laughing it up..so it wasnt that bad. He does this silent treatment when I talk too much about my work as it bores him (or he will joke oh 'something happened to someone who is dead'..and if we dont have sex then I get the silent treatment and he gets nasty...I think he is just with me because he doesnt want to start over- we own a house. I dont know how to approach him when I have tried to discuss how I feel about the silent treatment he gives me the pat response "well Im sorry you feel that way" and thats that... its horribly frustrating. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2018): You told him how you feel about the silent treatment? Therefore you have confirmed to his face that it is effective.
Passive-aggressive behavior is meant to cause psychological distress or to pluck a sore nerve; without actually being direct, or detectable.
There is but one way to deal with passive-aggressive behavior; and it is much like you treat a child throwing a tantrum. You ignore it. You put on an academy award-winning performance that you simply can't be bothered. Surrender to the peace and quiet. It's better than an argument.
He wants silence, give it to him full-throttle. Find something to keep you distracted and calm. Fill the dead-air with constructive activity. Lovely music! Or just do your chores as usual.
You don't feed on his negative-energy; and you don't allow the silence to scream inside your head. You inadvertently empowered him, when you told him how much it bothers you.
So now you assert your own power by simply ignoring him; and acting as if everything is fine. No facial expressions, no reaction. Just be normal.
He's not being verbally-abusive; but he's shutting-down communication. He's pouting like a child. He's edging you towards considering a divorce. You can do bad all by yourself.
Clean house, catch-up on your favorite shows. Read, or get a noisy hobby. If he's quiet at the dinner table; just eat and play some soft pleasant music in the background. Maybe light some candles, and relax. Don't let him unsettle your digestion.
He probably faked the anxiety-attack. In simpler terms it's called a hissy-fit. You're being manipulated.
Don't be so easy and needy of his validation. If you've raised kids, especially moody-teenagers; you've got practice with this sort of behavior.
Calm your frustration, wet your face with cool water. Take-up knitting, or get into arts and crafts. Take a drive, or get a pet to keep you company. You need a sense of independence and distraction; so the withdrawal of his attention isn't such an effective weapon against your feelings.
Be decisive and quit with telling him in so many words: "whatever!" It's not only indecisive, it's dismissive.
It's also a passive-aggressive way of implying it's boring and predictable. Then suggest something better. Don't just submit.
You're an enabler when you feed into his passive-aggression and you give it fuel when you let yourself get rattled by it. Counter it with maturity, grace, and dignity. Suggest that he see his doctor about his so-called anxiety-attacks.
Worse comes to worse. See a lawyer.
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