A
female
age
41-50,
*early Beloved
writes:I've know my husband all my life. We reconnected about three years ago and have been married for six months. We've had problems in the past about his ex. They were together for seven years but they don't have any children and they weren't married. Well when we first started dating, she was calling him constantly. He lied and said it was a family friend with the exact same name. After months of lieing, i busted him last summer and he finally came clean. He told her to stop calling and even blocked her number. Things have been ok for a while. His name is the password for a lot of my systems i use at work. Yesterday while i was logging into programs at work, I mistakenly put his name in the search engine. On the very first page, an old shedule for his job appeared. Guess who's name was also listed on the schedule...that's right, his ex. He never told me that they worked together. At first, he lied and said one of his coworkers had the same name as his ex. Of course I didn't believe it. Then he told me that she got fired. When I told him I found another schedule showing they worked together over the weekend. He finally told the "truth." he said he didn't want to hurt me or loose me, but it never seemed like the right time to tell me. I really don't believe he cheated on me. But I'm so hurt by his lying. He makes decent money at his job. I know he won't find something similar for the amount of money he's making. But I'm fed up with his lies. What should I do?
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at work, cheated on me, co-worker, his ex, money Reply to this Question
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (29 August 2012):
There are white lies intended to defuse and dismiss an unwanted line of questions and then there are blatant cheating covering up lies. You have to decide which they are. Not telling the whole truth is not exactly lying although it may feel like it to you. In your case it sounds more like whiite lies but only you can really judge that. I had a similar situation with an ex, still do actually! I think it is quite normal to keep some contact with exes, especially with many years history, although partners dont always agree. Ultimately it comes down to trust. I certainly dont have any attractions to any exes although I occasionally share emails or a drink.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 August 2012):
 I worry that he felt like lying, when in fact it is the LYING that is the problem here, not the ex. He started lying about her for a reason. When he said he didn't want to hurt you, that tells me there was something going on. If they were just co-workers then why lie about it? Why would you have been hurt by knowing that? Why does he lie?
People lie to cover things up, things they don't want you to know about. I have a nagging feeling that he's been more involved with her than he's leading on. Maybe she was calling so often because he hadn't finished things off with her, and has kept her on the side?
I mean really, why would he lie about it? There's no need to lie about the fact that you work with an ex. Maybe ask to see his phone messages, or facebook messages. He's lied after all, he's abused your trust on several occasions. He can't say that you should just trust him blindly, now that he's confessed to lying for several years.
Get to the bottom of this, and then think about whether this relationship is worth it or not. When the trust is gone the relationship is usually over.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 August 2012):
 I see a couple of red flags here.
1. first off he assumes you are stupid. I mean first it's a family friend with the SAME name, then a random coworker. I would honestly be insulted by that.
2. He lies, and then lies some more to cover it up. Now that is what a 5 year old would do, not what a grown ass man OUGHT to do. Obviously he has gotten away with lying to you and other people so it becomes easy for him to do.
3. He put the "blame" on you. He did it to "protect" you and the marriage. Both which are absolute BS.
I wouldn't ask him to leave his job, in this economy that just doesn't make sense. Whether you two stay together or not, him being out of a job over this is not smart.
If you DO plan on staying with him and staying married I think you two ought to look into a round of marriage counseling. If you don't want to do that, I think sitting him down and explaining how he ERODES your trust in him by lying and constantly lying.
And I think you need to figure out what you NEED from him to start rebuilding the trust, the thing is rebuilding trust can take years, so be prepared.
Do you think he will stop lying? Or being around this ex?
And exactly what is the problem with him working with his ex? Do you think if they are together he will cheat? I mean after all kids or no kids they have a 7 YEAR history together. That doesn't mean he will cheat with her. After all they did break up.
Look into some marriage/couples counseling.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 August 2012):
 You must live in a VERY LARGE metropolitan area if there are TWO "Broomhilda Krushnevskis" living there!!!!
How long do you intend to put up with this guy?
Good luck....
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