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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Dear aunts and uncles, This might seem very trivial but i've been feeling stressed out and feel upset about it. Now my husband lost his car recently, i've lost mine a few months back to a bad accident. He's been looking for a job activly and even doing full-time trials at hospitals in attempt to get employed the market is just really bad, right now. Not having a car has been adding to the strain especially that public transportation is very inefficient where we live.Seeing how hard it is for us, my parents offered to help us buy a car, i put in some money i had saved up and they helped with the rest. We bought a car within our price range,which I thought was a good deal. Its not perfect, it has issues but we knew that when we bought it.I have some knowledge about cars growing up around my dad and brother who loved cars and were always fixing our cars themselves. I asked my brother for advice before buying it he told me its a good deal and to go ahead. I also did my research amd figured out that any repairs that are necessary will be in our budget. My husband however had very little knowledge in cars and was scared off by buying the car. When my dad came to visit he checked in on the car and said something to me and my husband anout it having issues and joked about us not knowing what we were doing when it comes to cars. My husband took it so personally -even though he says he didn't- and kept telling me how he told me we xhouldnt but it, how my dad now thinks less of him because of buying a 'bad' car. How he's a bit upset with me because i put him in that situation but whats done is done. That he doesnt like the car not one bit anymore. I really don't appreciate the notion. I feel that i've stuck with my husband throughout this tough time, gave it everything I could. Took time out of my exam preparation to go car searching with him. Heard comments from his family of how we shouldnt have got THAT type of car or should have got THIs instead, without anyone offering to help at all. I made a judgement call to my best of ability- i've asked for his opinion all along, he kept saying it's your call- and now he's making me feel bad because of a my father's comment. The car is running well has minor issues, i've owned much worse and used them for years. Desperate times call for desperate measures. You can't expect a car to be brand new when you're getting it that cheap. I'm just disappointed, i wanted my husband to be more mature about it. And i dont know how to deal with it. What should i say to my husband? Am I in the wrong? We've been togther for two years and married for 3 months thank you.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (24 September 2015):
 When an automobile has such intense impact upon your lives and relationship.... you (both) need to step back and consider WHAT is the nature of your focus.... Frankly, it "sounds" like having a car available is all that you and hubby have to think about. Life is a lot bigger than that....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2015): Some truly beautiful answers here, Abella and YouWish. I was moved to tears. Genuinely. Beautiful. You've made my day even though I'm continents away :-)
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 September 2015):
 Point out to your Dad that his own son, your brother supported the purchase and that you "asked my brother for advice before buying it he told me its a good deal and to go ahead" Tell him not to go on about it as it's hurtful. You are living within your means, that has to count for something.
As far as your husband I think this is a bruised ego issue.
Your parents helped fund the car. Your brother gave advice to get the car.
You are satisfied with the car and it is within your existing budget constraints. Pat yourself on the back for living within your budget. Many don't and many can't.
Back your judgement. Ignore the remarks from his family.
Your husband has probably suffered years of negative remarks from family that have affected his self esteem. May even be affecting his self confidence in his quest to find work.
Remind the family that their difficult to please and overly critical stance is not helpful. If they cannot be constructive and supportive then suggest they confine themselves to talking about the weather.
You may be more resilient than your husband.
But perhaps your own family are more positive and supportive than the family of your husband.
Your husband cannot get a well paid job to support his family - his ego will be suffering from this.
He has lost his own car - and a car is usually very important to the man in the family. Often it is an extension to his own ego.
That he cannot afford to buy a car right now really hurts.
Then he is also suffering all this criticism from his family.
It all adds up to making him feel less of a man.
Life is very tough right now. People expect some things as a given because it's been like that for so long. But it's been this bad and worse before in the 1930s Great Depression. It often seems that only those who lived through it (perhaps in their 90s now) and those who have studied it since have some understanding of how it impacted on relationships.
In 1933 in the US the unemployment rate hovered close to twenty-five per cent. Men were so demoralized at the prospect of being unable to support their families that some walked out of the family home one morning never to be seen again.
Some became so demoralized that they stopped looking for work. They became depressed. A form of emotional paralysis caused them to lose all motivation to look for work, so convinced were they that they would never find work. They lost self respect. Many marriages broke-up.
I think the car issues and your husband's family are coming together to put so much pressure on him that he feels a failure.
You are not wrong at all.
You are in survival mode and you are doing your best.
You nailed it when you said that "Desperate times call for desperate measures"
And you are also demonstrating your own strength.
That same strength was what often kept families together in the 1930s Great Depression when women started to seek out work they had not done before. Women brought in some much needed additional income. Their status was lifted. They had no choice but to seek out new roles in order to feed their families.
Ask little bits of advice from your husband. work on building his self esteem. Limit contact with his family while they remain so mean.
Encourage him when he does something good.
The men who best survived the depression were the lucky ones who did not get easily depressed but they also kept busy every day. Your husband is putting in an effort to get work experience.
The Great Depression is often forgotten but through history we can remind ourselves that people and families did survive it and often became more frugal as a result.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/features/general-article/dustbowl-great-depression/
Try to schedule some free to super inexpensive little outings together. Pack a lunch on a Sunday and drive the car to a beauty spot and enjoy lunch together. Take a photo of the view to remember the day.
Make home made pizza together (00 flour, semolina flour and a little yeast) Message me if you want the recipe.
Give him a back massage or a foot massage. He is feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders and it feels like failure to him.
The car is not the real issue, it's what he's going through right now and the car is just another symbol to remind him that he is not, in his opinion, "good enough" at the moment.
If his family don't stop you may even be tempted to quote Oprah Winfrey and remind them that "what you think of me is none of my business"
Good luck with the future.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 September 2015):
 First of all, this has NOTHING whatsoever to do with the car. Nothing whatsoever at all. Your husband isn't upset because of the car OR because of what you said in relation to the car itself.
Your husband is in extreme despair. He is despondent. He is hurting so much, and he cares about what you think of HIM. What you said about the car, you may have meant it about the car, but he took it as you not respecting HIM. That you don't think he knows what he's doing IN LIFE.
He has no job. He just lost his car. He had to watch as you got into an accident and lose the other car, and he couldn't do anything about it. It tears him up inside that he can't buy you a new car. He doesn't want to see you with some ramshackle lemon, and he blames himself that that's what you have.
All of this hardship took a devastating shot to his ego, which is making him hypersensitive to everything you're saying. You'd be foolish to get all in a snit about what he said rather than take a golden opportunity to be there for him in his extreme pain. He's trying to get a job. He's turning himself into a human guinea pig, which also does a number on his body due to the drug studies he's going through now.
You could say one kind thing to him...putting your arms around him, or some night throwing him onto the bed and having sex with him like you're someone dying of thirst and he's the last glass of water on earth. But understand where his frame of mind is right now. IT's not about the car. It's about HIM. Don't kick him when he's down, especially when he's doing the best he can to try to be there for you.
It's funny, how in times of distress, a wife's words can be elixir or be devastating. When you're down, he can be you strength, and when he's down, you can be his. For better or worse, for richer or poorer.
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