A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it ok to snoop if i am being lied to?My husband keeps telling me that his 'penis is broken'. We havent had sex in two months or so. Hes massively stressed out. The thing is that in the last two weeks i have given him two blowjobs and we have actually masturbated together once as well... all successful endings. Also i do the washing and cleaning and have found evidence at least 5 times in the last two weeks that he has successfully masturbated without lookimg for it. So this morning i decided to check his internet history for porn. He caught me and we havent spoken about it yet.but i felt justified to snoop on that one particular subject because hes flat out lying to me. What do you think? Was it still worng?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): Quoting WiseOwlE 'You can't clobber somebody over the head, scream, and fight; then expect them to want to have sex with you.'I also add to that,you can't critisize,belittle,blame for everything bad that can happen, nag and then expect them to kiss and cuddle. I am not accusing you any of these but these are the most common causes of estrangement from the marital bed.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (5 November 2017):
 You said it, your husband's massively stressed out, so you need to find out why he's so stressed out.
Don't discuss porn with him at all, but ask him how he's feeling, then let him know that you love him and find him sexy and that you'd love to make love again, but when he feels ready. No pressure.
Ask him in a calm and rational manner, why he feels the need to masturbate regularly, rather than come to you for some physical contact, pleasure and sex.
When he responds, LISTEN and do not verbally abuse, scold, get jealous or yell, because this will only add fuel to fire.
Just learn to accept that he's a guy and guys have their needs and sometimes different needs at different times.
Men go through a sexual cycle too with peaks and troughs.
In this instance, he is finding some self release enjoyable, quick and accessible and perhaps this is really helping him to de-stress.
He's not doing anything seriously wrong.
It's not as though, God forbid, you caught him in bed with another woman, or you found loads of porn downloaded on his computer.
When the two of you are together, he may feel a lot more stress, hence his inability to express that to you.
Men experience sexual pressure, performance anxiety and he may not feel he can maintain his erection when with you at present, hence his self pleasing.
None of this means that you're to blame or that he doesn't love you and get turned on by you.
This is something he's going through. Something to do with HIM not YOU.
You can help him so much, just be being there for him and by being encouraging and supportive.
This is why you must talk to him and hear it all from the horse's mouth.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2017): If you don't agree with porn I would certainly speak up about this. I don't think that women have to be okay with it. I am a woman and I believe it is degrading and wrong when you are in a relationship to get off on porn. I mean it is basically cheating imo. Saying that, of course it is a problem many people face. But I would have a serious talk with him outlining all the reasons you are not okay with it. The other issue is that he has lost interest in sex with you, or so it seems. I wouldn't say completely, since you did have other kinds of sex this month, so that is a good thing. SO he is having trouble with penetrative sex it sounds like. Why don't you continue with the other ways (oral and handjobs) and maybe the penetrative will come back when he is less stressed. ALso he could see a doctor and maybe get a prescription or look into the causes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2017): So you snooped. Did you find porn? He caught you snooping.
Why haven't you discussed it? I don't recommend going at it with the intent to scold him like a child. He's a grown-man, and it's his body. If you want sex, would it be good to get mad and turn it into a fight? I'm sure females are going to give different answers.
I only suggest this, use diplomacy. Be calm and communicate with your lover. If he was only your boyfriend, I'd say kick his ass to the curb.
You can't clobber somebody over the head, scream, and fight; then expect them to want to have sex with you. Think before you speak.
I would let him know that he has now destroyed your trust; and has damaged the marriage with lying. You can convey that without turning it into a knock-down drag-out fight.
Things happen in relationships. Sometimes they are quite serious, and have to be addressed.
Guys masturbate, and they sometimes get carried-away. Some get addicted. Your problem has only lasted a couple of months. Sex sometimes gets boring.
If excessive masturbation hurts your love-life, he brought the problem on himself. He's not a kid; so you can go at him if you like, hoping to humiliate or admonish him. You'll give him a good excuse not to talk to you and avoid a conversation. I'm just saying!
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (5 November 2017):
 Broken penis is a very serious medical condition which cannot linger for very long. Bruised penis, from masturbating, happens. Is he lying? Probably.
Instead of being angry at him, I think you should find out why he prefers fantasy over a real thing and go slowely to fix that. I'd forget porn in this case, and figure out why he needs it instead of you, then fix that.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (5 November 2017):
It's not wrong to look for evidence if your hubby is being evasive, but it isn't helpful at all. Just because he can master bate and become erect doesn't mean he's lying about his penis being broken. He might have performance issues where the pressure of performance mugh cause issues. You need to talk about this not just assume he's lying rather than lacking articulate or shy about the issue. Impotence is a form of broken penis- just talk to him, but not in the moment of sex or lack of it- you're unlikely you'll get anything more than defensiveness. Sit down together when the pressures off.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (5 November 2017):
 If he's watching too much porn there could be a problem. Porn can be just as addictive as drugs because it releases a hormone called dopamine which is that feeling you get when you win a hard level on a game or get a messenger text on your phone. It makes you feel good because it makes you feel like you have been rewarded with something. Porn can do that, but because its easily accessible and can be watched for as long as you want it over-stimulates the reward centres of your brain which make the usual dosage on dopamine throughout the day seem like a joke. Hence it can affect your sex life because he would now be getting more dopamine from porn.
Do some research on the topic. As for the next step...You can talk to him about why he doesn't want to have sex anymore and see what he says. Don't bring up the porn to soon. Try seeing if you can put on spin on your sex life to help. Handcufss, role playing, S&M. Porn is about fantasy, maybe you can bring a few to life.
All the best.
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