A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now, and we are currently living apart. He works for a company who sends him all over the world to act as a representative, mainly in contries that support the US Military. Originally, his job was based in Virginia, and then Kuwait. At this time, right after our marriage, I was 1 semester away from graduating, so we decided, although he later accuses it of being my decision, but we decided on me staying to finish my college, with the intention of moving to Kuwait. After I graduated, my husband's company offers him double pay to leave to Afghanistan and we decided that time over there would be ok for a while, since we didn't have any children. I now find myself having a hard time being without him. This marriage has turned into a long distance marriage, something I have no interest of. When I speak to my husband about this, he says that he's not ready to come home yet. This makes me feel really bad because my husband is choosing to be in a War torn country than with his wife. His company doesn't have any intentions of bring him home soon and there is no hope for him to transfer yet, so bringing him home would require him finding another job. I realize this takes time, and am willing to wait for something to come up, but he doesn't want this option. He isn't willing to look for another job, even if this means he can stay with his company for several more months, enough time for a possible transfer position to come up. I guess my main question is what's going on? Why is he so intent on staying over there and being with out me? Does he regret getting married? Does he not love me? I'm so confused and I feel stuck in a marriage that isn't anything like what I imagined. Please Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): I wonder too why he chose to get married if he didn't plan on being with you very much.
I wonder if he's one of those guys who isn't really ready or interested to be married or settled down, but who marries you anyway to keep you around for whenever they ARE ready and it's convenient for them. If so, I think this is selfish.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments! I feel as though I really tried everything already, the whole deadline talk and how I feel. It's always the same thing over and over. The conversations with my husband never change.
Things however, at this moment in time, are going good. All it took was for me to let go and not bring it up again. My feelings haven't changed one bit, about wanting him home, but I have been able to send this issue to the back of my mind and not worry about it for now. I feel as though talking about it with you guys has given me a sudden surge of energy and confidence in my marriage. Unfortunately, this issue is no where near dealt with, but for now, it is not a priority either. I'm sure this issue will come up again, but I'll worry about it when that time comes.
I really appreciate all of the comments, it has been a relief to finally share how I'm feeling to someone other than my husband.
Oh, and I did not find your post offending in either way, I might have just been having a bad day when I wrote my last update. Sorry, but thanks again!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): Thanks for the additional details. And I hope you weren't offended that I brought up bills as a possible motivator for your husband to stay overseas. You said that you'd recently graduated from college, so it seemed like a reasonable possibility. Also, I hope it wasn't my post that you think makes you sound weak. If so, it was not what I meant at all. For the record, I didn't interpret the other answers as implying that, either.
Back to the issue at hand--Knowing that he told you 2 1/2 years ago that he wanted to go to Afghanistan for a year puts everything in a different light. I suspect, especially since you think he regrets getting out of the military, that another poster's possibilities 1 and/or 3 are at work here--he feels that he owes his comrades support, or the idea of a 9-5 job seems incredibly boring, or both.
My ex was in the Army, and I met a lot of military people who thought that a job where they aren't putting their lives on the line every day is an existence devoid of meaning. And I mean that in the best possible way! These tend to be wonderful, highly principled people whom I've been honored to know, who are justly proud of their willingness to sacrifice everything for their country. But -- this also makes the transition to civilian life extremely difficult.
I think your last sentence is key--you "wish there was a clear date set when to expect him home." It's not fair of him to keep you dangling like this. Tell him that you can't wait indefinitely--you need to know when he's going to come back and have a normal life again. (Although I wouldn't phrase it quite like that!) Eventually, you're going to feel that waiting isn't worth it anymore, and it sounds as if you're close to that point now. If you've already talked about it, bring it up again (once). And, if you have a sense of how much longer you're willing to wait, tell him what your deadline is.
One more bit of advice, learned the hard way: before he returns, learn the symptoms of PTSD. If he displays any symptoms hustle him into therapy immediately--therapy can save both your sanity (figuratively speaking) and your marriage.
I hope that this works out for you, and that he comes home soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your answers!
To answer a few more questions asked, my husband does tell me he loves me and that he misses me, but other than that, his communication with me is dry. He will call, but he relies on me to say something and to keep the communication alive, it's never the other way around. The original time frame he was supposed to be there was 1 year, but he's been there for 2 1/2. When asked when he's planning on coming home, he always answers, "I don't know." As for debt being the possible reason for him being over there, there isn't any, other than an $8,000 school loan. We've already paid everything off since he's been there, even our wedding! This has definately been a plus!
One of the comments made it seem like I was a weakling, and just so you know, this is the furthest from the truth! We were together for 5 years before we got married, and during most of this time, he was in the military. We survived as boyfriend and girlfriend, 2 military depoloyments of 16 months, but he has served 2 others before meeting me. I would do anything for him, but sometimes I question his motivation for getting married, especially if he never planned on being with his wife.
I do question whether or not he regrets getting out of the military. He's said several comments suggesting so in the past.
I also know that I do not own my husband, and wanting him home doesn't mean that I want to boss him around. It just means that I miss him and wished he were here.
I'm hanging in there, but things aren't getting any easier. I just wish there was a clear date set when to expect him home, because from what I can tell of now, it doesn't look like it's anytime soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): I guess a few possibilities:1. They say that in times of war, soldiers on the front lines are not fighting for their country, they are fighting for each other. This is why soldiers home on leave will choose to go back for another tour of duty, they don't want to be home when their comrades and friends are still facing danger. Maybe it's something similar with your husband. Maybe he feels he owes his comrades support since they are sticking around.2. Maybe he really doesn't mind not being with you. Maybe the stress or excitement of his job is so fulfilling that he's fine without you.3. Maybe he finds the job so exciting or stimulating that the idea of returning home to a 9-to-5 routine sounds dreadful and boring. 4. maybe he enjoys being "single" again or is having an affairRealize that he has a right to choose something over being with you. Just because you are married to him doesn't mean you own him. Every soldier in the war torn country is choosing to be there over being home with their spouse and family. Your husband is no different. Ask yourself why are you having a hard time dealing with his absence? are you looking to your marriage to fulfill all your emotional needs?So he says he's not ready to come home yet. Why not just ask him WHY, so you don't have to guess what he's thinking. Do you ask him when he will be coming home? I think you at least have the right to know the time frame and not just have it drag out to be an indefinite thing.If his time frame is not something you want, you have the right to say that you regret getting married and want out.PS. I have friends who would give anything to have a long distance marriage, as opposed to having to live with their spouses!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): When you & your husband decided that he should take the position in Afghanistan for a while, did you two define how long "a while" is? Has that time passed already? Did the company imply that he could easily return to his job in Kuwait and then rescind that once he took the new position?
Does your husband tell you that he loves you? Have you talked to him about his motivation for staying? If either you or he has a lot of debt (such as student loans), he may find the double pay very attractive. He could be thinking something along the lines of "Another year at this rate, and the loans will be paid off, & then I can spend the rest of my life with my wife." Or maybe he feels that he's doing his patriotic duty by being in Afghanistan. Could he just be waiting for the job market in your area to pick up? Do you earn enough to support you both if he comes back tomorrow but can't find another job for several months?
Long distance relationships are tough, especially when your loved one is in the military (or in a war zone!). The best way for your relationship to survive is if you communicate effectively while you're separated. And that means telling him you've been concerned about his commitment to you & your marriage; asking him to articulate what he's thinking; and not second-guessing his answers! (Which can be hard, I know.) How much longer does he want to stay over there? Let him know that you feel stuck, and whether you think you can last for the length of time he's thinking of staying.
Talk to your husband! Be sure that you've worked out in your mind what your own limits are, though.
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