A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,I have felt distant from my husband for some time now.He always did have a low sex drive so I don't think he is cheating!?!?Anyway..I can't figure out where the feeling comes from.It might have several factors in play here.It could be that when his mom insults me and if he is not thereto see or hear it or even if he is, he pretends that it never happened. He says it is my battle to fight and he doesn't want to get into the middle of it. He just stands there like a bump on a log. He made mention a few weeks ago that I should bow to his parents that they are our elders. He didn't come out and say that he regrets choosing me as a spouse for standing up to his parents and not putting up with their shenanigans but is sounded something very much like that. Lately, He made mention that he feels and sees himself as independent.I am not sure what he means by that!?!? I remind him that he is not independent that he is part of a team, our team, our married lives, together. We have always kept most of or finances separate. It was the way my parents did things so I continued the trend. The other day he was doing his online banking and he told me to not look at the computer as I was getting him his AM coffee to get away from the computer that he didn't want me to see stuff because of whatever reason….that maybe? I would be mad about things!?!?!Another weird thing that happened the other day. I found a pro's and con's list in his lunch box it was about maybe getting a new job or getting a new certification for his current dead end job that they are jerking him around at. Anyway…I confronted him about this list and he had this weird smile and affect on his face he stalled and was clearly buying time for a few minutes…then he and told me not to overreact to anger to his story about his job jerking him around. He also said I shouldn't go poking into his business that he doesn't poke into mine. I told him we are married and that we share everything. With all of this Independence talk, not wanting me to see stuff, or 'poke around' and ask him where he is going and coming back……like when he runs to the hardware or goes on a bike ride makes me wonder what exactly could be going on here? I feel like I am on the outside looking in. What do you make of this cupid or is it truly that vague? Should I be getting my self an attorney ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): It sounds like he's having an affair. Even if he isn't, he's showing you major disrespect by not standing up for you, by taking off when he chooses, doing what he wants to do, and keeping secrets. There's no room for secrets in a marriage. Secrets hurt trust. Clearly, he's not committed to you or the marriage and wants to be single. If I were you, I'd leave him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2015): We have sex once a week. I am not sure what the norms or statistics are with that. 80% of the time he instigates it 20% of the time I do. I should mention that we are both of the Caucasian persuasion My use of the words bowing was a figure of speech. I should say kiss butt. Yes his values seem to be of some sort of Asian influence when he has no ties to the asian culture. There wouldn't be much of an inheritance to have. he is one of 5 children and they grew up lower middle class.Although they send him 1000 check every time they do something really really wrong. When I mean confronting I mean to say ask him about the pro's and con's . This is our lives together. If he is thinking about getting a new job I think he should be able to review it with his spouse. I have always been a strong advocate for him getting the pay he deserves and for him to reach higher and farther than his self image. Yes I have been very vocal about that in the past. That they are jerking him around at work with his pay. He doesn't listen to me. It is not his life it is our life….together. I don't like his parents and I have raised my voice to them because they have disrespected me on many occasions as well as involved themselves in illegal immoral activity that hurts others. I have written them off in my heart and in my mind. We live 3000 miles away from them. i should mention that they are mentally ill and probably operating at a 13 YO level. But they are from a very rural area so they didn't go to the dr all that much in their lives to figure out all of that.He has never once in the 5 years we have lived here made plans to fly back to see them. In fact he finds every excuse in the world -i.e. that the dog is sick and he needs meds. he has used that excuse for years.My husband is not gay as far as I can tell I have only seen magazines with ladies tucked away in his drawers. I don't have a problem with him looking at a couple of lady magazines now and again. But christian fundamentalist background yes. I am sure their is a lot of shame in regards to sex. He has spoken out on many occasions on how cheating is disguising. I wonder if this over compensating for something or just my paranoia?I just feel like he doesn't value me anymore. I am not sure what you mean by speaks in code or wordplay? I have been with him for 16 years we lived together for 10 years prior to getting married. No fault of his my fault because I had trust issues due to previous relationships. We still go out to dinner and do fun stuff almost every weekend.I just don't feel valued anymore. I just can't figure out if it is my paranoia or something is truly going on here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2015): You don't have to respect "disrespectful" or meddlesome elders. You put them in their place...respectfully.
If you don't have his support, IT IS your battle to fight.
I'm not exactly sure why you have to battle his parents. If you're well over thirty, it would seem you'd live your lives according to your own rules. Just humor the old-folks and let their snide comments or interference be noted; but not taken seriously, or in offense. They are parents, so they will always have some wisdom and opinions to share. Wanted or unwanted. They will dangle the purse-strings; if there is a reasonable inheritance to be had. If he has siblings; he'll no doubt fall in-line, he wouldn't want to be left out of the will. He'll brown-nose and play their favorite little-boy! Anything to keep them off HIS back!
Even if that means throwing YOU under the bus!
If there are ethnic-traditions at-play, your husband is acting in accordance to his upbringing. Just as you say you follow the tradition that your parents had regarding separate accounts and finances. It is what you learned and accepted into your own marriage. You don't always have to agree with your spouse; but it helps to keep compromise and communication alive and healthy.
When you can't communicate with someone as close as a spouse; and they always speak in code or word-play? They've got undercover-plans and secrets. There's something up their sleeve. Poking around won't help; because they'll become all the more secretive and evasive. If you're in the dark, it's mainly because you're in denial. If you're living like roommates or best girlfriends; your marriage is in serious trouble. Seems obvious. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.
You simply ask straight-up. Either that, or keep dancing around and around.
"What's the deal? Why don't you need sex? I dislike the roundabout obscure comments you're always making and leaving things up in the air. It's OUR MARRIAGE, I have a right to know if there is something "WE" need to do to fix it. If you want out, I'm prepared to take my half and let you go. That isn't what I want. Is it what you want? TALK TO ME! Spare me the bullsh*t!" Get answers or draw your own conclusions.
If he walks away without any answers; he's leaving it up to you to figure it out. Avoiding drama and keeping his hands clean. "Mom...dad...I never said I wanted a divorce. She did!"
Can you live under a question mark? Can you bare the constant passive-aggressiveness, the game-playing, the convoluted responses to simple questions?
If you feel no love, there isn't any.
If he does act weird and distant; or he has a nearly non-existent sex-drive; perhaps marriage was forced on him by "tradition." Parents of the old-school, or of fundamental religious-beliefs; will hound you about getting married, settling-down, and having children. Mainly because they want proof you're not gay. Not always because they want you to be happy. If his parents are overbearing; they are of either or both of the categories mentioned.
I agree with your husband's offense to your snooping around. If there is something on your mind, or you need to talk; ask to sit down and talk about it. If he's evasive and doesn't like talking, then consider your options to remaining in a marriage where you receive no sex, your husband acts weird and distant, and he's a tit-sucking wimp who won't stand-up to his parents when they gang-up on his wife.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2015):
 Sounds to me like he VALUES his privacy, but he also seems pretty immature.
As for his parents and the whole - respect our elders... IS that a cultural thing? While I DO think that there SHOULD be some respect for elders in our society, I do NOT think it gives them the right to BULLY anyone.
His pro and con list - well, my guess is he is on the fence about his life with you. IT might be his parents have influenced him, it might be the he is realizing you may not be that great of a fit.
I'm not sure why you felt it was YOUR right as a wife to "confront" him about a pro/con list. He is fully within his RIGHTS to figure out if getting a new job is what he should be aiming for - instead of confronting, why aren't you supporting him? THAT is what I'd think a wife would do. But I would have WAITED for him to bring up to subject for my input.
Maybe YOU should start doing stuff "interdependently" to, being married doesn't mean joined at the hip, but I DO think it means sharing things and YOUR husband isn't (for whatever reason).
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 April 2015):
 Maybe he is gay and living a double life, and that the only motivation to get married to a woman is to please his traditional parents. I think separate finances work fine and the couple can still be romantic, but not when he uses that as an advantage to distance himself from you.
I think you should talk to an attorney. You don't sound like you are happy and he would not talk to you. His mom hates you for whatever reason. Your story doesn't sound like something happened or something you did that made him distant. He'd been playing his game and now that you are married he's tired of playing, so you see his true self.
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