A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi i need your help i have been marred for 3 years my husband never kisses me he says its because i smoked ,so i gave up.he allways pulls me down about what i wear i was 14 stone now im 9,and he still pulls me down.he says we will not go out on our own coz then we cant be acused of anything.sex is just wam bam thankyou mam no for play ,and to top it all i found his phone bill it had 50 tex to the same num so i rang it ,a women awnserd so i asked him who it was he said a couple he nos shere the phone .but every thim i phoned or tex she picked it up.i left it one month till next bill and there was more calls and tex he says he not up to anything and its his mate henry .i rung and asked to talk to him but he was not there,so i rang at 7 in the morning she put phone down my hubby tryes to change it round and blame me but i have done nothing wrong i told him i dont beleve him what do i do
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (14 January 2008):
 He needs to move out immediately. You mustn't live in the same house. Go ahead with the divorce. That is the only way you will find the peace of mind you so desperately seek. You are a very lovely person, friends won't be a problem. Good luck honey, make sure your lawyer gets you every penny you have coming to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi sorry it's been so long thakyou all so much for the advice it ment al ot to me.well i have something to tell ya all i have been so silly and stayed in my house tryed to make it work, but gues what your all write it did not .i have been such a fool thinking things would work out. silly me ! but deep in my hart i new it would not and i new he would never change. now i have deserved everything that he has thrown at me he calls me names,says i sleep about,trys to tell me what to were and what to do . he assolted me in nov 07 i had him looked up but because he admited he had done it and said he would get help they gave him a corshen. so he came home and told me how he got his self off and it was all my falt.like a silly cow i still stayed and i know it was the wrong thing to do but i loved him and they do say that love is blind.now its jan 08 i have been sleeping in the spare room now for 8 weeks and trying to get my life together its been so hard coz every time i turn round he is there in my face giving me shit. i have started to spoil,pamper,and take care of myself now and i have to say for someone that is at there lowest i look good .dont get me wrong it not been easy and i lost more wate with all the shit but i getting there and getting to him.but he seems to keep playing his games and has turned all his fam against me and i find that hard.then sat morning he came in to my room and started again,he kicked a cd stand at me so i rang the police,but as i put the phone down he rang them to say he done nothing wrong i was making it up.... can you beleve he would do something like that?i know he's a control freek but i did not think he would do that.the police told me he would just get let out so don't waste time doing a long statment,so i said - well what's the point do i have to wait for him to kill me before you do anything. they told me to go to my solictor,so i have put in a complaint .have i done the right thing? so he is back in the house now. i even had his step mum on the phone telling me he is always up there so upset .. i use him ,control his life,waste police time and he does not love me , then he comes home and tells me he does but one thing is 4 shure i not putting up with this shit no more i just told him his step mum just made up my mind 4 me she told me everythig i have ment to have done and that steve is a nice man. well she dont live with him does she.i am going to get legal advice tomorrow i applyed 4 a divorce before xmas and i'm going to tell her i would like it a.s.a.p i need my life not this hell . all he wanted me for is free living and sex any man's dream.. he has not give me a penny 4 a long time now only heartache .the thing is i am so messed up with the things he has said and done will a ever be happy again and find friends that i have lost? please help me . sorry it's a long one x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): Listen go ahead with the divorce...and do what I said about protecting your finances, your property etc...he is in a total panic because he never expected it and he doesn't care about you or what you mean to him, he is more concerned with what he is going to do, the humiliation of his mates and telling people that he was the one that fucked up...he doesn't want to come off looking the weaker link. Get out of this and start living your life properly for the first time. Don't do what he has done, or the taste of his own medicine thing, it just will make you feel worse and less empowered. Go through with this...this man is pathetic and he is dragging you down in his pathetic life if you stick with this. Let us know how you are getting on?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 April 2007):
I know it was hard to do but I think a divorce is probably for the best looking at his track record.I wish I could be there when he gets the letter and see the look on his face. You will patting yourself on the back in the near futre, I'm sure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi i found some more things out abot my husband and the texes to this women.there is no husband on her part so i rang her up and she put the phone down on me .then sent me a tex saying they are only mates and thats it not to bother her any more.but why lye for my husband then. i asked him to tell me the truth so he replyed in texes.saying thy ar ony mtes and there is nothing goin on with them he did not want to tell me he new how i would take it.. sohe left me 6 weeks and now he tells me he said he has been so stupid and does not want to leve me .do i beleve him or not? he still has not talked to me about it and says he told me everything . so i been to the soliciters to file for a devorce but i have not told him have i done the write thing? shall i tell him what i have done or just wate till he gets a letter and say i forgot to tell him ? give him a taste of his own med? and thanks to every one who sent me a reply it was nice to no people care x
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell ispoke to this women and she lold me thay were just mates from along time ago .i confrunted my husband and he said he lyed about it because he new what my reachen would be but says there is ,was,or never will be anything but mates.i don;t no what to beleve anymore should i trust him? why lye in the first place? i have been to see a devorce solis what next
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): Ok, seems to use you for sex, you know he uses you for sex. Either let him or don't. Take it from someone who has been in the same relationship as you. Almost mirror image. My ex used to play about, come home with hickies on his neck etc, he used to say I stank, was fat, my hair looked awful, my family were controlling, you name it. He once bought a shoe box full of deodrants, shoe odour eaters etc, mouthwash and toothpaste for my birthday. He thought it was hilarious. I shower everyday and continue to do so I know I don't have to if I don't want to. I am perfectly happy if I miss a day showering, I look like crap sometimes or my hair needs doing, it only bothers me. He is the one that stank, it was his way of pathetically getting some sort of kick from undermineing another human being. You're husband doesn't deserve you. I'm 5ft 2" and weigh about 7 stone so I know I am not overweight, smell or am unattractive. Even if I was heavy, or whatever so what! Even his mates used to say, ooh that was a bit harsh wasn't it when he made a comment. He was a lousy husband and I made a lousy choice, hoping he'd see the light one day. Leopards don't change their spots. This man is emotionally and mentally crippling you. Start sleeping in the spare room, get a lock on the door of it. If he asks why or trys to kick it down, make sure you have a phone with you to call the cops. I used to hide evidence of phone bills or whatever in food I knew he wouldn't eat...cereal boxes, in the freezer, boxes of tissues, I even cut a slit in the side of my mattress and would wedge all my documentation in there.
Get out. He won't be so attractive to the women he texts 50 times or so when he is this sad bastard whose wife isn't being seen as the fool or he can laugh at you about with them. I wonder if she will be there to cook, clean, iron, run a home when the allure of fooling around has gone.
He is making you out to be a total door-mat. Pack up your stuff, take things that are important to you and go or if you need your house, change the locks, report he is an abusive husband and make sure the courts/cops are on your side. Talk to your bank about what will happen with your house, your mortgage, rent...apply for housing. Do or take however it takes to start a new life.
Start making copies of his phone bills, keep a diary of movements events (do it in code x for he went out, y for found another text message, z for any other things you are suspicious about) if you have a separate bank account or savings, move it to something in your name only, start preparing. Don't challenge him where he's been, or ask about a text, or anything, he wants you to react, so he can cripple you to other people with his big talk. Don't call these other woman, they aren't going to say anything, it is just a process for you, of trying to just 'do' something to get some resolution.
I got a locker at my local bank (try your post office or railway station) and started putting stuff away bit by bit, money, jewellery, photos, credit cards etc, I started transferring money as I was working at the time, that I earned and was putting it into our joint account then moving it via internet to another account he didn't know about . Get a pay as you go phone or create a new email account and log on to it at internet cafes where people can contact you, like social workers, domestic crime people and close on around him, instead of on you. You don't need him. Do not tell anyone what you are doing, even you're closest mate. All it takes is there husband to get it out of them and your screwed. Be confidential, do this on your own. You don't need to talk to anyone about what you think or feel. Just start doing it.
I was relieved the very first night that I never had to think of him again. I've never ever regretted it ever. I am 33 and was with this man for 11 years. We have a child together and I do not regret it kicking him out, loosing my house, being skint, loosing all our mutual friends or being married. It is hard but I think I am such a better and good person today not to have him draining away my life or my daughter. It's that easy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): hey girl I think that marrying this guy in the first place was wrong. I mean I am not married yet but i go to college and i study media and i know i wouldnt just marry a girl cus she's sexy but i would want her to think like me and to love me and treat me well so that i could treat her well if you know that living with this guy is only gonna bring you problems then leave him, tell him you want divorce, you wanna live with someone that loves you and only you and doesnt mess around with other women. So my advice leave him and find someone you like and he likes you for example you said u smoke well then you gotta find a smoker. Someone that will share with you the same feelings, I hope i helped, thank you.
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A
female
reader, blackbeltcadet +, writes (18 April 2007):
Listen to them... cause the ones who posted before me are right. You are a human being and deserve someone better. You shuldnt have to take crap from him, especially if he is cheating. Tell him to shape up or leave him, but dont let him be a monster to you and treat you like your dirt, cause your better than he will ever be!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): That's easy, leave him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 April 2007):
Your husband is treating you in this horrible way because you've been allowing him to. Tell him in no uncertain terms that his treatment of you is unacceptable and that the phone calls and text messages to another woman must stop. If he doesn't shape up then I would ask for a separation. You could try marriage counseling but for some reason I think he'll never go. The main thing is not to put up with this behavior towards you be very calm but clear when you talk to him. Good luck you deserve much better.
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A
female
reader, Mystic Moo +, writes (18 April 2007):
 Chachacha is right! No woman desrves to be treated like this! You deserve better. Leave him now. He's not worth it. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (18 April 2007):
You're husband doesn't kiss you, he has quick thoughtless sex with you, he criticises you, he won't go out with you, and he is texting another woman, and you want to know what to do?
You are obviously an amazing woman - you gave up smoking, you lost 5 stone, and you are obviously very kind and caring.
Leave this man and find one who will love you - who kisses you, who wants to walk in the park with you in the rain, who wants to make love to you for hours, who is honest and faithful, and who talks to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): It sounds 2 me like ur husband doesn't appreciate u enough!He should b pleased u lost all that weight not pulling u down about sum fin else!If I woz u I would split up wiv him no woman deserves 2 b treated the way u r bein treated!
Hope this helps!x
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