A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of two years is in the process of divorcing me. I really don't want this to happen but he will not communicate with me any more. He said prior to him telling me that he was divorcing me that I was selfish and was always difficult putting myself first and that I have a combatitive personality. I found him to be just too laid back and was disappointed that he would not listen to things that mattered to me and would not stand up for me in family situations. However after not speaking for a while I really do miss him. We do not live in the same house and if I contact him he is likely to not answer as he has really had enough. This would be the third time I have asked him to try again so realistically I do not think he would want to try again with me. When we are together we have the most wonderful time but our backgrounds are very different - he comes from a large family and is very sociable, I come from a very small family and I am very insular and really do not like family things at all, like it being quiet with it being just the two of us. I have a very pressurised high powered job where survival is key which often spills into my personal life and I don't think he really understands how self interested you have to be to survive. He is a very kind, loving and generous man and I do miss him dearly. I don't think I can lose face to contact him again. What can I do to solve matters or should I just accept that he has moved on?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): "I don't think he really understands how self interested you have to be to survive""I don't think I can lose face to contact him again.""What can I do to solve matters"If you really want to solve matters, it sounds like you need to change. You have to want him more than you want whatever else it is that you are getting.So far, from what you write, you have wanted something else more. Not unusual. I used to have a job that I really liked. I made a lot of money. I had easy work days, although they could be long (2-5 hours commuting). My wife felt insecure though. She wanted me to be closer to home.I had to choose...my job or my wife's security and happiness. I chose my wife's security.Now I am self employed. My job sucks in many ways. My days are longer, and filled with work. But, I am closer to home. My wife was happier because of the move, she regrets the fact that my life has become filled with work and I no longer have the time for myself that I used to have. She sees the wear and tear on me and wishes that she'd never pressured me to quit my other job.But, I had to make the move to prove to her that she was more important than a job. It was only 9 years later that she told me that she had thought nearly constantly that I'd leave her for another woman when I was working at the other job, her fear was what was driving the unhappiness.Sometimes you have to do things that don't make a lot of sense to prove how much you love someone.If you want to do this constructively, get a counselor, work on yourself, tell your husband that you don't want to lose him but you understand why he wants out. Work on yourself, let him know that you are, but don't expect miracles.HOWEVER, if you find out that your husband is having an affair, remember that you are not to blame for his actions, and don't be a doormat.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): No matter how much you want to try yet again, your husband is "done" so your desire is irrelevant. You should move on and reflect on what went wrong, how you contributed to it, and how you can avoid repeating your mistakes the next time in your next relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your answers. i have undergone two counselling sessions (CBT) as I suffer greatly from social anxiety which has caused great problems in my marriage as my husband cannot relate to the fear it causes. I live just outside London. The divorce papers are not here yet but every day I wait for the post in fear. I have tried a few general texts to open contact but he is having none of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): you dont blend. not all relationships and marriages work. not even when we want them to. you are equally as dissatisfied as he is.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (21 April 2012):
 I think by the way you have told it, that you may have to accept that you are not compatible. Let it go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): I'm not sure where you live. But if you haven't been served with divorce papers, then he may not have actually began the legal proceedings. Thus he may be trying to "get your attention". Do try counseling, even if only by yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012):
Speaking as somebody who has filed for divorce, it was the very last resort for me after every effort on my part to try and reconcile our differences.
The talking was all done the chances all given and there was nothing left for me to do but end the marriage.
Oddly enough his job was at the root of all our problems and eventually caused the breakdown of the marriage.
I would accept his mind is made up,yes,if you really feel the need for contact then a letter is best.
Then as the others say see a counsellor and go through the emotions and problems that bought it to this
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 April 2012):
 I would just accept it. One person can not fix a marriage. It takes two WILLING people to "fix" it.
He's already out the door.
Why did the two of you not live together? Geographical reasons?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): It sounds as if you are not compatible. Sad, but even loving someone is not enough if you don't fit together well as a couple. It would take compromise on both sides to make a change, but maybe your natural personalities do not blend. If he won't engage with you on this I'm afraid it is over.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 April 2012):
 If he has filed for divorce, I think he has already made up his mind.
Unfortunately for you, his feelings for you apparently don't line up with what you feel for him. I assume there were warning signs along the way. With your high-powered career my guess is that he felt neglected and unloved. Marriage is often a game of compromise and when he complains of your "combative personality" it might mean he felt that he couldn't work out issues with you without feeling like the loser all the time. And as you state, he may have had enough, which means in his mind he felt like he tried to compromise and work things out with you and didn't see any resolution.
If he will not accept your phone calls, I highly recommend that you write him a letter and explain to him your feelings and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to keep your marriage together. If you have children, emphasize the fact that you want your children raised by their biological parents.
Unfortunately, when someone has filed for divorce, often times there isn't much you can do to prevent it other than to state your case and hope for a second chance.
I'd also encourage you to seek out professional help to deal with your emotions and identify where you went wrong. I suspect there is a lot more going on here that what you've identified in your original question and a trained professional could make you aware of the issues.
Sorry to hear of your plight and good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 April 2012):
 Sounds like you can afford to get some counselling, go by yourself and then if your counsellor recommends it, you can ask your husband to come as well.
You need a professional to help you see how you may have contributed to this breakdown, and they will also be able to help you determine whether to approach your husband to ask him to work through this together.
YOu do mention that he doesnt understand how self interested you need to be to survive, it does seem your self interest may have pushed him to a point of no return.
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