A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi dear cupid! I have a huge problem and I realy need help! My hb and I have been married for 10 yrs and he's been sick for 8 of those 10 yrs. We still don't know what his condition is. But he has dropped a lot of wieght to the point he's skin and bones. I've delt w/it but I'm to the point I'm just not attracted to him anymore. I feel realy pressured when we do have sex. I'm not happy @ all anymore. I still love him that's why I'm still w/him. I'm not perfect but I still have the same body as I did when we got married. I don't know what to do! He's always mad cause I don't want to sleep w/him anymore. He always acuses me of cheating and I've never done that. I can't come out and hurt his feelings and say u disgust me that's why I can't sleep w/u. Please tell what would u do! I realy need help!!! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): In sickness and in health?..Remember those promises..It could easily have been you in his position..Afterall he did not deliberately make himself sick...It isnt something he has control over..I know it is hard and may seem unfair this is what you both get out of your marriage..You both need to be strong and communicate positively with each other, it is possible to be happy despite the challenges..You both have to be willing to work on it...You noticing his physical appearance is probably more connected to the fact that your are both not communicating well or being affectionate enough to each other than the way he actually look...Seek help nd stay strong and willing to work these issues
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 March 2011):
 All marriages need work and tweaking every so often. I'm willing to bet that things will improve if you stay the course. Good luck and keep us in the loop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): Hi
I do understand what you are now saying....you are not a bad person at all...and you can't help feeling like this.
Really you both need to find out WHAT is wrong with him! Obviously something is. I admire you saying you are not giving up....but this is where HE NEEDS to do something aswell for you....There must be more to this regarding his health...or mental emotional health....his bones would not be sticking out for no reason....until you find his problem it will only get worse and like i say, this is not fair on either of you. I hope things work out for you both but HE also has to do his share and WANT to get better.
Is he making you feel drained? The more you do for somebody can disable them and sometimes a sharp kick up the bum is needed....get him to do you both a favour and try to get well.
Good luck and you are NOT a bad person...just choose gentle words with him... but mean what you say.:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo sponkey monkey. I have excepted him all those yrs. This just started to happen to me this year. I had no problem w/him losing wieght in the begining. I excepted everything I took care of him. He's had a few surgeries in the past 8 yrs. But for some reason these feelings just started out of nowhere. I feel like such a bad person for feeling this way. But I can't help it. The first time I noticed was 1 time when he was changing his clothes and I just saw all the bones sticking out almost like a aneroxic person. That's when it started and it went down hill from that time. I never sat down even thought about it before that. It wasn't planned. My heart is broken because the attraction is gone and I do love w/all my heart. But sometimes things happen in life that u just can't control. I'm not planning on giving up on my marriage. I'm gonna fight for what we had before this all happened.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 Has any feedback been helpful? Do you know better what you will do? Or will you continue to do what you've done so far, tried to tell it gently, he's in denial, so do nothing?
Can you talk to someone else about this, a close friend of yours? You don't have to tell the world, but just one person in your life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have to agree w/everything u guys r saying. Eyes wideopen I do remember my vows. I've been there for him everyminute thru his sickness because it is my job as a wife. But I can't help what I feel. I always try imagining him when before he got sick all the time. 8yrs is a long time it might not sound like along time but it is. He is a great hb and father I can't complain w/that. When I met him he was in great shape and I was used to that. He has dropped almost 60 pds,and he wasn't over wieght he was average @ that time so if u could only imagine. I am trying my hardest to work on this marriage.
Chi girl I've tried to say it in a nice way. Like things have changed since he's gotten sick and he knows he lost a lot of his wieght but he's in denial about it. I know he's not incontrol of it and its not his fault what happend to him. I realy feel bad about this whole thing. I never thought this would be our life. I haven't given up on our relationship yet. That is why I'm on here I need any advice I could get. I can't talk about this w/anybody that does know us cause even if we fix this problem they will forever believe it still exist in our life. Thankyou all for taking the time to respond to my problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): First you both need to know what is wrong, this does not make any sense to me 8 years and you still don't know!!!!!!! rings untrue.
What i would do is remember my marriage vows! in sickness and in health. I don't think the fact that you don't want to sleep with him is a problem ...i think the way you say you are disgusted by him is a problem? It's not your fault you are not attracted to him but you obviously don't really love or want him or the word DISGUST would never come out of your mind.
My partner had bowel cancer and had to wear a colostomy bag and lost loads of weight because he was very very poorly for three years....yes things changed obviously , but i loved him as much as ever ...that never changed and nursed him through all of it ,changing his c..bag....thats the deal when two people love and share their lives together....nothing should disgust.
Maybe you really need to be honest with yourself and your husband ( not about how he disgusts you) but your not really together.
I wish you well, but to live a LIE....every time he touches you and feeling like this...is unfair ...to both of you.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 March 2011):
If he's been ill then the changes in his body are not his fault. "In sickness or in health"...remember? Talk to his doctor, see if there is something that can be done to bulk the guy up. Close your eyes and imagine him the day you married him. You say you love him, prove it. Work on it.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 March 2011):
You should talk to him about it. It will hurt him, but it hurts him and you both already the way things are now. You do not need to tell him he disgusts you, you can use gentler words. But you can say that he doesn't attract you any longer, and while you love him, you do not feel comfortable having sex with him. How your body is and has been maintained isn't relevant. Even if your body had changed that wouldn't make it easier for you to have sex with someone you are not attracted to. Be prepared thought that he might say things that will hurt you, simply because he is hurt as well. People do that, they often react by attacking when hurt, no matter if the one who hurt them is doing it on purpose or not. So embrace yourself to get stabbed by him, but do try your best to hold back on any verbal attack, and do try your best to not take to heart what he will say. He might say things like "I would have had sex with you even if your body changed", but you do not need to defend yourself. He doesn't know what he would have done in your shoes because he isn't in your shoes. Neither is it cruel of you to not be attracted to him any longer.Try to explain this to him, try to talk to him in a calm manner, or as calm as you can manage. He might need time to think about things, and sort them out, as will you, so do not pressure for a resolve in one night. Bring it up, talk about it, then go on to do other things in life. Then talk about it some more a while later, maybe even a few days or weeks later, once you have both gotten time to think about it. The truth will always come out, sooner or later. You can not avoid talking to him about this forever. He will be hurt, even if you hold it in. What good does that do to either of you? It eats you up from the inside, and it hurts him to be rejected. I think it is time he knew the truth about why you don't want to have sex with him. You are his wife, his partner. This is a problem you need to tackle together. Instead you have tried to battle it alone, and shield him from the truth. Perhaps he is strong enough to hear the truth.
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