A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Thanks in advance for replying, should you choose to do so. This is long and strange and sounds more dramatic than it probably is, due to my natural inclination to ramble on. Here's a bit of background: I have been struggling with extra weight for a few years. My husband told me he is not attracted to my body any longer, and never passes up an opportunity to criticize my body and my lifestyle choices. We stopped having regular sex about a year ago, because I had to switch birth control, and now he's petrified he'll get me pregnant again (we have 3 already; he promised to get a vasectomy and still hasn't). The problem is that now that sex is off the table, we are extremely limited in what we can do. I have lost all desire for sex (how could I not, being insulted constantly will crush you like that) and I just give him as many blow jobs as I can, which is pretty much daily. I don't want to receive oral sex either, no matter how much he begs to give it to me, because why would I want to be that intimate with someone who isn't attracted to me? We still do anal of course, but I find it increasingly dull. And we do role play but our fantasies are super different and he thinks mine are boring and "too weird" (bdsm). The problem is that now he's become convinced I'm getting sex from someone else because I barely let him touch me? WTH. I just don't get the mindf***ery that goes into this. He doesn't want me -- he has made this perfectly clear. So why would be care? Ok, that turned into a rant, sorry people. Looking for advice on how to get over my block towards intimacy with my husband. Should I just suck it up and pretend I'm enjoying sex so he'll stop being weird? ((And yes, I am losing weight, but it's not fast enough for him))
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2015): How much extra weight are we talking about? Up to 10 lbs or is it now a health problem?Weight-gain is usually just a symptome of something else that is wrong. Sometimes we put on weight to protect ourselves. First of all, comfort-foods have a drug-like effect, you eat them and things seem better for a while. Then, all that weight is like an armor you carry around. And your husband treating you the way he does can only push youe ven further down that destructive path. Make no mistake about it what he does IS abuse. It saddens me to hear that he insults you. I can understand that he doesn't liek you getting fat, but there is a good way to help you deal with it. Unless this is exactly where he wants you to be. He gets to insult you, finds you unatractive and then has an anal and a blowjob (btw, two things some guys prefere that give women less to no pleasure). How is this logical? From this distance it seems that the abuse part is just a foreplay to him. He says mean things and then you feel guilty and agree to do him and disgusted with yourself you refuse his offer for orals ex. Jackpot.Speaking of his logic... he doesn't want to have vaginal sex for fear of getting you pregnant, because again - your fault, you had to go off the pill. Has he ever heard of condoms? Vasectomy is not the only solution. You seem more upset with him not wanting you than with you having a health problem. We all age, our bodies change and not for the better. You owe it to youself to take care of yourself.
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (6 December 2015):
 I think in a relationship when someone takes up lifestyle changes, that aren't so healthy, it might be irritating for their partner, and may for some be a deal breaker. You deal with it by breaching the subject evenly and as tactfully as possible- I.e. NOT trying to destroy their self esteem "never passing up an opportunity to criticise and insult you" He thinks because he's bothered by your extra, it's ok to just try and hurt you and be constantly nasty on a daily basis....Ok, so you see a really overweight person across the street- eevryone judges them silently, to different extents, but who actually has such nastiness in them that they shout out insults across the road... NASTY people... What because this guy is supposed to be your partner, it's any better?? It's even worse that he treats someone he's supposed to care about so poorly.Did you not must realise what a massive sh*t this guy is when you married him??Youre not condemning him for his horrible UNACCEPTABLE behaviour... You're just LETTING him break you down to the point where youll not only take his abuse but actually bend over to please him.... I think that you're angry at yourself for the weight gain, constantly beating yourself up, even on a subconscious level- and that lowers your self worth, which makes it a LOT easier for him to treat you like a verbal punch-bag- you feel low and powerless, you'll just take it.You know what, people make bad lifestyle choices, particularly with diet, almost EVERYTHING processed has extra sugar and chemicals added - which make bad habits food addictions... It's VERY hard to have will power when this stuff is everywhere... Obviously that's why there are so many more obese people, and yes, the best thing you can do for yourself is to try and eat healthier and lose weight... If you eat the RIGHT foods, it's like a magic pill that do the work for you-won't even require much exercise... I used to be thirteen stone, am about 5 6 height- worked for me.HOWEVER don't beat yourself up for it, thats the important thing. You need to realise you're with a verbally abusive person... Do you REALLY want to stay married to this monster?Like the first poster said, the main problem is HIM. Of course the weight gain is something you'd do well to address but the bigger damage comes from him. Try and find some strength, self esteem to divorce him- he's not a nice person or husband, but yes he SHOUKD damn well provide for your children, so talk to a divorce solicitor... from what I've learnt On here, think it's illegal for him to not provide after a split...also remember contraception is not just your responsibility, in case he ever says otherwise.Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2015): My dear lady, the reason to come to DC is to rant! To bare your soul and to unload your burden. We are here to listen, think, and hopefully offer you comfort and advice.
I've been in a long enduring relationship. Over the years, how a couple relates physically and emotionally...well, things can change.
Your spouse notices every change; because they're ever present in your life. If they don't do certain things you do, and it just so happens to change you in ways they don't like? Don't expect them to be sweet and loving about it. You've been together too long and you're long past the "honeymoon stage."
They'll give it to you raw, uncut, uncensored, and unfiltered. He doesn't like your weight. Please don't come here being a woman, and pretending like you've never told your husband something about him you don't like.
I will not respond to your post with sanctimonious self-righteousness; and pretend everything I've said to my deceased beloved-partner was sugar-sweet and loaded with love. We've both exchanged hurtful words. It is human to do so. However; through communication and understanding, we learned that it was not good for our relationship to do that. So we consciously purposely, and conscientiously avoided saying mean unnecessary hurtful things. After talking it out, and using our adult reasoning process; we compromised. We mutually agreed and resolved to do one thing we did throughout the 28 years we were together until he passed on. We never ended an argument without saying "I'm sorry, and I love you!" We didn't go to bed angry at each other. We got things on the table once and for all.
Words can hurt. So many of our readers and DC aunts and uncles forget that we sometimes hurt other people; but we often selfishly can't see beyond our own hurt and pain. Not to say it is alright for your husband to cruelly criticize your weight, and falsely accuse you of cheating. That's a crime! There is an unresolved issue in your marriage and he is frustrated and tired of your excuses. So he resorts to cruelty and anger as a means of venting his frustrations.
To be honest. When a marriage becomes toxic and communication has disintegrated into verbal-abuse; he's got to go. There's no reasoning with him by this point, and every word he says chisels at your self-esteem and well-being. There are things you don't say to the person you've chosen to be your wife or husband. If you don't know any better than that before you married her/him, you had no business marrying her/him in the first place.
You had no business saying yes, because he is not that much different personality-wise now; than when you courted before marriage. People do pretend "he has changed so drastically."
I'm too wise to eat that nonsense.
An asshat is always an asshat, they just become more of an asshat as they get older. Love doesn't change people. They change because they want to, and when they want to. Too many silly-thinking women see the red-flags, and think their magical love is going to bring out the best in him. Only to find out 2.5 kids, a mortgage, credit card debt, and student loans later "this asshat is unbearable!"
Chide his nasty behavior and remind him who the hell he's speaking to! Stand-up for yourself and stop allowing him to speak down to you as though you are worthless. This is the guy you said "yes" and "I do" to. You saw samples of his nasty side before he married you, and you decided to overlook them. Well, now it's time to decide if this is how you plan to spend the rest of your marriage.
Take a stance. Give him an ultimatum if he doesn't back-off. If you no longer want sex with him, you really have no marriage, and you may as well end it. Why are you still there? You've got a lot of things to think about my dear.
If weight is a health concern, then you owe it to yourself to do something about it. If you can't do it alone, you seek professional help with exercise and dieting plan. Most people are lazy, make excuses, and are uncommitted to anything that takes effort or doesn't allow them to continue their bad habits. Habits they've enjoyed for years!
Lets be real, or be silent!
Do not just sit on it, and feel picked on; when you're not happy about it yourself. It's a personal choice, and what other freaking people have to say about it; is of no real importance. If you feel unattractive with it, that's you degrading yourself. That my dear, is something people can change; if they really want to, and are committed to it.
In reality, weight-management and healthy diet is a matter of sound health. The rewards are feeling better, being healthier, and living longer. The side-rewards are looking better and feeling better about yourself. He has the right concern but the wrong approach. He's a terrible person and the wrong match for a husband. Do something about all of this. You're woman, you're born with power over yourself. No one can take it from you. It's your fault if you surrender it to other people.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2015): oh for goodness sake stop giving him blow jobs.Youve got yourself into a ghastly cycle where he gets blow jobs for criticising you.of course he's gonna think of new criticism on a daily basis..he 'll be thinking them up on the bus on the way home from work..and then he's gonna get his fabulous blow job from you which he can boast about at work.Tell him youve got terrible gum infection or just plain bite the goddamm thing in a moment of passionless sex.one good nip should put him out of action for a while.As for his anal desires..again just dont let him have it.Lay on your back for gods sake and tell him "no, youre not getting it any more its making me feel sick and its making me put on wieght."if you refuse to budge off your arse he cant access his bolt hole can he.Plus the idea that anal makes you fat will give him something to think about.As this bloke is abusing you by using you i would deny him your wonderful vagina .Tell him anything you like but dont shift of your ass for his pleasure.next find yourself a solicitor and fix up a divorce.He made three babies so he can help pay to feed them.After thats all done you will get some peace of mind.Sod the weight gain, its not the problem.
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