A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi My husband and I have been married almost 3 years. We have had some interference by his exes which I thought was finally done. What I mean by interference is he talks to them on whatsapp. They don’t share any children together and the one ex he cheated on me with before. So I asked him to stop communicating with his exes. I believe I deserved that much at least. He said we wasn’t. Anyways, we both have separate Instagram accounts and he posts pics regularly. I looked to see who liked his posts and almost all his pics there is some bakery company liking them. I thought hmm this is a bit strange. Then I kind of recognized the name on the account and looked up one his exes and it’s her other account. She has it listed on her regular Instagram page that she has a bakery business and it’s the same bakery business name that’s liking all this pics. I confronted him. He said I’m stalking , stupid and a lot of nasty things. He also said he doesn’t know that’s her lol. Meanwhile it’s her name and his ex ( eyes rolling). I’m not sure I can trust him at this point. I want to make it clear I asked simple things since he did in fact cheat. I also want to say, I don’t constantly check up on him I just thought it’s weird that this bakery company is always liking his pics Any advice, thanks
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cheated on me, his ex, stalking Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (5 December 2019):
Did you click the wrong age because this reads like it was written by an 18 year old married to an 18 year old. He’s a cheater you know that. He’s a liar you know that. He’s abusive, he calls you stupid and other nasty names.
The real question is why are you still there?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): Once a spouse cheats, regaining trust becomes near to impossible. Many get forgiven, but forgiveness and trust don't come as set after betrayal. Like batteries not-included, trust comes separately! When trust has been destroyed, you have been devalued in the relationship. There's the forgivable slip in judgement; or it was a totally deliberate full-blown raunchy-affair. If you catch someone cheating, and they tell you it meant nothing; they were talking about your relationship...not the fling or the affair! Your trust was crapped-on; so it means nothing!
Trust isn't automatically restored, just because a person chooses to forgive you. Trust has to be earned and rebuilt over time. Nobody is going to wait forever for you to come-around to it either! Arrogant-people simply forgive themselves; and just suggest you get over it! Narcissists use trust to manipulate. They need it, in order to torment you! They will trick it out of you; and then use it against you! It gives them narcissistic-supply and twisted-pleasure! They'll suck the life out of you!
Sometimes trust isn't fully-restored. In the majority of cases, forgiveness is conditional; or stipulated on a change of behavior, or a promise. If you can't fully forgive, it's better that you leave that person; rather than go through a lifetime of punishing them. You're punishing yourself more, for being dumb enough to hang-on to somebody you'll never trust again. You're being downright stupid; when you hold-on to any person who doesn't care whether you trust them or not! To add insult to injury, they'll blatantly betray you over and over; while you cling-on in agony!!!
Love can't survive without trust. You will never regain peace of mind, nor a sense of security. You'll adopt the unrealistic-mindset that your mate has to be under watch, or monitored, around the clock! Tell me, who has time for that? How long can you endure feeling compelled to watch his every move? The "accused" would leave voluntarily; before putting up with being spied-on, interrogated, or constantly placed on trial. They will tire of your suspicions and fisheyes! They will lie to your face, and just get more careful at covering their tracks. The paranoia will drive you crazy! Unless you're a drama queen who feasts on the drama!
Maybe your husband doesn't care that he got caught cheating. Like most cheaters, they're only sorry they got caught; and not for what they've done. He took advantage of your forgiveness, and disrespected you by maintaining contact with the woman he cheated with, and his other exes. It is clear he doesn't respect you, and he's pretty certain you won't leave him. You'll make a fuss, plead with him, and he'll just tolerate the noise until it settles. All you can do about it is beg him to stop; he won't, because he knows you don't want to divorce him. He knows you fear he'll return to those women. You've got a dilemma on your hands here, my dear!
I venture to speculate that this guy was a player the day you set eyes on him. You've always known his ways, and thought you would change him with marriage. Did you keep him to keep him away from the woman he cheated with? Is it working?
Give him the all-time ultimatum...divorce, or intense marriage-counseling! Seek legal-advice in the meantime. He may call your bluff, and you don't want to be caught off-guard. He has made it abundantly clear! He's keeping those women, and you can't do anything about it! You can't choose his friends; but you don't have to condone nor accept his colluding with his ex sex-buddies!
When you've been caught cheating; you don't keep in-touch with exes, or maintain a collection of lady-friends as contacts on social media. It's too much temptation! It seems your husband dismisses your concerns; because he's the type that doesn't give a rat's patootie about your complaints! He knows your weaknesses, and he renders you helpless. He's almost narcissistic, knowing how much it bothers you; yet he seems to continue spitefully.
Well, adultery is one biblical-justification for divorce, that is pretty universally-accepted. He's still cheating! He keeps secret-communications with the woman he cheated on you with. That's no attempt on his part to show you respect, or to regain trust in your marriage.
In the case of a man like your husband; you have to take drastic-action. First, insist he goes to marriage-counseling with you. He'll either do it, but hate it; or flatout refuse to. If he flatout refuses, that's your cue to consider a divorce. He isn't giving up his exes. He also knows you won't divorce him. How much can you take?
He accuses you of stalking the woman he cheated with!!! Ironic isn't it??? He turns it around on you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2019): Normally i'm in the camp of it's ok to talk to ex's because i don't believe you have to cut someone out of your life just because you're no longer together. However, he cheated on you with this ex and absolutely shouldn't be in contact with her. The bottom line is that he cheated and now you no longer trust him. Has he given you any reason to trust him again? Or does he just expect it?
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