A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don’t know what to do anymore. My sister has, for many years, liked to stir up trouble between my parents and I by trying to play me off against them and then putting on this ‘saint’ act towards my parents which they fall for every time. The latest example has left me in tears and feeling isolated. I have tried time and again to get along with my sister for the sake of my parents mainly, but, fool that I am, I asked my sister yesterday if she wanted to go out shopping for the day. Yet again she refused me as she always does. This time she said ‘no, because I’m going shopping with a friend for clothes next week and what’s the point of going with you when I have nothing to buy?’. I don’t see why she couldn’t have bought some things while out with me and some when she was with this friend. I was taken aback by, what I consider, her selfish response - I thought the fact that we hadn’t seen each other for weeks (she moved out a while ago) might have meant she would have wanted to spend some time with me, if only for one day. I get fed up with her constant rejections of me, and yet she bends over backwards for her friends.Anyway, as my sister said she didn’t have any shopping to do, I decided to invite my Mum (I get on really well with my Mum when my sister isn’t around). Mum said that she would like to go shopping with me so I made all the arrangements to go out with her - and then she invited my sister. My sister then suddenly said she would like to go shopping (to do this usual thing of trying to drive a wedge between Mum and I). I reminded Mum that my sister had already told me that she had no shopping to do and that my invitation was for Mum only (mainly because I can’t stand the way they behave towards me when they are together).As per the norm, Mum refused to back me up on what my sister said about not needing to go shopping because my sister does absolutely nothing wrong in her eyes. My Mum then had a go at ME (after my sister had left the room which she always does when she has started yet another argument) saying to me ‘I don’t know why you two don’t get on together’. My Mum said that up to that point she had wanted to go shopping with me, but no longer wanted to.She then, and this is what really got to me, went and took my sister out shopping!!! I feel utterly appalled at the way they have both treated me (my sister for lieing to me saying that she had no shopping to do and then telling my Mum she did and my Mum for saying she would go shopping with me and then going back on her word and, unbelievably, then taking my sister out shopping!) and am not sure how to go from here. I am pretty sure they won’t apologise.I feel that I shouldn’t bother much with asking my sister anywhere anymore. After all, there is only so much rejection one person can take. I am even more disappointed with my Mum as I had confided in her earlier in the week how rejected I feel at times when friends and family constantly turn me down when I want to do something yet I am expected to bend over backwards for them. I cannot believe that she has gone and done the very thing that has been upsetting me lately.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (4 April 2010):
 Think about it this way if you weren't related to this girl would you want to have anything to do with her? Just because you are bonded by blood doesn't mean you have to be close or even like her. Try to take your mother and sister as they come and not be suprised by any behaviour they display (easier said than done I know but just fake it until you make it). In fact expect the worst and then you wont be disappointed. Also I would try to engineer it so that you only ever see your mum when your sister is not around since you both get on the best then.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): I agree with 1st poster, you need to distance yourself from them. Don't feed the monster. If you're not aound then your sister can't pull this crap. This doesn't have to be forever, just until they get the point. Sorry you have to go through this. good luck!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (3 April 2010):
I can see why you'd be upset. I have a cousin like that, not quite as bad, but she won't invite me to some things (not all the time, just sometimes) but then go out with MY friends and will do things for them that she doesn't do for me! Definitely pisses me off.
I also think you should just stop making an effort for a while. You've already told your mom how you feel, yet she did the same thing again. And your sister sounds too childish to even talk to her about how you feel. If you back off for a while and make it known that your feel that you've been treated unfairly, hopefully they'll start coming around and try to spend time with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): so what exactly are you asking for? Closure of some sort? Overall, it just sounds like you're frustrated and not just because of this single event, but rather the fact that this was the tipping point for you. If anything, don't resort to revenge, since this will only make you the "black sheep" and make them have an even worse-off view of you. I think the best advice I can give is if you were to leave them be for a while...a long while. While you do love you family, they need to at least recognize you for who you are and who your sister really is. Having a long break from them, will make them realize how valuable and precious of a family member you really are and not just someone they can blame and push aside all the time. Once they question your absence, just explain calmly that you don't feel as if you measure up to their standards and how you feel about your mother's treatment and constant comparison of you to your (not-to-innocent...cuz' let's face it, she's not perfect) sister. Explain that you are not the same person and that if they can't appreciate you for you and your efforts, then are they worth your constant lapses of you trying to always please and satisfy them?
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