A
male
age
36-40,
*mootnezz
writes:I am in state of confusion. My girlfriend of almost 3 years moved in with me about six months ago to start national service in the town in which i live. Soon as she moved in, she started insisting that i go meet her extended family as a way of showing my commitment to the relationship (it's the norm in my country). Her father supported the idea of her moving in with me prior to her doing so. Therefore i was a bit reluctant about meeting the rest of the family. Nonetheless, i did it because i knew it was an honorable thing to do. As time passed, the issue of marriage began arise as she was no longer too comfortable just living with me when we were not married. We eventually agreed to get married early this year.To my surprise, her father said it is not a good idea for us to get married now and that we should wait till she is done with the national service and got a job. This will take till the end of the year. My parents wondered why he would be comfortable with us staying together and not getting married. And to be honest, so did i and my gf.My father decided to go see her father to discuss the matter. Her father gave the same response.I also went to meet him upon his request and same response was given. He went on to say that it was what he thought we should do but if we insist we want to get married, we can go ahead. I have decided to hold on until he gives his full blessings but what surprises me is my gf's reluctance about talking to her father, when she was the one insisting on the marriage from the beginning. To top it up, i have noticed a constant communication between her and this guy at her office. Initially i ignored it because i trust her but it begun to get me worried. For one thing, they work together and so see each other everyday at work but they still call and whatsapp each other a lot after work. One day, on my way back home from work, i overheard her telling someone over the phone, how she did not like the way he ignored at work! I later checked her phone (and i know i shouldn't have, but how else was i to find out?)and realised it was the same guy. I later asked her about it and she told me she only liked the guy as a friend and that they do a lot of things in common at work. I thought it would have ended there but the communication between them continued to the point where i got uncomfortable to start checking her phone! Everyday, i check her call list and i see several calls between them. She also chats with him on whatsapp but always makes sure to clear the conversations. Why would she clear them if there is nothing to hide?Now, i know it is not too right to check her phone but how else can i find the basis for my worries? I am a busy person and i try to spend my free time to make her happy but how do i know this is enough? if my busy schedule is a problem, it is the same schedules that enable me pay the bills, pay the rent and put food on the table, so she can save her money to start a business. i make the sacrifice because i consider her as part of my future. i expect her to understand that. so if something is going on that is suspicious, i think i deserve to know. I have already spoken to her twice about this guy and don't want to bring it up again but my instinct keeps telling me something is going on.This is all turning things in my head. for example:1. could she have had a change of mind/heart after meeting people and this guy at work?2. and therefore told her father to give us that excuse?3. how do i know she is not only buying time so she can leave the relationship without any fault?i feel this urge to investigate her relationship with this guy but i am not sure if i should do that. i need help. what should i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): You need to understand that marriage will not stop you or your girlfriend from meeting and falling for other people. If you are serious about your partner, whether you are married or not, you will not take interest in someone else. You can have friends of the opposite sex, but you WILL KNOW where the borderline is.Her father may know his daughter better than you. Maybe that is why he suggested to give it another year. I mean, honestly, her father is asking for you to wait until the end of the year to marry versus the beginning of the year. It's not a long time. Besides you need time to plan the wedding. If you must, get engaged now, then set a wedding date for the end of the year.However, I suggest that you have a talk with your girlfriend and address the issue with her co-worker before you move forward with engagement or a wedding.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): You don't seem to make any decisions based on your own feelings and wisdom. Everything is to please everybody else. Your girlfriend, her father, or your parents.
But what about what you want?
Your girlfriend is obviously attracted to another guy. I think it might be time to address that issue directly. Don't you? Rather than boyishly sneaking around behind her back! Seriously?!!
You have to talk about it. It has to be resolved.
You're trying to catch her doing something. I would think the logical and mature thing to do, is to intervene between your girlfriend and her co-worker; and take preemptive action to prevent anything from happening! You caught wind of the fact things are getting too personal; when she feels concerned that he ignores her. Oh, really?!! If she has a man, why should that matter?
You might "suggest" to her that she minimize non-work related communications with the guy. You would feel that would be respectful of you, and your engagement to her.
She spends enough time with him at work. Honestly express you your opinion; that you believe the extra chatting and contact beyond that, is inappropriate and nothing more than flirting. Make your position on it unequivocally clear to her. You think it's more than just friendly. Let her prove it to be otherwise. Her actions contradict her words.
Let everyone know that you are a man and capable of making decisions and handling situations. They are all pushing and pulling you in every direction. You're a smart guy. Analyze the situation. Make some decisions. Form a plan, and put it into action.
I agree with her father that you should wait. I don't think your girlfriend is being honest with you. You need to know this woman truly loves you before you finalize your commitment with marriage. Don't marry just to pacify your parents and to take pressure off yourself. You should love the woman you marry.
I think she will marry you for convenience, and just for the sake of getting married. I believe her heart and her attention is going in another direction. I think that is what you have seen for yourself. Now is the time to do something about it.
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