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male
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anonymous
writes: I've been seeing a girl for 6 months now. she is very self concious about her weight. she also doesn't show affection and always tries to hide her emotions. By her own admission: She can't pay compliments to me or say nice things but can about other people. She thinks it but something stops her saying it. she hasn't had a proper boyfriend before me for 5 years so is used to her independance and always has things to do. she has told me lots about herself which is very private and personal which makes me feel priviledged. I really love her and long to help her become comfortable and relaxed. When we go away for a weekend somewhere she relaxes and becomes more tactile. I have treated her as well as i can and always tell her how attractive she is and how sexy i find her. When she puts herself down I try and lift her with a compliment which I honestly believe to be true. She tells me that nobody has ever said such nice things to her and so she doesn't know how to respond.She also tells me that nobody has ever treated her as well as me.Here's the question: How do I get her to really relax and open up to me? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (17 January 2006):
 This may sound obsurd; but just be yourself. She definately needs to learn that you are sincere about your thoughts and your compliments. The best way I tell my fiancee about what I think is to remember to tell her how I feel once a day. On day's I forget or am too busy, she asks stupid questions like " Do you love me"? "Am, I still pretty"? ( I really want to scream sometimes NO you because UGLY overnight). I don't; because she didn't I was just too busy to say it. Do I get the same compliments? NO But it's fine, She needs to hear those things and I need to know that my relationship is secure. I tell her because it's what I think, not because it's what she needs to hear. When I stop telling her then I become the one with the issue.
How to get her to relax? Hmmm.... Not really sure that you would want her to become that relaxed, she may stop trying. I explained to mine that in order for my ego to be fed, she needed to understand that as a MAN; I need to open doors, pay for dinner, make some decisions, help her dry off, tuck her in. Yes; she's fully independent and capable of all of those things. I just requested that she understand that it was an ego thing about men wanting to take care of a mate. She now stops and waits for the door to be opened and let's me dry off her back and take care of some finances. It works great when she understands it's a male problem not a dominance thing.
Opening up is another story all together. She already opened up and told you special things and her mind that's probably good enough for her. This may be as good as it get's for some women. I ask mine everyday "how was your day", "anything new or unusual happen today", "did anybody call for me"; these questions allow her to open up and explain what she needs me to know. It never let's me know what I really want to know, but it's very close. I would just say to you that you sound like a great guy, just keep going at what your doing and have fun.
Good luck
Ed
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